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I miss my Mom!

If you have that hole in your heart that you get when you lose the woman that you shared a body with....

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Never ending 4 Replies

Started by Betty Ellsworth. Last reply by Brenda Ann Jan 11.

Does it ever end? 5 Replies

Started by Betty Ellsworth. Last reply by Sun Oct 29, 2018.

I miss my Mom 4 Replies

Started by Sun. Last reply by Michael Thompson Oct 28, 2018.

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Comment by Avi on December 5, 2018 at 11:58pm

Hi All

The last two days have been very hard. Somehow guilt is again taking hold of me but trying to overcome by indulging in work. Whenever I feel somebody taking good care of their parents, I feel what wrong I did that my mom passed away. 

Wishing peace for everyone. 

Comment by Brett Bowman on November 29, 2018 at 12:43am

Luisa, the second year was harder than the first. Partly because the first year was all surreal. It was like my mom was away on a business trip. Also, when Christmas came, so many people supported me because they knew that my mom had died on Christmas Eve. This will be my third Christmas and people have stopped calling, maybe a couple of people will call, but most have moved on. If my memories of my mom have faded somewhat, I know they have faded for other people. People move on. I don't want to be selfish, but I wish they hadn't. I am nowhere near finished grieving.

I completely understand what you mean about your mom never meeting you boyfriend. I actually feel that way about my dog. She's getting old and I still remember the way my mom would baby talk her. She loved her. One day she will pass. And I can't imagine having a dog that my mom doesn't know. That may sound odd but it makes complete sense to me.

You are doing great! You are living your life. Jesus said that we cannot plow a straight row if we keep looking backwards. I still look back more than I look forwards. That's my problem. I don't want it to be yours or anyone else's. You can love and remember you mom with all of your heart and still look forwards.

I am proud of you, Luisa. You will be okay without your mom. You have work to do. You are a mom yourself. Looking into the holiday's is like looking into an abyss, but don't go in there alone. You have two willing hands to hold on to (your daughter and your boyfriend). Hold on tight, and keep moving forwards. 

Comment by Luisa Salter on November 28, 2018 at 11:24pm

Hi everyone. Just now I had a chance to read through recent posts. I want to tell everyone how grateful I am that this group is here. Over the past 15 months since my Mom passed I feel that the world has moved on from her death while it feels like yesterday to me. It is a relief to read these posts and be reminded that feeling the way I do is normal even after a year. Brett I remember reading your posts from the past, when you said that the second year after your Mom was gone was harder than the first, because for the first year you felt sort of numb or like you were in a state of shock. Looking into this second year without my Mom, especially the holidays, sometimes feels like looking into a dark and scary abyss.

I have to work hard to trust God and believe that I will be ok without her, and that His mercy and grace will carry me through now and for the rest of my life. 

I do think that these things I've done recently for the first time without my Mom, like moving to a new house, getting into a new serious relationship, now with someone whom my Mom will never meet...They have unearthed more grief. 

I would give almost anything for one more Christmas, one more phone call...

But I know that we all leave this earth in God's time. I also believe that God graces us and shows us mercy through people and relationships that enter our lives. We are here for eachother now, in this online support group. We are all still here and alive, sharing this experience. It brings me comfort. It really does.

Acceptance of our new reality, being at peace with the past and with ourselves, learning to be happy and grateful for the lives that we have...to focus on all of our blessings and not take them for granted...these are things that we have to choose; we have to fight for them. 

Comment by Theresa on November 28, 2018 at 7:38pm

Virginia we are not angry, we are just concerned, but, maybe you need professional help.   

I really don't know what else to say to make things better.

I have been moving for the past two days and I am exhausted, I'm drained literally, I just wanted to check in while I had a second.  

Comment by Brett Bowman on November 28, 2018 at 6:50pm

Virginia, the truth is that your post was very carefully worded, and you will be checking in every day to see if it had the desired effect. I just don't have the time or energy to play these games. 

Comment by Virginia G on November 28, 2018 at 1:37am

Well looks like I got everyone angry.  I thought we were supposed to tell all our thoughts here.  I know they do on the spouse group.  Especially since I know at least one of you had the same thoughts at one time.  

You can all calm down.  I won’t post on this group anymore.

Comment by Brett Bowman on November 27, 2018 at 11:50am

Lia, that was a wonderful post. Something I learned is that we may put too much stock in the prognosis that Hospice gives us. We sort of assign a time table. If the doctor says six weeks, we think six weeks, and it is shocking when/if our loved one dies sooner. My mom was not on Hospice very long. I thought we would have more time.

I think our moms would want us to be happy, and they would like for us to to laugh and remember them fondly, even on the day of their death. That is so hard to do though. I wasn't able to do that. Three years later I still am not able to do that, but I am trying. All we can do is try.

Comment by Avi on November 27, 2018 at 9:08am

Thanks for the wonderful post Lia. 

Comment by Lia Lynch on November 27, 2018 at 4:40am

From the morning of my mom's death, there was no chance -- no chance at all -- that I could think a part of me died when she did.

My mom died on my daughter's birthday. And the day before, which was the last time I saw my mom, was my birthday.

On my birthday, in her hospice room, my mom told me that she was going to die soon.  She looked right at me, straight in my eyes, and said it very clearly. I'd been asking the clinicians when I should take leave from work (I teach), when would it come, and just three days earlier they'd said she had weeks. So when my mom said that, still drinking liquids occasionally, still trying for ice cream, I figured... now is the time.  So I left her, went in to work, arranged for my leave to start the next day.  

And the next day, my daughter's birthday, my kid and I woke early, in my mother's house, where we'd all lived together for eight years,  and celebrated.  I sang the birthday song as soon as she woke, as my mother always did me (she woke me with it and those 4am calls in my 20s were deadly!). Let my kid open her gifts.  Got her ready for school. And got the call that it was time.  My mother died before we could get there. 

And my daughter -- bless every thing about her -- asked me, "Mom, I don't want to sound selfish, but... do we have to be sad on my birthday now?" And I answered, "No, sweetie... in fact, it wouldn't surprise me at all if your grandmother did this on purpose, so that every year on this day we have to celebrate, and eat cake, and sing."

And as a mom, that is what I want my daughter to do when I die.  Sing, and give gifts, and eat cake. What I could not bear her doing is dying with me, not even a small bit.  Miss me, sure. Think of me, yes. Die with me, never. 

My mom died within a month of her initial diagnosis. She turned 72 in hospice. She died too young, and she died too soon, and I miss her every day.  She was my best friend, she took us in when I divorced, helped me raise my daughter, and I am lost without her. It's only been 2.5 months. I don't know what I am doing at all.  But I do know that... as a mom, I want my child to live.  So I live. 

Comment by Brett Bowman on November 26, 2018 at 11:18pm

Luis, my mom died of COPD as well. That is a horrible thing to watch. You have made a lot of progress. Being loved by someone is the greatest blessing in the world. You have your daughter and now you have a good man. God Bless you.

My mom was my North Star as well. Just about everything you wrote hits home.

The holidays are so hard. My mom died on Christmas Eve. I found out she was going to die on Thanksgiving day. Her sister called me and told me no to think about that. I told her, "How can I not think about it? I watched my mom die by the light of a Christmas tree." I sat with my mom's body, listening to Christmas music, until the funeral home came for her. Because it was Christmas eve it took about two hours. I just sat there. Her little dogs were curled up next to her not knowing what had happened. I will never forget. There is no way to not think about it.

As for your dad... you are right. I don't think he can help it. I am sure that you feel an obligation as his daughter, but you also have to take care of yourself. There are people in life who will try to rob you of your joy. If you do continue to have a relationship with him, be patient, but do not give him the power to take away the progress that you have made.

 

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