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I miss my Mom!

If you have that hole in your heart that you get when you lose the woman that you shared a body with....

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Does it ever end? 5 Replies

Started by Betty Ellsworth. Last reply by Sun Oct 29.

I miss my Mom 4 Replies

Started by Sun. Last reply by Michael Thompson Oct 28.

I am lost without her! (MOM) 9 Replies

Started by DeeDee. Last reply by DeeDee Jul 26.

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Comment by Theresa on October 16, 2018 at 7:50am
Yes Avi That’s what we all have to do we have to go on with our lives it’s so much easier said than done I cry sometimes uncontrollably I have hope that one day every question or any uncertainty we have will be answered
Comment by Avi on October 16, 2018 at 7:43am

Guys it is completely 1 year when my mother's cancer was detected. I hope I can go back in time and change everything but I can only live with it. 

Comment by Theresa on October 16, 2018 at 5:47am

Same Brett, yesterday out of the blue driving home from work I burst into tears saying mom why didn't you wait for me to get there before you went in cardiac arrest, well now isn't that stupid on my part.  

I feel that I am a changed person, not the same as I was before.  I never question God, because I know in my heart he with beside me through thick and thin.

I always say mom please somehow let me know you are near me, nothing yet.

and Brett, my lab is 11 I am watching him age right in front of me getting arthritic, and so on, I pray please God help me, he is all I have, I pray to the Blessed Sacrament in the Chapel every Friday during my volunteer hour, please don't take my dog, not yet.

Comment by Brett Bowman on October 16, 2018 at 1:43am

I'll keep going though. I'll keep praying. I'll keep putting one foot in front of the other, but I do not seem to get anywhere.

I will always pray for a wink or a nod. Just something to let me know that the Lord is walking with me.

I'm broken. 

Comment by Brett Bowman on October 16, 2018 at 1:40am

Guys, my heart is just broken. So broken. It's not because of some kind of change. It's just three years of sadness that continues to pull me down, and makes me feel that there is very little hope. I am a very spiritual person. When lie was going good it was easy to give thanks to God. My years with mom as her caretaker was emotionally exhausting, t he fear was horrible, but I still had mom. When my mom died I was sure that good things were on the way, but it has just been three years of misery, I have a hole in my heart the size of Texas. To have a bad three years is one thing, but to have it after watching my mom die was horrible. I pray so much. What I'm praying for is not a miracle. It's just a feeling that God is with me through this. That he is walking beside me,  that he has a plan for my life, and that there is a light at the end of this tunnel. I believe that we should pray with our hearts and not our mouths. I certainly do that. I just feel like I am dropping my bucket down an empty well. My faith has not been shaken. I believe God is there, but I also believe that either he is going to make me experience this, or that he doesn't get involved, or at least, he doesn't get involved with me. I ask for forgiveness so much.

This past Sunday I slipped out the side door at church. I usually stay and help pick up, and I talk to people. I'm pulling away from people because it doesn't seem they can help, and I am sure that they are tired of hearing about it.

Worst of all, well, losing my mom was worst of all, but you guys didn't know me before my mom died. I was all entertainment all of the time. So many friends would tell me that I didn't have to make them laugh, that they would love me anyway. What a load of crap that was. As the jokes dried up, people started to disappear. Not at first. I  think people thought I would break out of my funk, but when that didn't happen, folks started disappearing.

I focus all of my love on one elderly, blind dog. Lord help me when she dies.

Comment by Avi on October 14, 2018 at 10:06am

Lia, your post made me cry because I also feel similar. 

I wish you all strength 

Comment by Brett Bowman on October 12, 2018 at 11:48am

Lia, a few lost minutes cannot compete with a lifetime of love that you shared with your mom.

Comment by Lia Lynch on October 12, 2018 at 8:36am

Hi there.  Brett, you were (are) totally right -- I was and think I still am in shock. There was so much to do, and with my kid to take care of, I wasn't processing. At all.

Still not. I didn't get to say goodbye.  She was in a hospice, alone, when she died. She told me the day before that she was going to die soon, and I went in to work to take off, and she died the next morning before I could get there to spend the day.  I'd spoken to her clinician just four days before her death to ask how long, and he'd said "weeks to low months" but he was wrong.  No one really knew -- she'd only been diagnosed less than four weeks prior, first diagnosis and the cancer was everywhere. So no one knew how it would go, just that treatment was not really an option, even had she wanted it.  Which she did not.

Now her ashes are here and I am just constantly saying I'm sorry to them. And my poor daughter, who always had her grandma here after school, comes home and is alone until I arrive. It's not long, but still... my mom helped me raise her for the past eight years. And I am trying to hold it together for my kid, but in doing so I am just pushing things away, it makes it worse when it pops back up.

Comment by M Adams on October 11, 2018 at 1:13pm

As Brett suggests, you sure can be griefstricken without feelings of guilt -- for me guilt doesn't seem relevant to my deep sadness about losing my mother.  It's more a combination of loneliness, shock, emptiness, disappointment (because she'd come through so much and was really improving, then suddenly collapsed), and a kind of futile anger at all the suffering she so patiently endured.  I find myself longing to look at photographs of her, but when I do I start crying and have to put them away.  I keep thinking 'I must tell Mom about this' and then remembering I can't.  

Comment by BLUEBELL on October 11, 2018 at 8:38am

Seems like we all have our regrets and sadness that we live with every day. But I have noticed for myself that though I still have them, they have softened over time.

Bluebell

On a different subject I want to celebrate this morning of being able to sit comfortably on my bum. Physical Therapy has changed his plan of exercise and it is working after only having 2 sessions!

 

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