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I miss my Mom!

If you have that hole in your heart that you get when you lose the woman that you shared a body with....

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Never ending 4 Replies

Started by Betty Ellsworth. Last reply by Brenda Ann Jan 11.

Does it ever end? 5 Replies

Started by Betty Ellsworth. Last reply by Sun Oct 29, 2018.

I miss my Mom 4 Replies

Started by Sun. Last reply by Michael Thompson Oct 28, 2018.

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Comment by Brett Bowman on October 16, 2018 at 1:43am

I'll keep going though. I'll keep praying. I'll keep putting one foot in front of the other, but I do not seem to get anywhere.

I will always pray for a wink or a nod. Just something to let me know that the Lord is walking with me.

I'm broken. 

Comment by Brett Bowman on October 16, 2018 at 1:40am

Guys, my heart is just broken. So broken. It's not because of some kind of change. It's just three years of sadness that continues to pull me down, and makes me feel that there is very little hope. I am a very spiritual person. When lie was going good it was easy to give thanks to God. My years with mom as her caretaker was emotionally exhausting, t he fear was horrible, but I still had mom. When my mom died I was sure that good things were on the way, but it has just been three years of misery, I have a hole in my heart the size of Texas. To have a bad three years is one thing, but to have it after watching my mom die was horrible. I pray so much. What I'm praying for is not a miracle. It's just a feeling that God is with me through this. That he is walking beside me,  that he has a plan for my life, and that there is a light at the end of this tunnel. I believe that we should pray with our hearts and not our mouths. I certainly do that. I just feel like I am dropping my bucket down an empty well. My faith has not been shaken. I believe God is there, but I also believe that either he is going to make me experience this, or that he doesn't get involved, or at least, he doesn't get involved with me. I ask for forgiveness so much.

This past Sunday I slipped out the side door at church. I usually stay and help pick up, and I talk to people. I'm pulling away from people because it doesn't seem they can help, and I am sure that they are tired of hearing about it.

Worst of all, well, losing my mom was worst of all, but you guys didn't know me before my mom died. I was all entertainment all of the time. So many friends would tell me that I didn't have to make them laugh, that they would love me anyway. What a load of crap that was. As the jokes dried up, people started to disappear. Not at first. I  think people thought I would break out of my funk, but when that didn't happen, folks started disappearing.

I focus all of my love on one elderly, blind dog. Lord help me when she dies.

Comment by Avi on October 14, 2018 at 10:06am

Lia, your post made me cry because I also feel similar. 

I wish you all strength 

Comment by Brett Bowman on October 12, 2018 at 11:48am

Lia, a few lost minutes cannot compete with a lifetime of love that you shared with your mom.

Comment by Lia Lynch on October 12, 2018 at 8:36am

Hi there.  Brett, you were (are) totally right -- I was and think I still am in shock. There was so much to do, and with my kid to take care of, I wasn't processing. At all.

Still not. I didn't get to say goodbye.  She was in a hospice, alone, when she died. She told me the day before that she was going to die soon, and I went in to work to take off, and she died the next morning before I could get there to spend the day.  I'd spoken to her clinician just four days before her death to ask how long, and he'd said "weeks to low months" but he was wrong.  No one really knew -- she'd only been diagnosed less than four weeks prior, first diagnosis and the cancer was everywhere. So no one knew how it would go, just that treatment was not really an option, even had she wanted it.  Which she did not.

Now her ashes are here and I am just constantly saying I'm sorry to them. And my poor daughter, who always had her grandma here after school, comes home and is alone until I arrive. It's not long, but still... my mom helped me raise her for the past eight years. And I am trying to hold it together for my kid, but in doing so I am just pushing things away, it makes it worse when it pops back up.

Comment by M Adams on October 11, 2018 at 1:13pm

As Brett suggests, you sure can be griefstricken without feelings of guilt -- for me guilt doesn't seem relevant to my deep sadness about losing my mother.  It's more a combination of loneliness, shock, emptiness, disappointment (because she'd come through so much and was really improving, then suddenly collapsed), and a kind of futile anger at all the suffering she so patiently endured.  I find myself longing to look at photographs of her, but when I do I start crying and have to put them away.  I keep thinking 'I must tell Mom about this' and then remembering I can't.  

Comment by BLUEBELL on October 11, 2018 at 8:38am

Seems like we all have our regrets and sadness that we live with every day. But I have noticed for myself that though I still have them, they have softened over time.

Bluebell

On a different subject I want to celebrate this morning of being able to sit comfortably on my bum. Physical Therapy has changed his plan of exercise and it is working after only having 2 sessions!

Comment by Theresa on October 11, 2018 at 5:55am

Brett, me too, the only guilt I have is if I did not stop at her house for three minutes, I would have been there, but I was not.

I say it everyday why did I do that...

Comment by Virginia G on October 11, 2018 at 12:32am

Avi, what is what’s app?  I don’t have a smart phone.

Comment by Virginia G on October 11, 2018 at 12:29am

The pain seems to get worse everyday.  I guess the numbness is starting to wear off.  I need God to listen to me.  I can’t live like this.

 

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Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Avi, I actually looked up the EquoVox. I couldn't find an English link for it. I'll keep looking. I'm just really curious how it works. And I want you to make your own decisions. I just want you to be happy."
57 minutes ago
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"M, I'm half Catholic, and Theresa is 100% Catholic. This is a huge part of Catholicism. Ouiji boards just scare the crap out of me. I listened to a lecture series from a Vatican exorcists. There was a question and answer period. Someone asked…"
1 hour ago
M Adams commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Brett, it gives me such a lift to hear about your new gig — sounds perfect! Lucky kids too, great when they can connect with an adult who also makes them laugh.   Your comment re the spirit world app that Avi came across brought back a…"
5 hours ago
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Avi, things like that scare the crap out of me. I mean, how do you know that you are actually communicating with your mom, and not something bad? I believe that you may open yourself to something that may attach itself to you. That's just…"
10 hours ago
Brenda Ann left a comment for Lisa
"Dear Lisa, I send you my heartfelt condolences as well as a welcome to our website. It is a safe place to come and talk or vent about your loss. Talking is very helpful in sorting out how to move forward. I would like to share a paragraph from what…"
15 hours ago
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16 hours ago
Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"No we should not, God is the only communicator Avi, you are right. We should not disturb the deceased, they are in peace, it is us who are not in peace. I still struggle everyday, I just have come to recognize that this is my new life.  "
18 hours ago
Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Monty, I m sure everyone on our forum had a very bad day. I just kept myself very busy all. Since I live in Florida and it is in the 70's I worked outside all day long. I feel Julian is with when I am outside. He knew I just loved the outdoors…"
19 hours ago
Avi commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Hi Friends,  Few days back I came to know an app EquoVox which can help you communicate with your loved ones who are deceased. It seems be fake to me but have seen some videos on you tube people claiming its real. Did anybody on this group…"
20 hours ago
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yesterday
Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Trina, It is so true, my Julian and I celebrated everyday of our life together like you an Joseph. We were Blessed."
yesterday
Trina Mamoon commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Linda, thank you for the post. The words ring very true. Today is Valentine’s Day, but fortunately for me, Joseph and I didn’t always celebrate on this day. We didn’t feel that we had to show our love and devotion on a specific day…"
yesterday
Linda Engberg left a comment for Lisa
"Welcome to Online Grief Support it is a great community."
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Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
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Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Thanks everyone. I was upset that we couldn't share our posts, now I am fine. Thanks"
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joe kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Gotta go will post soon. "
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joe kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"I think thats what she meant anyway."
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joe kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"she posted an answer in Blog.  We're ok as long as we don't check that box and sign into twitter.  Only those who do have their posts appear there."
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Monty commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"did  a quick search for  "No Idea Joe!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" and Twitter. I didn't find anything maybe that it has the ability to share via twitter. and may not be shared by default. maybe we should try and contact the…"
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morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"I just sent a message to the admin/owner of the site......I'lll let you know the response."
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