I miss my Mom!

If you have that hole in your heart that you get when you lose the woman that you shared a body with....

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I am lost without her! (MOM) 9 Replies

Started by DeeDee. Last reply by DeeDee Jul 26.

I miss my Mom too.

Started by Anthony Jul 25.

Not only do I miss her, feel like I lost my purpose. Why go on? 7 Replies

Started by Jennifer Nuss. Last reply by Michael Thompson May 29.

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Comment by Brett Bowman on June 15, 2018 at 9:24pm
Avi, I think that's great! I would fall over myself to do something that would make my mom happy. Did you buy a new car. There is just something about that new car smell. Years ago I bought a Miata off of the showroom floor. Later that night I kept getting out of bed to stare at it through the window.

Also, if you don't mind me asking, how did you get around before you bought a car?
Comment by Avi on June 15, 2018 at 8:55pm

Hi All

Good morning from India. 

My mother unfulfilled wish of having our own car is completed.

Bought a car yesterday, small one but my first car. She is not with me but she will be really happy. Also incidently I got the cherry color which is her fav color so I feel her blessings.

Will upload pic soon

Comment by Brett Bowman on June 14, 2018 at 2:38pm

For a lot of people this is where reality truly sets in. My mom and I knew what Hospice was. For us there was a transition. My mom's impending death went from "one day" to a very near reality. It can be difficult to wave the white flag. In an instant we went from calling 911 on a minutes notice to letting death take its natural course. Letting go can be traumatic. Giving up control is hard. I would have taken a bullet for my mom but I had to kind of step aside and let the inevitable happen. That doesn't mean that I stopped fighting. I wore that Bi-Pap machine out trying to keep Co2 off of her. I just understood that I was trying to hold back a tidal wave with an umbrella.

Mom had to let go, too. She didn't want morphine at first. Hospice was sort of like settling in to go to sleep. I know it was scary for her. Years of fighting were now coming to an end. She had to let me go as well. That's hard for a mom. There was no more that she could do for me. And all I could do for her was to try and keep her comfortable.

It's hard to say what the human brain experiences in a time like this. I imagine there were times when mom and I both were in fight or flight mode and we weren't even aware of it.

I'm glad that mom and I made that choice. I initialized Hospice Care, but mom had the final say so. I would have been happy if mom had decided to go on fighting, but I also realize that would not have guaranteed more time. If it had, it wouldn't have guaranteed much. Mom's quality of life was becoming almost non-existent. She deserved what peace could be given to her.

Comment by BLUEBELL on June 14, 2018 at 1:16pm

Our Hospice doctor does not come to the hospital. After the patient and family have been spoken to by the hospital MD about how Hospice would be an appropriate choice, a hospice nurse does an explanation of what hospice is and what we can provide. If they decide that is what they want, the consents are signed. After a few days, our Hospice Doctor comes to where ever the hospice patient is, such as their home or a Assisted Living facility. He speaks with the patient if they are alert, or talks to the family. He is direct, honest and informative, but also very considerate of how hard the current situation is for them. Then it is up to the Hospice RN to set how many visits per week is needed by a skilled nurse, how many visits per week for the CHHA for bathing, and what further medical equipment is needed. We also have a Medical Social Worker who comes once a month and a Chaplain more frequently, providing they want a Chaplain. We also assign a volunteer for social visits if it is appropriate and the patient/family wants that. We have a triage nurse on call after hours, and if she can not help over the phone, she sends the on call LVN out. Our orders for medications comes from the doctor, but it is up to us, the nurse, to make the assessment and call the Hospice doctor with our recommendations or just plain out ask the MD what can be done to help alleviate an uncomfortable symptom. The comfort medications are already with the patient, such as oral Morphine, an anti anxiety medication and a couple of others. We, the nurses decide through experience, what medication will help. No medication is ever given to the patient without them or their family being informed as to what it is and what it is for. If they refuse, then it is not given. Usually we keep the patient on the same medications they were on before they came on Hospice unless that is impossible because they can not swallow, or the patient or family wants comfort medications only.


Comment by Avi on June 14, 2018 at 10:32am

Brett you brought tears to me with below statement.

Doctors move on to next but there is no next for us.

Comment by Brett Bowman on June 14, 2018 at 10:20am

My mom had so many close calls. I was always afraid that her doctors would pull me aside and tell me something terrible. So many times my fear was unfounded. The doctor would say something like, "We are going to admit her and keep an eye on her but she should be able to go home in a couple of days." Hearing that was like winning the lottery. A doctor can also break your heart. As a defense mechanism I was always trying to think positively. I was always trying to convince myself that mom would live for a long time, but the outcome was always obvious. If you push a doctor enough he may break your heart. I never wanted to hear about "one day." The last few times my mom went to the hospital the doctors were more frank with me. They had no emotional attachment. They did not look at my moms predicament through rose colored glasses.

I particularly disliked my mom's Hospice doctor. And I have to say that I do not envy the job she had to do. Seeing that woman was like talking to death itself. All of that happened so quickly. Basically she just walked into my mom's hospital room, gave her a six week window, and told mom that she wanted to introduce morphine. I knew that mom was going to die but hearing it so bluntly was like being run over by a truck. My mom did not like her at all. My mom asked her what the treatment plan would be. The Hospice doctor looked at her stone faced and told her that there wasn't one. I can say pretty easily that I never want to see that woman again, but I also realize that she was just being honest and explaining the reality of the situation. I felt very guilty about making the decision to put mom on Hospice. And after meeting her, my mom looked at me like, "Is this the doctor you chose for me?" It was so hard. My mom did not want to keep going to the hospital. She was worn out. Her body had had enough. I was abiding by my mom's wishes but her wishes also forced both of us to deal with the reality of the situation.

Doctors do move on to the next. Unfortunately there is no next for us.

Comment by Theresa on June 14, 2018 at 5:41am

Virginia they just don't care they move on the next. 

I wanted answers, but there was no one to ask.

At the time they were performing CPR on my mom, the dr was standing at the foot of the bed with me asking me questions, did your mom have diabetes, NO, did your mom have HBP, YES, and other questions that I just can't remember, after he asked me do you want me to continue this, and I said is she breathing he said no, I said painfully stop please, I looked up in the corner of the room and said MOM! they left the tube in her mouth and I was like please take it out but for some reason it had to remain in there for a certain amount of time and finally I got a nurse and said take it out NOW!!!!  My mom looked so at peace her face was lit up like she saw just what she wanted to see, she looked absolutely beautiful, unbelievable, even my husband commented on it, in which he never says anything of that sort.  Crying my heart out writing this, I will never forget that moment.,,

Comment by Theresa on June 14, 2018 at 5:33am

Well I volunteer every Friday before work from 9am to 10am for "Adoration" at church, I sit in peace and pray with the Blessed Sacrament.

I do it for her and for Jesus he has helped me through this painful time in my life.

That's wonderful Avi, can't wait to see it.

Brett that was so kind of you to do.

Comment by Brett Bowman on June 14, 2018 at 12:02am

A couple of months ago I did a "Pay it forward" for a guy at the grocery store who had forgotten his wallet. He got choked up. That made me tear up. He asked me why I had done it. I told him it was in honor of my mom, that she used to do it all the time. He said, "Your mom planted a seed and look how it grew."

That's what we are. Our moms planted seeds. What we do now is up to us. What better way to honor our moms than to live a life that would make them proud.

Comment by Avi on June 13, 2018 at 11:45pm

Amazing words Brett. You mention that being happy is doing small things for your mom. 

I am buying a car tomorrow because my mother wanted me to buy. In India, car is still a luxury for many people and my mother never had it. So I am buying a car tomorrow just to fulfill her wish. I will post pics as well. 

As Brett mentioned, Virginia I can understand your pain because I was in similar situation. I also felt that life is over when my mom died but then I realized that if she can see me, she would love to see me living rather than dying. 


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