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I miss my Mom!

If you have that hole in your heart that you get when you lose the woman that you shared a body with....

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I am lost without her! (MOM) 9 Replies

Started by DeeDee. Last reply by DeeDee Jul 26.

I miss my Mom too.

Started by Anthony Jul 25.

Not only do I miss her, feel like I lost my purpose. Why go on? 7 Replies

Started by Jennifer Nuss. Last reply by Michael Thompson May 29.

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Comment by Avi on May 26, 2018 at 8:40am

Agree with you Virginia. Sometimes we actually dont know what we are doing.

Comment by Virginia G on May 26, 2018 at 2:34am

Avi,

Im sure you were giving your Mom the medicines that you thought were best at the time.  Did you ask the doctor if that one dose would have made a difference?  Sadly, it probably wouldn’t have.

I had no idea there were only a few days left.  I don’t know what I was thinking, maybe in shock, maybe still in shock.  I was avoiding the doctor that was telling me a procedure couldn’t be done.

Comment by Avi on May 26, 2018 at 2:03am

Thanks bluebell. Yes I joined the group so that I can discuss by grief and get some good advices.

Virginia, same thing happened with me as well. My mother oncologist was also not telling me complete details amd just use to say that only few days left. I guess drs ar skeptical of going out of going out of the box in case of cancer.

I still remember that on 02 may oncologist told me that not even one day is guaranteed but she was with me till 15 may. But now I can look back and feel remorse but cannot revert 

Comment by BLUEBELL on May 26, 2018 at 1:44am

Avi

I am very sorry for your loss. I understand the sadness and guilt you are going through right now; all of us do. This is a good place to come and talk and share your feelings. You may not get an answer back right away sometimes, but there has never been a time that I have been ignored or my feelings dismissed.

Bluebell

Comment by Virginia G on May 26, 2018 at 1:39am

Avi,

  welcome, people on here are very supportive.  I am going through the same guilt as far as what happened in the end.  In the hospital, I didn’t talk to the doctors enough, I don’t know what I was doing.  Now I feel like the doctors just gave up on her because her cancer was so bad.  I wonder what if I had pushed them to try something, even if it was risky, could it have helped?  I guess I didn’t realize how little time was left.  Had I known, I would’ve told them to try anything.  Now I am left feeling as though it’s all my fault.  I have recently talked to the ICU pulmonary doctor to try to understand what happened.  This just left me with more questions.  I found out he didn’t even consult with her oncologist or radiologist.  So I have a call in to the radiologist.  I had emailed her oncologist months ago but she never answered me.  Her and I didn’t exactly always get along.  I don’t think she always liked my many questions.  And I partly blame her for what led to what happened but that’s another story.  Anyway, this is driving me insane to think I could have done something.

Comment by BLUEBELL on May 26, 2018 at 1:38am

Virginia

It sounds like you are in a very dark place. Before it gets too bad, I beg of you to reach out for help. Call 911 if you have to. Trust that you will feel better than you do now and you have to be alive to find that out.

Bluebell

Comment by Virginia G on May 26, 2018 at 1:26am

  As always, Brett thank you for your caring posts.  I think you could be a writer or counselor.  Thanks everyone else for support also.  I can’t offer any help because I dont know what to do.  I was thinking tonight, why aren’t I spending more time thinking of the horrible suffering my Mom went through and the most undeserved thing that could possibly happen instead of my own sorrow?  This is what I did when she was sick also.  I was wrapped up in my own anxiety and depression instead of actually thinking how terrified and stressed she must have felt.  I know As Brett says our Moms worry about us more than themselves but I worried about her more than myself so how could I have done this?  I feel like I dont deserve comfort.  Brett, don’t pray for me, I’d rather you pray that my Mom is somehow ok and with her parents and our dog.  I always wonder what it’s like in Heaven.  Can they talk and kiss and hug each other as I am longing to do?  It kills to to think that she can’t do all the things she loves.  She loved life and people and made the best of her situation.  I can’t believe how brave she was and I wish I could have been even a little more like her.  Whenever I or a family member had a crisis, she always found a way to make us better.  I failed when she needed me most after she gave me life and cared for me my whole life.

  Brett, you said you considered ending your life before.  I did also, but got scared because people say you might not go to Heaven.  Now I’m wondering, maybe you still can?  I always told my Mom if the subject came up, if you go, I go.  Of course, she didn’t like that.  But I feel so truly it’s where I belong, it’s the least I can do to be by her side.

Comment by Avi on May 26, 2018 at 12:41am

Hi Guys

This is Avi and I am from India. I lost my mother on 15 may after her 7 months battle with last stage gall bladder cancer. 

The grief that I possess now is that although I was closely monitoring her treatment since the first day, I was not able to do enough to save her during the last few days. She had difficulty in swallowing due to which I used to give her only the medicines which were vital. On the last day I did not gave her paracetomol in morning and in afternoon she got high fever and them things became out of control and finally she died at 5 PM India time. As per dr she was already in bonus time and he was not hopeful.

I still regret and think that if I have given her that medicine in morning she would have been saved. 

I belong to hindu religion and it is believed that these are obstacles which God plans for you as the life of your loved one have come to an end.

I have a lovely family to take care and would like to get over this guilt with the help of you guys.

Comment by Brett Bowman on May 25, 2018 at 11:27pm

Theresa, I feel like a hypocrite when I try to think of something to say to you that would bring you peace. Because I know that I would feel the same way you do if that had happened to me. There was something. Before my mom came home on Hospice, she believed that she was near death. She asked me to say a prayer that she would die right then. I couldn't do it. She asked me to say the "Now I lay me down to sleep" prayer with her. After we were finished, she said, "It didn't work. I can't die with you in the room." She asked me to wait out in the hallway. I did. I sat at her door and cried like a baby, just knowing that my mom was going to die, and I was not by her side. It went against every instinct that I had. Well, thank goodness she didn't die that night, and when it actually did happen, she did not ask me to leave the room.

I know it hurts. And I think you are right, maybe your mom did not want to die with you in the room. I don't know that for a fact though. I don't have any kids but if I had died before my mom, I am sure that I would have wanted her by my side.

No one comes through this unscathed. Tonight at work a friend was talking about her father who is dying. Someone had the nerve to tell her that another of our friends (Lila) had it even worse because her mom (who is also dying) didn't recognize her anymore. I said, "Hold on. This isn't a contest." Lord knows, it all hurts. I was with my mom when she died but there were mornings when she was on Hospice that I slept late. I didn't feel like getting out of bed, even knowing that my mom was awake and waiting for me to take her Bi-Pap mask off of her and maybe she was ready for breakfast or something to drink. I was just a few feet away from her but she was too polite to tell me to get up. She wanted me to get some rest. That's a mother's love, but I also feel very guilty. One of the products of so much love is the guilt we feel now. They loved us so incredibly much, and because of that we think of the ways that we let them down, and wish that we could have been better sons and daughters. Geez... if I could go back in time I would mow the lawn without being told, clean up my bedroom and my mess in the kitchen without being told. Anything to please my mom. But I can't.

What happened in your mom's final hours was not selfish at all. You just didn't know. How can you blame yourself for not knowing when your mom was going to die? You can blame yourself because you loved her so much. When we are grieving we do not even need to be at fault to feel guilt. We just do. I wish it wan't that way. We are all sad enough as it is, yet we continually pile on.

What's lost in all of this is that our mom's loved us so much that they would not blame us for anything, and they would probably chide us for blaming ourselves for anything in relation to their death. Maybe we should listen to them, even though we can't actually hear them. Maybe we should just give ourselves a break. Whether we can or can't is up to us. I hope that we will.

Comment by Theresa on May 25, 2018 at 5:41am

Brett Crystal and Bluebell are so right, I feel comfort and I smile when reading your posts.  

I know I was trying to get to her, but I say maybe it was not meant for me to be there when her heart stopped, maybe she wanted that way, but its just so hard knowing her last spoken words to me were "ok you know what hospital right and ok let me hang up I'm getting a pain in my shoulder" and I said ok mom ok, I hung up and left, but I stopped at her house on the way, why I don't know why, but it did and that five minutes was the reason I was not right next to her when she went in CA, instead there was a nurse there who was kind enough to tell me "I was talking to your mom and her eyes rolled back not gasping, nothing, it was very peaceful"  I hold on to that sentence from that nurse.  I hear it clear as day in my mind.  Sadly I was in shock and was trying to find her Rosary and prayer book to say the Lord is my shepard......I got numb, couldn't even cry was just staring, like someone took my mind out of my body, I stayed that way for a year...

When they were doing CPR I looked up into the corner knowing she was there looking down and I said MOM, I felt her there I know her soul was still in the room, it was there for a while, and then when they came to take her I felt it leave the room.

Unfortunately my brother was hours away and he did not get to see her until at the funeral palor, and her body did not look the same just like she was sleeping, when she passed she had a glow that even my husband commented on her face did not have a wrinkle it was amazing, now thinking back Jesus was in that room I know it her face was beautiful just like she saw just what she believed she would it truly was amazing.

 

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Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
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Losing Someone to Cancer

This is for anyone who has lost somone to cancer. I lost my adopted Mom to breast cancer some years ago. She was everything I could have asked for. She loved me because I was just me. She also loved my family and children as if they were her own.See More
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Layla Richards replied to bluebird's discussion My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
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Ofir Rifo replied to bluebird's discussion My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
"ANA BECOAH BY ovadia chamama. Miracle prayer even for those who do not believe in anything. It will act as a password and will open the universe who will answer your petition. Please bluebird just try the same way a tried and it worked. Remember you…"
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BLUEBELL commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Lia I am so sorry for your loss. Bluebell"
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"Bluebird please go to you tube in listen to a song called Ana Becoh by Ovadiada Chamama. This song will act as a password to the universe. You do not need to believe in any religion but It worked for me and I am an agnostic. I lost my husband 21…"
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Ofir Rifo replied to bluebird's discussion My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
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I love my Dad.

For everyone that has lost their Dad.
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