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I miss my Mom!

If you have that hole in your heart that you get when you lose the woman that you shared a body with....

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Not only do I miss her, feel like I lost my purpose. Why go on? 7 Replies

Started by Jennifer Nuss. Last reply by Michael Thompson May 29.

I am lost without her! (MOM) 7 Replies

Started by DeeDee. Last reply by Brett Bowman May 7.

I TERRIBLY MISS MOMMY! 2 Replies

Started by Edger. Last reply by Jennifer Nuss Feb 23.

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Comment by BLUEBELL on May 26, 2018 at 1:44am

Avi

I am very sorry for your loss. I understand the sadness and guilt you are going through right now; all of us do. This is a good place to come and talk and share your feelings. You may not get an answer back right away sometimes, but there has never been a time that I have been ignored or my feelings dismissed.

Bluebell

Comment by Virginia G on May 26, 2018 at 1:39am

Avi,

  welcome, people on here are very supportive.  I am going through the same guilt as far as what happened in the end.  In the hospital, I didn’t talk to the doctors enough, I don’t know what I was doing.  Now I feel like the doctors just gave up on her because her cancer was so bad.  I wonder what if I had pushed them to try something, even if it was risky, could it have helped?  I guess I didn’t realize how little time was left.  Had I known, I would’ve told them to try anything.  Now I am left feeling as though it’s all my fault.  I have recently talked to the ICU pulmonary doctor to try to understand what happened.  This just left me with more questions.  I found out he didn’t even consult with her oncologist or radiologist.  So I have a call in to the radiologist.  I had emailed her oncologist months ago but she never answered me.  Her and I didn’t exactly always get along.  I don’t think she always liked my many questions.  And I partly blame her for what led to what happened but that’s another story.  Anyway, this is driving me insane to think I could have done something.

Comment by BLUEBELL on May 26, 2018 at 1:38am

Virginia

It sounds like you are in a very dark place. Before it gets too bad, I beg of you to reach out for help. Call 911 if you have to. Trust that you will feel better than you do now and you have to be alive to find that out.

Bluebell

Comment by Virginia G on May 26, 2018 at 1:26am

  As always, Brett thank you for your caring posts.  I think you could be a writer or counselor.  Thanks everyone else for support also.  I can’t offer any help because I dont know what to do.  I was thinking tonight, why aren’t I spending more time thinking of the horrible suffering my Mom went through and the most undeserved thing that could possibly happen instead of my own sorrow?  This is what I did when she was sick also.  I was wrapped up in my own anxiety and depression instead of actually thinking how terrified and stressed she must have felt.  I know As Brett says our Moms worry about us more than themselves but I worried about her more than myself so how could I have done this?  I feel like I dont deserve comfort.  Brett, don’t pray for me, I’d rather you pray that my Mom is somehow ok and with her parents and our dog.  I always wonder what it’s like in Heaven.  Can they talk and kiss and hug each other as I am longing to do?  It kills to to think that she can’t do all the things she loves.  She loved life and people and made the best of her situation.  I can’t believe how brave she was and I wish I could have been even a little more like her.  Whenever I or a family member had a crisis, she always found a way to make us better.  I failed when she needed me most after she gave me life and cared for me my whole life.

  Brett, you said you considered ending your life before.  I did also, but got scared because people say you might not go to Heaven.  Now I’m wondering, maybe you still can?  I always told my Mom if the subject came up, if you go, I go.  Of course, she didn’t like that.  But I feel so truly it’s where I belong, it’s the least I can do to be by her side.

Comment by Avi on May 26, 2018 at 12:41am

Hi Guys

This is Avi and I am from India. I lost my mother on 15 may after her 7 months battle with last stage gall bladder cancer. 

The grief that I possess now is that although I was closely monitoring her treatment since the first day, I was not able to do enough to save her during the last few days. She had difficulty in swallowing due to which I used to give her only the medicines which were vital. On the last day I did not gave her paracetomol in morning and in afternoon she got high fever and them things became out of control and finally she died at 5 PM India time. As per dr she was already in bonus time and he was not hopeful.

I still regret and think that if I have given her that medicine in morning she would have been saved. 

I belong to hindu religion and it is believed that these are obstacles which God plans for you as the life of your loved one have come to an end.

I have a lovely family to take care and would like to get over this guilt with the help of you guys.

Comment by Brett Bowman on May 25, 2018 at 11:27pm

Theresa, I feel like a hypocrite when I try to think of something to say to you that would bring you peace. Because I know that I would feel the same way you do if that had happened to me. There was something. Before my mom came home on Hospice, she believed that she was near death. She asked me to say a prayer that she would die right then. I couldn't do it. She asked me to say the "Now I lay me down to sleep" prayer with her. After we were finished, she said, "It didn't work. I can't die with you in the room." She asked me to wait out in the hallway. I did. I sat at her door and cried like a baby, just knowing that my mom was going to die, and I was not by her side. It went against every instinct that I had. Well, thank goodness she didn't die that night, and when it actually did happen, she did not ask me to leave the room.

I know it hurts. And I think you are right, maybe your mom did not want to die with you in the room. I don't know that for a fact though. I don't have any kids but if I had died before my mom, I am sure that I would have wanted her by my side.

No one comes through this unscathed. Tonight at work a friend was talking about her father who is dying. Someone had the nerve to tell her that another of our friends (Lila) had it even worse because her mom (who is also dying) didn't recognize her anymore. I said, "Hold on. This isn't a contest." Lord knows, it all hurts. I was with my mom when she died but there were mornings when she was on Hospice that I slept late. I didn't feel like getting out of bed, even knowing that my mom was awake and waiting for me to take her Bi-Pap mask off of her and maybe she was ready for breakfast or something to drink. I was just a few feet away from her but she was too polite to tell me to get up. She wanted me to get some rest. That's a mother's love, but I also feel very guilty. One of the products of so much love is the guilt we feel now. They loved us so incredibly much, and because of that we think of the ways that we let them down, and wish that we could have been better sons and daughters. Geez... if I could go back in time I would mow the lawn without being told, clean up my bedroom and my mess in the kitchen without being told. Anything to please my mom. But I can't.

What happened in your mom's final hours was not selfish at all. You just didn't know. How can you blame yourself for not knowing when your mom was going to die? You can blame yourself because you loved her so much. When we are grieving we do not even need to be at fault to feel guilt. We just do. I wish it wan't that way. We are all sad enough as it is, yet we continually pile on.

What's lost in all of this is that our mom's loved us so much that they would not blame us for anything, and they would probably chide us for blaming ourselves for anything in relation to their death. Maybe we should listen to them, even though we can't actually hear them. Maybe we should just give ourselves a break. Whether we can or can't is up to us. I hope that we will.

Comment by Theresa on May 25, 2018 at 5:41am

Brett Crystal and Bluebell are so right, I feel comfort and I smile when reading your posts.  

I know I was trying to get to her, but I say maybe it was not meant for me to be there when her heart stopped, maybe she wanted that way, but its just so hard knowing her last spoken words to me were "ok you know what hospital right and ok let me hang up I'm getting a pain in my shoulder" and I said ok mom ok, I hung up and left, but I stopped at her house on the way, why I don't know why, but it did and that five minutes was the reason I was not right next to her when she went in CA, instead there was a nurse there who was kind enough to tell me "I was talking to your mom and her eyes rolled back not gasping, nothing, it was very peaceful"  I hold on to that sentence from that nurse.  I hear it clear as day in my mind.  Sadly I was in shock and was trying to find her Rosary and prayer book to say the Lord is my shepard......I got numb, couldn't even cry was just staring, like someone took my mind out of my body, I stayed that way for a year...

When they were doing CPR I looked up into the corner knowing she was there looking down and I said MOM, I felt her there I know her soul was still in the room, it was there for a while, and then when they came to take her I felt it leave the room.

Unfortunately my brother was hours away and he did not get to see her until at the funeral palor, and her body did not look the same just like she was sleeping, when she passed she had a glow that even my husband commented on her face did not have a wrinkle it was amazing, now thinking back Jesus was in that room I know it her face was beautiful just like she saw just what she believed she would it truly was amazing.

Comment by Crystal K on May 25, 2018 at 4:49am

Brett you always bring light to our darkest thoughts. I am so thankful to know you. I wrill try to tell myself that from now on, that my mom would want me to live. 

Comment by Brett Bowman on May 24, 2018 at 10:59pm

Virginia, I know that you don't want to wait until your old to be with your mom. Neither do I. I told you earlier that after my mom died I considered ending my own life, but I could just see my mom if I had tried, screaming, "NO!!" We talk about ways that we hurt our mothers. There is nothing in this world that I could have done that would have hurt her more than that. Or if my mom knew before she died that I would be hurt so badly by her death that I would take my own life, she would have died a horrible death. If we want to do something for our moms, let's live for them.

We can't see our moms but let's not assume that they are not with us, that they are not still aware of us, praying for us, trying to comfort us when we cry. A couple of weeks ago I was talking to a priest. I told him how much I missed my mom. He said, "Then talk to her! Tell her that you love her. Tell her that you miss her. Why would you think that she can't hear you?"

That gave me a lot of comfort. And who's to say that he's wrong? I look up at the sky every night and I say, "I love you mama."

Comment by Brett Bowman on May 24, 2018 at 10:42pm

I wish I hadn't posted so quickly this morning. I had some type'o's. I meant to say that my mom held out her hand before she died. She was holding it upwards. It was an awesome thing to see, though at the time it didn't mean so much. My mom was dying and that's what I was focused on.

Also, I meant to say that reading the bible alone was not enough. God reaches us through other people. I needed to spend more time in church. And I needed to reach out instead of retreating inward.

I know this may sound odd, but I wish that I had known about this site before my mom died. I think all of us would like to help someone who will be losing their mom soon. I would tell them to say everything that they want to say. I would tell them to search their brain for anything that may come back to haunt them. Apologize. I wish that I had apologized to my mom for so many things. But I also realize that apology would be more for me than it would have been for my mom. My mom was not holding a grudge. She was just loving me. I wasn't the only one who had to say goodbye. She had to say goodbye to her son, too.

Crystal, all of those things that make you feel so guilty... I get it. We all have real reasons to feel guilt. When I was 15 I once told my mom to go to Hell. And I said it on Christmas Eve, the same night that she would die years later. When that memory came back to me (after mom died) it almost killed me. All of those nights towards the end when I had the perfect opportunity to apologize, I didn't. I didn't remember. But I also know that if I had apologized my mom would have rolled her eyes and said, "Brett, stop thinking about things like that. I know you didn't mean it. Let it go."

We are bound and determined to punish ourselves. Virginia, remember what Bluebell said. It's okay to find some peace. It's okay to say, "My mom knows how much I loved her." She does. You know she does. I can promise you that your mom was more worried about you than she was angry about anything you said, did, or didn't do. That's what mom's do. They love their children unconditionally. Sometimes they even know us better than we know ourselves. All of our mom's knew how much we loved/love them. There is nothing in this world better than a mom. No one will ever love us quite the way our moms did. We were literally a part of them. They carried us in their stomachs for nine months. We were/are theirs. It would take a whole heck of a lot more than a temper tantrum to make that love go away. It would take more than the frustration they saw in our eyes. My mom probably did feel like she was a burden to me, but she also knew there was nowhere else that I would rather be than by her side.

Theresa, I know you missed those last minutes and I know that will always hurt, but you were on your way. You were trying to get to her. I called 911 so many times. After a while I learned that it would take quite a while before they would let me see my mom at the hospital. I would walk the dogs first, put an overnight bag together for my mom, and then show up when I thought she was ready for me. I know now that could have been a big mistake. I could have gotten there too late. I just never expected my mom to die before I got there. We make decisions at the time. We are not perfect. We make mistakes, but Lord knows your mom knows how much you love her. All of our moms know.

 

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