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I miss my Mom!

If you have that hole in your heart that you get when you lose the woman that you shared a body with....

Members: 716
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I am lost without her! (MOM) 7 Replies

Started by DeeDee. Last reply by Brett Bowman May 7.

Not only do I miss her, feel like I lost my purpose. Why go on? 5 Replies

Started by Jennifer Nuss. Last reply by Betty Ellsworth Mar 30.

I TERRIBLY MISS MOMMY! 2 Replies

Started by Edger. Last reply by Jennifer Nuss Feb 23.

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Comment by Virginia G on Wednesday

Brett,

can I just ask, were you ever given medicine for your ptsd?  Do or did you ever feel like you didn’t fully realize what happened?  And other times it would be clearer?  I feel like I’m not grieving appropriately.  Honestly, I thought I would have dropped dead instantly when this happened and don’t know what I’m still doing here.  I don’t belong here without her.

Comment by Virginia G on Wednesday

Brett, 

 Thanks for your comment, it made me cry.  I hope she knows how much I love her.  The thing is I had OCD, fear of germs, since about age 18 and it was controlled with medicine.  When my Mom got cancer, the ocd took over because I didn’t want her to get sick, having a possible lower immune system from chemo.  I then got severe depression and anxiety also and meds were not helping.  Over the four years, as her health got worse, so did I and my ability to take care of her.  I took my anger and frustration out on my Dad.  At times, I wouldnt even talk to my Mom.  Once she even asked if I was mad at her.  We always watched tv at night, she recorded all our favorite shows.  If I was in a mood, I wouldn’t even watch tv.  I spent a lot of time sleeping to escape.  I was right next to her if she needed me, but that’s not good enough.  I realize now that I showed no emotions other than my negative depression and anxiety.  I never told her I loved her, how brave she is, that she was going to beat this, or how lucky I was to have her.  I should have told her everyday!  My therapist says I had trauma and my ocd and depression but this is no excuse.  I knew what a dangerous state her health was in and that I should overcome my little problems.  I should have done everything to give her the best chance possible at getting better.  Instead I caused her extra stress everyday as she worried about my issues.

  You said your Mom didn’t like being taken care of.  My Mom is the same way, she was used to taking care of us our whole lives.  Sometimes she’d even cry and say she ruined our lives.  She made our lives worth living and now they’re not.

 Sorry for the long post but as you can see I have a lot to feel guilty about.  I hate myself for how I treated her.  How could I act like that towards the person I love more than life itself?  How can I even live with myself?

Comment by Virginia G on Wednesday

Bluebell,

it has been three long months.  It feels like years.  Can I ask how old you are?  I’m 47, only child, not married, no kids.  I always lived with my parents as I wanted to be close to my Mom.

How are your symptoms from discontinuation?

Comment by Brett Bowman on Wednesday

I was thinking about this today. If I could have my mom back for just one month I would dote on her till the cows came home. The truth is my mom wouldn't have liked that. She didn't like to be doted on. At the end she was very appreciative for my help because there were so many things that she could not do for herself. The last month of her life was spent in bed. I felt very badly for her. For someone who was so independent to rely on someone else for even a drink of water. She would ask me for a cookie. It was just like when I was little and I would ask her. It was hard for my mom to let someone take care of her. For someone who loved her children so unconditionally, she wasn't crazy about being hugged on all the time. I think in the end she let me hold her hand just because she didn't have the energy to pull hers away.

I guess what I am trying to say is that we sort of think back and manufacture a better scenario for our mom's death. But I try to remember that, at the time, I tried to respond the way I thought my mom would want. Hindsight is 20/20. There are things that I wish I had said, but that's more for me than for my mom. My mom knew how much I loved her. All of our mom's knew.

Comment by BLUEBELL on Tuesday

Thank you for your post Brett. It not only will help Virginia, it is helping me too.

Bluebell

Comment by Brett Bowman on Tuesday

Virginia, our stories are very similar. I was my mom's caretaker as well. I was diagnosed with PTSD after she died. When we have PTSD we can turn just about everything into a worst case scenario. It is so easy to look back and question decisions that we made. I wish that I would have appreciated my mom more, not just on Mother's Day, but every day. Deep down I know the truth is that I always appreciated her. Guilt is a part of grief, and for some reason we are bound and determined to punish ourselves, like we don't feel bad enough already. Your therapist is right. You feel the way you do now because you loved your mom so incredibly much. If we had felt any indifference for our moms we would probably feel somewhat indifferent now. You cannot manufacture love. You either love someone or you don't. You obviously love your mom with all of your heart. And I am sure that your mom is very aware of that. Even now. Maybe now more than ever.

Comment by BLUEBELL on Tuesday

Hi Virginia and welcome. May I ask when your dear Mom passed away?

Bluebell

Comment by Virginia G on Tuesday

And speaking of therapists, I have ptsd, and sometimes I feel like I don’t fully realize what happened.  I sort of get numb at times and feel guilty about it.  I asked my therapist if it means I don’t care about my Mom.  She has known me for a long time and said, “I think you love your Mom more than anyone ever has”.  I was thinking that’s the nicest thing anyone ever said to me.

Comment by Virginia G on Tuesday

Hi, just joined the group.  Wanted to comment on Brett’s point about people getting tired of hearing about grief or not understanding it.  I feel like I want to talk about my Mom constantly, whether it’s good times or bad.  It’s all I think about.  I have been obsessed with our experience in the hospital and why I didn’t question the doctors more and everything I did wrong.  In fact, tomorrow I am talking to the ICU doctor to try to get some answers.  I was by her side for four years of sickness, that she so bravely fought, and feel like at the end, I ruined everything.

And I tried not to know when Mother’s Day was, but that didn’t work.  One of my favorite days before.  No one should have to be without their Mom on Mother’s Day.  I should’ve treated her like everyday was her day.

Comment by BLUEBELL on May 18, 2018 at 8:42am

On a positive note Theresa, you are being proactive by working extra hours in hopes that it will help you get through this very hard time in your life.

My prayers are with all of you daily. It does not always take the form of getting down on my knees and formally talking to God, but I like to think God hears me anyway.

Bluebell

 

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Virginia G commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Brett, Bluebell,   thanks for the love and for caring.  I am still afraid of not knowing what happens to people that end their life.  I wouldnt want to ruin my only chance to be with her again.  Then again, wouldn’t a…"
1 hour ago
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Virginia, I thought about it but it was never a real possibility for me. As I said earlier, there is nothing in this world that would hurt my mom more than ending my own life. I will never do it. I try to be careful. I'm such a religious…"
17 hours ago
Avi commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Agree with you Virginia. Sometimes we actually dont know what we are doing."
19 hours ago
Mike H. posted a blog post

What Can Help Me if I'm Depressed?

The best help comes from “God, Who comforts and encourages and refreshes and cheers the depressed.”—2 Corinthians 7:6, The Amplified Bible.What God gives to help the depressedStrength. God “refreshes and cheers” you, not by removing all your problems, but by answering your prayers when you pray for the strength to cope. (…See More
21 hours ago
Virginia G commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Avi, Im sure you were giving your Mom the medicines that you thought were best at the time.  Did you ask the doctor if that one dose would have made a difference?  Sadly, it probably wouldn’t have. I had no idea there were only a few…"
yesterday
Avi commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Thanks bluebell. Yes I joined the group so that I can discuss by grief and get some good advices. Virginia, same thing happened with me as well. My mother oncologist was also not telling me complete details amd just use to say that only few days…"
yesterday
BLUEBELL commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Avi I am very sorry for your loss. I understand the sadness and guilt you are going through right now; all of us do. This is a good place to come and talk and share your feelings. You may not get an answer back right away sometimes, but there has…"
yesterday
Virginia G commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Avi,   welcome, people on here are very supportive.  I am going through the same guilt as far as what happened in the end.  In the hospital, I didn’t talk to the doctors enough, I don’t know what I was doing.  Now I…"
yesterday
BLUEBELL commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Virginia It sounds like you are in a very dark place. Before it gets too bad, I beg of you to reach out for help. Call 911 if you have to. Trust that you will feel better than you do now and you have to be alive to find that out. Bluebell"
yesterday
Virginia G commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"  As always, Brett thank you for your caring posts.  I think you could be a writer or counselor.  Thanks everyone else for support also.  I can’t offer any help because I dont know what to do.  I was thinking tonight,…"
yesterday
Avi commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Hi Guys This is Avi and I am from India. I lost my mother on 15 may after her 7 months battle with last stage gall bladder cancer.  The grief that I possess now is that although I was closely monitoring her treatment since the first day, I was…"
yesterday
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Theresa, I feel like a hypocrite when I try to think of something to say to you that would bring you peace. Because I know that I would feel the same way you do if that had happened to me. There was something. Before my mom came home on Hospice, she…"
yesterday
Avi joined Karen's group
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I miss my Mom!

If you have that hole in your heart that you get when you lose the woman that you shared a body with....
yesterday
Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Brett Crystal and Bluebell are so right, I feel comfort and I smile when reading your posts.   I know I was trying to get to her, but I say maybe it was not meant for me to be there when her heart stopped, maybe she wanted that way, but…"
yesterday
Crystal K commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Brett you always bring light to our darkest thoughts. I am so thankful to know you. I wrill try to tell myself that from now on, that my mom would want me to live. "
yesterday
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Virginia, I know that you don't want to wait until your old to be with your mom. Neither do I. I told you earlier that after my mom died I considered ending my own life, but I could just see my mom if I had tried, screaming, "NO!!" We…"
Friday
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"I wish I hadn't posted so quickly this morning. I had some type'o's. I meant to say that my mom held out her hand before she died. She was holding it upwards. It was an awesome thing to see, though at the time it didn't mean so…"
Friday
Virginia G commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Crystal, I read some of your posts, we have a lot in common.  I read you were also close to your Grandma and lost her and then your Mom and aren’t close to your Dad.  Same here.  My Mom was an only child too so my Granny, Mom,…"
Friday
Crystal K commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Virginia, reading your posts was like going through all my feelings of guilt the first few weeks after my mom died.  All the times I was horrible to her, the times I got frustrated when she wouldn't eat right or when I complained about…"
Thursday
BLUEBELL commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Brett, I love reading your posts even though they are for Virginia. They help me to0 Virginia, My thoughts and prayers are with you. I pray that you find some peaceful moments. It is okay to find some peace. It does not take away from how much you…"
Thursday

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