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I miss my Mom!

If you have that hole in your heart that you get when you lose the woman that you shared a body with....

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Grief or self pity

Started by Leeann Ranney Oct 28.

Its hard accepting my mother's death 8 Replies

Started by Crystal K. Last reply by Crystal K Oct 23.

A very special tribute to a mothers love 5 Replies

Started by Pol. Last reply by Luisa Salter Sep 19.

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Comment by Theresa on November 13, 2017 at 5:30pm

Bluebell, thank  you for your kind words

Sorry I have been working a lot and am so tire at night I just want to go to bed.

Hope everyone is doing as good as can be expected with the first Holiday Thanksgiving coming.

Comment by Lisa Green on November 13, 2017 at 10:47am

Brett,

You couldn't be more right. My Mom kept me grounded all of my life in more ways then I ever imagined. Now that she's gone, I struggle to stay grounded but somehow I am. My Dad developed dementia from extreme grief after mom passed and so now I am the one who oversee's all of his financial things, his care and his primary support system. Life sure changes quickly. February 2018 will be two years since I lost my Mom. LOVE is truly the best way to describe the connection we all have on this site. 

Comment by Brett Bowman on November 13, 2017 at 10:25am

Lisa, we all have one thing in common. Love. We all know what it is like to love someone with all of our hearts and then to lose them. 

God Bless You.

Comment by Lisa Green on November 13, 2017 at 10:18am

Brett,

So many things you talked about in your most recent post helped me to put some things in their proper place and realize that my feelings are not unique in that you too are feeling some of the same things I am. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts.

Comment by Brett Bowman on November 13, 2017 at 10:13am

Sherri, you will always be your mom's advocate. It is for you to make sure that her wishes are carried out. This is a hard thing to say, but she can no longer speak for herself. My fear is that if you do not follow her wishes that it may open up a giant can of guilt for you. You are going through enough as it is.

I can sure understand your situation though. It's a tough one. I don't know your step dad. People grieve in their own way. It is possible that he may not want your mom's remains in that house. It is also possible that he may agree to it for your sake. That in itself is difficult. Our mom's are so precious to us, I would hate to let go of her remains to someone who may not wish to have them. It could even be that he does want to have her remains. Regardless, you need to broach the subject. You will not find peace until you obey your mom's wishes.

Also, I can only imagine how hard it is to go into that house. Suddenly it feels like the house is his instead of your moms. You sense his presence more than you sense hers. I know that is hard. But the thing to remember is that your mom loved you more than she ever loved a house. One day I will have to sell my mom's house. I hate to think of some family living here. People who never even knew or cared about my mom. One day it will be their house and not my moms. I dread that day, but nothing can ever take away what happened here, the love between my mom and I, or the times we had together, even her final journey home. Those things took place. I was there. That is what is most important.

God Bless You. 

Comment by Brett Bowman on November 13, 2017 at 9:58am

Luisa, I am so sorry. That is so hard. The day that I removed my moms things absolutely tore me apart. There were so many little things that I had never even considered while she was alive. I would find a t-shirt and I would remember how often she wore it. And then I would long for those days. I remember looking at her make-up, and body lotions, and hair supplies and remember all the many times that I had seen her get ready to go shopping or to the doctor's office or anywhere. The reality that she would never need those things again, and the reality that she would never be going anywhere again was too much. I could replay in my mind how often I had seen her use those things, and then I just wished that I could have those days back. Even just one day.

My mom didn't have a metal box. She had told me where her will was located. I avoided that drawer like the plague when she was alive. I would always try to change the subject when she mentioned it. She would say, "well, you need to know." I would say, "Mom, hopefully I won't have to worry about it for a long time to come." Well, that day finally came. It was such a hard thing to read. I saw all the places where my mom had signed, and I imagined that day. I could see her sitting in an attorney's office. I wondered what she did after she left. I wondered where I was on that day. I was somewhere oblivious to the reality that was to come. My mom came home that day. For me it was probably just another day. When I saw her signature I wanted that day back.

Finding my mom's hairbrush was so hard. There was still hair in between the bristles. I was looking at a part of my mom.

There are people who would say that what you did is all a part of the process and that it needed to be done. Maybe so, but the pain of it is too great.

This is what gave me some comfort. All the things in my mom's house, her clothes, her makeup, that hairbrush, those were all just things to my mom. There was only one thing in my house that my mom truly loved and that was me. You are your moms most cherished possession. You can't be thrown away or donated. You go on. And through you a great big part of your mom goes on as well. If you could talk to your mom today, she would not be too concerned with that metal box. She wouldn't be too concerned about her art supplies. She would just be concerned about you. She would tell you that she loves you again. Take comfort in that.

You also touched on something that we all worry about. We are afraid that as time passes that we will forget some things about our moms. That her voice may not be as clear in our heads. What's even worse is that memories become years away instead of a few weeks old. As horrible as the day was that I had lost my mom, I had still seen her and talked with her on that day. Her memory could not have been more fresh, but I can promise you that I have not forgotten my mom. It is all very fresh for me still. Will it be in 20 years? Maybe not, but I will love my mom as much as I do today. That will never die. She cannot be forgotten. She will be with me every day for the rest of my life. 

Comment by BLUEBELL on November 13, 2017 at 9:35am

Sherri,

Try to be brave, and be honest and open with your step Dad about your wishes. I know it will be hard because it does not sound like you have that close of a relationship with him. But it is the only way you can find out how he feels about your Mom's resting place.

Bluebell

Comment by Sherri on November 13, 2017 at 7:56am

 Hello Luisa

I Understand how tough it is to go through things I am still not there it is all I can do to just walk in the house so going through things are just to much still. I know there is happy memories in there I just can't find the strength to see her and know she gone it sends me into that tall spin all over again. I am a child of divorce at the age of 16 when I was 20's my mom remarried and my step dad is great he lives in the house and he cleaned everything right away I think it was his way of dealing with everything and that is okay with me a bit some times it feels like he wiped her away but that's my pain I'm sure, he gave me my mom clothes because a friend said she would make me memory quit from her stuff so he packed them up and gave them to me they are still in the box I can't even open it without breaking down so I get it. I can't even image looking at things Luisa and Theresa. 

I have a question for everyone for some help on this. My mom was cremated  and wishes to be put in her house with my step dad and her dog that was also cremated that she kept it was like her baby. My step dad seems to have moved on right now I am still trying to wrap my head around this as it has only been 9 month and they were married for 22 years but I know everyone grieves in their own way but that not the question I want to say to him if you have moved on I want my mom since he mind is else. Then me and my brother  agree to put her in final resting place we just don't agree right now but I know in time we will as its just hard for both us I know that. I want to visit with her and nobody else seems to have the same feelings and I feel funny going in the house one because he has moved on and I don't feel her in the house anymore since he has changed it all. Am I selfish in this thought her wishes were to be with her dog and I would bring both I'm just not sure how to tell him since he's not my dad. My real dad left me years ago and doesn't want to be part of my life so my mom is all I had. Could use some outside perspective as I know my emotions get the best of me he just told me he was taking his new friend away for Christmas so he won't be there. 

Comment by BLUEBELL on November 13, 2017 at 7:52am

Theresa

It is early morning and I am not fully awake, so this will be brief. What a beautiful Memorial to your Mom. Thank you for sharing the picture.

Bluebell

Comment by Theresa on November 13, 2017 at 6:10am

Luisa, believe me you will not forget anything about her.

It one shy month of two years for me and I remember her everything about her.

The first year was a blur for me I felt like I was walking around in a fog.

Every time I went to my moms she used to tell me in the closet in my room is a metal box it has all the papers in in you will need and a notebook with who to call for her insurance etc.

I used to say on come on mom please and she would say I'm just telling you.

Sure enough she had the metal box with hanging file folders labeled and the notebook with phone numbers of companies I had to call.

I still have the box just like it was and I also have a box I bough at Marshalls with her clothes she wore to the hospital, her jacket she always wore and her little boots, other things that I have also put in there that were hers.

I am going to try to download a picture of the place she went everyday for coffee, she sat in the same seat and would only use the same cup, it was a family owned business, she was friendly with the girls who took over after their mom passed, a whole group used to meet there everyday.  They were wonderful to my mom, the picture shows it.

This was the seat she sat in when she went there and they wouldn't let anyone sit there for a few days in honor of my mom, it brought me to tears.

 

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Bailey Smith commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Thinking of my American friends on this site celebrating Thanksgiving. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Hugs"
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BLUEBELL commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
" Thank you for the big hugs and prayers Luisa. Stay safe on your journey. Thank you Theresa for reminding me that God is always with us. I will be praying for all of us as we get through this one day. Bluebell"
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Luisa Salter commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Bluebell big hugs and prayers sent your way! Big Hugs and prayers to all. I have been really irritable and emotional all week. Dealing with a lot of stress at work right now and somewhat dreading Thanksgiving. So we’re here, and Teresa’s…"
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Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"So today is Thanksgiving, we will all get through this day and tomorrow will be back to normal, the next hurdle is Christmas. Its a tough month for me it will be 18 years on 12/14 for my dad and 2 years on 12/19 for my mom and my grandmom on…"
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"Bluebell you are not alone God is right beside you always."
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Crystal K commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Let us all get through the next day and next few weeks... Been replaying videos of my mom all day.. miss her so much. First xmas without her, cant even bear to think about it."
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Sam Hayward commented on Jarvis's blog post After Death Communication
"I had a visual experience after my husband died. I was in bed at the time and could not get to sleep so I just lay on my back and stared up at the ceiling. Suddenly the room filled with a brilliant white light tinged around the edges with mauve. In…"
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BLUEBELL commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Again, thank you both for your kind words. I am feeling better already. I do not need much and I am grateful to you both for helping. Bluebell"
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BLUEBELL commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"And I of you. It is good not to feel so alone. Bluebell"
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"Thinking of you Bluebell."
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BLUEBELL commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Thank you Sherri. My best to you always Bluebell"
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Sherri commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Bluebell your in my thoughts I'm sending you a great big hug"
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BLUEBELL commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
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BLUEBELL commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Bailey, I cannot speak for Sherri but my Mom passed away 9 months ago and I go through the same thing Bluebell"
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