lost my mother on 24 nov 2017  , now 3 weeks have been passed  . My mother was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer  , It was a great shock for me  , She never ever smoked and she didn't have any symptoms  . I was very closed to my mother and my father has been passed away 4 years ago  When she was diagnosed with cancer  , I thought that some miracle would happen  , I started adding anti cancer dietary elements in her diet  , giving her drugs with an ambition of fighting with her disease  . But her condition had started deteriorating  , one day we have to call the ambulance and taken her to the hospital  . She was admitted to the special care unit  , They put piped oxygen mask on her mouth  , She couldn't able to talk and eat that was the most painful and horrible experience for her as well for me  , doctors were saying that drug has been failed and disease has won  , because her oxygen level was not maintaining without piped  . But I didn't believe them after 10 torturous days she came out from piped mask  , She  was still on oxygen through nasal prongs  , but she was able to talk and eat  , shifted to private ward  , but she was a different person  , not like my mother  , so scared and angry with everyone  , She kept on insisting  , She wanted to go back  , slept in her own room with her daughter (Me  . After one week  , We took her back to home  .

I was still thinking that I could hold her and didn't let her go but I was wrong . I am still stuck on that day  , when she started staring in me  , avoiding eye contact  . I started screaming 'don't look there  , only look at me  , listen to me  . She looked at me  just for a moment then again started looking on her front side  . We called the ambulance  , took her to the hospital then doctor told us to meet her  , She is taking her last breath  . Different friends and relatives are giving different advises  , expecting that I should get back to my normal life  , how could I get back to my normal life  , It could never be normal again  . I am dead inside  I am trying to keep myself busy  , I get exhausted  , because my mind is preoccupied by her thoughts and her pain  . Now I start to pretending that I am copping my grief just to please others but the reality is that I am completely shattered  , missing my mother terribly   .

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Ambreen, It hasn't even been a month for you and I can promise you that you are still in shock. It may not feel like it. First, I just want to tell you that I am so sorry for your loss. This Christmas eve will make two years for me. It all could have happened last week. It's a shame that anyone would expect you to move on this early, but you have to be your own advocate. Feel what you feel. People will give advice. Even me. I will give you advice, but everyone's journey is different. No two people grieve the same way. Your relationship with your mom was unique to you and her. No one knows exactly how you feel. I do know one thing. You love your mama. I love mine. I don't say loved, because that love didn't die. It can't. Take care of yourself as best you can. Please feel free to come her and vent. You have found a group of people who have lost their moms and are having a very hard time dealing with it. I know this much, there is no ideal way to lose your mom. It hurts, regardless of the circumstances, it hurts badly. You are not alone. I will pray for you. And I won't forget about you after I pray. I'm pulling for you. If you have any questions, please ask us. God Bless You, my friend. There are no magic words that will make you feel better. Just know that you are not alone.

Ambreen, Brett is right you are in shock, I was in a fog/haze for one year.

Today marks two years for my mom, my love for her will never change, but I now understand I can't change lifes events, I have to learn to live again, somehow.

God bless.

Thank you Brett and Theresa for your emotional support.Brett my circumstances are somehow similar to you.I preferred to work as a freelancer just for my mother,because I want to stay with her,when she fell ill,I stopped taking projects because I wanted to look after my mother properly,because she was my whole world...she loved me,understood me and my problems,she always took stand for me..on her last days she requested to my brother , take care of my daughter, never hurt her.. now my world is empty... I am all alone. I am surrounded by a deep silence.. I try to work.. when get tired.. I just lie down in bed, cover me with a blanket, spend several hours like that, everybody thinks I am doing work. I spend every night by waking up on hourly basis and watching the clock, waiting for the morning,no body is understanding me or may be I am taking them wrong..I am feeling that I would never be able to come out of this trauma.

I imagine that you are not taking them wrong. There are degrees of separation. My own brothers and sister do not understand what I am going through because they were not as close to my mom as I was.

Try to do what you can. Keeping busy helps. It can give you some sense of purpose. Taking care of my mom was my purpose. Now that's gone. I have not found a new purpose but I continue to look for one. You need to rest now. You have experienced a trauma, but anything you can do, even going for a walk can help. You can come out of this. It may take a long time. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Take baby steps. We took care of our moms. Now we have to at least try to take care of ourselves.

Theresa, I will be thinking about you today. Thinking and praying. 

Brett Thank you so much the days I missed over and I did get through it 


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