"You cannot prevent the birds of sorrow from flying over your head, but you can prevent them from building nests in your hair". 
~ Old Chinese Proverb

I have one more member of the group now so its better to make discussions.

This is how I feel right now. Fetus? Egg? it's against nature to stay like this... Broken wings, broken heart, broken hopes, broken life... 

For 3 months I was tempted to lessen this tragedy in my life by numbing my mind with alcohol, sleeping or escape from it by reading or watching TV incessantly. 

At the same time, I started thinking that it is essential for a healthy bereavement that I NOT avoid extreme emotions and anxiety in the first few months following a loss. I must experience the whole thing fully in order to successfully process grief and move on. I let myself return back to March about 2 weeks ago and go through my horrible pain, and cry and don't sleep, and scream late at night. Now I feel empty, I can cry and I feel pain, but it is not covering the whole world with a black blanket. My victories are very small  and short but they are my victories.

NO NESTING IN MY HAIR!

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Today was the day when they nested in my hair.

I failed today.

At the same time I did many things - only decided not to go anywhere as I cried and my eyes hurt.

My condition is not healthy, it is exhausting. I am getting very tired and upset. It is hard to move anywhere.

My plan for tomorrow:

1. Start my diet to be healthy and look like myself. It will take 3-4 months but I will be there.

2. Go out to visit banks

3. Buy food for my diet.

4. Hug my dogs.

5. Send at least 5 resumes in the morning.

6. Call cemetery - this is the hardest one...

7. Keep listening to meditation to calm down.

Thought of you today for some reason -- that bird nest image has stayed with me -- hope you're doing better.

Thank you, M Adams.

Unfortunately, I am still the same broken woman in that cold lonely nest. No moving anywhere. Stuck! Pieces of broken life scattered around. Nothing whole... 

What about you? How are you?

So sorry to hear that you are still feeling broken.  Stuck and broken are both apt adjectives for me as well, I think, but bereavement is a process and there are changes that I'm perceiving, though they're not necessarily all positive.  (For example, I cry less and less easily, which is a relief, although it may just be that I am more successfully repressed now.)

I had to start working back to December and I had to start driving across the city. I can tell - it is hard. Seeing all those places that are not "our" places any more. I cannot come home and tell him - lets got to eat our Mexican food - and he knows exactly where I want to go. All our old "our places" vanished and seeing those places only hurts me.

I cry when I go out. Actually I don't feel like going out at all. I feel safe when I am locked in my house. I go out when I drive to work and buy some food. Im funny - I am trying to buy everything possible online just to avoid regular shopping in "our-not-our-anymore-places". So stupid.

May be I just need another year to accept the loss and to adjust to this "my only new life" that I hate.

Nobody said it would be not hard but it IS very hard.

Thanks for the image and the proverb -- they help.

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