Don't grieve alone; 14,000 members and growing
So, I feel completely unjustified being so sad/depressed about this situation, but here goes: I have never known such a feeling of despair in all my life. I’m in a catatonic state. I haven’t even felt this bad when close relatives have passed away, which again, makes me feel like this is completely unjustified. About a month and half ago, two of my closest friends (a couple that have been together 6 years) just announced they are pregnant. Originally I was just friends with the guy and knew his girlfriend only by extension. Once we all started hanging out multiple times a week, I became really good friends with her. When they would fight, I would tend to be on her side. When he didn’t want to do what she wanted to do, or watch what she wanted to watch, I’d usually take her to do whatever, or watch whatever, etc, etc. After a long period of playing the surrogate boyfriend (as I began to view it), I developed an unhealthy infatuation with her: dreaming one day, he’d mess up, or she’d wise up and they’d split up, and I’d be the natural candidate to fill the void. What a fool I was, to let myself get so attached! When I realized I was having feelings for her, I immediately tried everything I could to get over it. I didn’t talk to either of them for 6 weeks, and started dating randomly out of desperation. 4 women and lots of empty sex later, and I still had undeniable feelings for her. Finally, I just accepted that I must love her on some level and I’d just have to hold it and convinced myself to bide my time. So when the inevitable pregnancy occurred, I was and am currently devastated. I absorbed the fact for about a week and then I spilled my guts to the both of them. Nothing like professing your not-so-secret love for a woman pregnant with another man’s baby to make you feel bad about yourself. I had an emotional meltdown in front of them and let it all out. Understandably, we haven’t talked much since my confession. I haven’t had a single night’s sleep since they told me the news. I wake up at least 4-5 a night with a horrible feeling of dread, panic, anxiety, heartache (name a bad feeling, and I’ve been waking up to it.) The first week, I stopped eating for 4 days straight. I’m finally eating again, but still not well, or even on a regular schedule. I started smoking cigarettes after having quit for the past 11 months. I feel like a zombie, a shell of human, just going through the day-to-day motions of life. This is the worst feeling I’ve ever imagined. After a month and a half, the whole situation still kicks me in the guts 50 times a day. I’m on the verge of tears at work, and constantly just shaking my head thinking about the situation. (It doesn’t help that I work in a baby garment factory with wall-to-wall cute babies every time I stand up.) People tell me to forget about it and move on with my life, but I can’t seem to shake it. I don’t know what I’m going to do to get over this. I’ve sought counseling, which is what brought me to the term disenfranchised grief. I know this seems simple, self-made and trivial to some folks, but it’s real and it hurts like hell.