Hello! I am new here...I really need some words of encouragement! This is the worst thing that has ever happened to me! A year this past February, I lost my first love, high school sweetheart and love of my life...

i am 51 yrs old (he was 52) and we got reconnected in mid 2015. We were each other’s first loves more than 30 yrs ago. He found me on FB and sent me a friend request, which I prompty accepted. I hadn’t seen him in more than 10 yrs as we live in the same city. I knew he was divorced from his first wife and had 2 kids but that was about it. We began chatting on a daily basis, catching up on each other’s lives. He told me that I was the love of his life and in all these years, he thought about me constantly. He had remarried four years earlier and I am married as well with 3 daughters. One thing led to another and it quickly escalated into a full blown affair. The old feelings reignited and it seemed that time had not passed. I was in heaven and so was he.....until his wife found out....then the nightmare began.

A vicious cycle of disappearing and reappearing started, as his wife was on to him like a hawk. She checked his phone continuously and even had it tracked among other horrific things like blocking me from all social media, calling my husband and even telling people so my in laws would know all about our affair. All this took a tremendous toll on me, him and our relationship. He would tell me he loved me and would leave her (even had me look for apartments) and then just bail on me only to come back a few days later telling me she knew it all and wouldn’t let him even use the phone!!! Even though this was happening, I do believe he really loved me as I felt it in his words, his touch and his embraces.....He just didn’t have the tools, or guts, to do what needed to be done....

The last time I saw him was Feb 2, 2017. We went to our usual spot. We kissed, we hugged, we laid in bed together blissfully as he told me he needed more time to settle his business with her so we could finally be together forever. As we were walking towards the door to say goodbye, he said he would call me so we could meet the following day. (I never called him as I didn’t want to cause him any more trouble.) He told me he loved me, we talked on the phone on our way to our respective homes.  I never heard from him again.

On February 22, a friend of mine called me and told me he passed away that morning due to cardiac arrest....I fell to the floor sobbing desperately as I knew what was coming (or not coming) next. I couldn’t go to the funeral, the mass, I couldn’t talk to any family members, I got no condolences, no sympathy for my pain. I was officially invisible. Plus, now I had to wonder what happened, why didn’t he contact me prior to that day. To make matters even more painful, I wrote his wife twice, once to offer my condolences that very same day, and another one a few months later apologizing for all this mess and I never received an answer....I was ignored once again!

It’s been a year already and I still cry every day in hiding. I can’t talk to anyone as no one understands the devastation this has caused me. My soul has been destroyed and my heart has been shattered. He is constantly on my mind and I feel him talking to me, as if trying to comfort me. I guess I’ll never really know what his real feelings were....I just try to believe they were true for my own sanity. This has been the most painful episode of my life. My questions will be left unanswered forever....How do I continue living with this pain?

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Hi Veronica,

I am so sorry for your pain. I am also experiencing a huge loss right now, not because my affair partner died, but because his wife found out, and she has insisted we have no further contact of any kind, even though we were friends for ten years before the affair and even though he and I published a co-authored book chapter that, ironically, just came out this month. We also both have been pivotal in each other's careers and emotional lives, but none of that seems to matter to anyone else because we had sex. He also told his wife that it was a one-time thing that happened and that I pressured him, which I was then stuck confirming (long complicated details), even though the reality is that the affair lasted about a year. I feel really and sincerely awful for the pain we caused while also feeling angry at society for refusing to see this relationship as anything more than unidimensional, and for seeing it as de-facto threatening to his family, even though what I would have liked was open polyamory, not for him to leave his wife (I am also married and do not want to leave my husband). I am also angry at him for sort of throwing me under the bus, although part of me also understands, or at least has compassion. I could use a friend who identifies with the grief, too, right now, if you would like to get in touch. My email is magdalenerysak@gmail.com. Hope to hear from you. ~Maggie

Wow Veronica, you could be me and telling my story. How are you doing now? As for your question, I have no answer but I can tell you I understand your pain. I am in a world of pain after a year and 4 months of my man's passing. He was my soul mate and the first guy I ever had a romantic physical relationship with 46 years ago. Then we got back together again in 2007 and were together until 2015. We were both married. He broke up with me because it was just too hard for him being so sick to carry on a relationship with me after his wife found out. He had been terminal since 2013 and finally succumbed in March of 2017. I didn't stay in contact with him after he broke up with me because he asked me not to so I didn't. Hardest thing I have ever done. So I had to keep checking the obituaries to see if he died. Those two years after he broke up with me and before he died were the darkest years of my life. I woke up every morning wishing I were dead. They are all a blur to me now. I don't know how I coped. I felt betrayed by him and I was so angry at him for choosing to stay with her as he died instead of me. We had so few days left and I felt he squandered them instead of at least staying in touch with me. I felt like everything he told me was a lie and that he really didn't love me if he could just write me off. He broke my heart and hurt me beyond anything I thought I could bear. Then he died and it was like losing him all over again. I am still devastated. I have no outlet for my grief. Even though I feel like he threw us away I still love him with all my heart. He came to me after he died and the first thing he said was, "I'm free! I'm not married anymore!" He apologized to me and told me he still loved me and that he thought he was doing what was best for both of us but realized he was wrong. He said he made it to heaven and was thankful that I talked to him of my faith because it made a difference. He told me that our love will never die and that he will be there to greet me when it is my turn. He told me that all I had to do is think of him and he would be right here with me and so we talk all the time and even as I am writing this I can feel his presence in the room with me. Now, maybe I am imagining all of this and I am crazy with grief and out of my mind but it does give me comfort. Because I saw on his fb page before he died that he did become a believer I know that even though we could not spend the rest of our lives on earth together that we will be spending eternity together. Even with that happy thought I still grieve the loss of him and being able to see him and hug and kiss him. It will be different in heaven but at least we will be together again in some capacity. I am still with my husband of 43 years as he wanted to stay married to me. We are doing better since B died but it still does not compare to the relationship I had with the love of my life. My husband and I are friends and companions so I guess that is a good thing. What B and I had was so much more and I truly felt "one flesh" with him as I have never with my husband. My husband knows all about our affair but doesn't want me to talk about it at all so all those memories are stuffed inside of me without an outlet. Thank you for speaking out because it helped me to be able to share some of my pain. I understand.

Hi Krista! Thank you for sharing your story. It has been almost 17 months after his passing and I still cry every day. I have to wait until everyone leaves the house so I can hide in my room and cry. It’s all I can do, as no one understands my pain except women who have gone through this tragedy. The hardest part is the lack of closure, the unanswered questions, the non existent support and especially, not being able to be with him prior to his death. (I don’t even know how he died) I was treated like crap by both of them but I do believe he had feelings for me. The wife had him on a short leash and he did not have the emotional capacity to do what had to be done. God only knows what other issues were simmering in their marriage. He was clearly unhappy or he wouldn’t have pursued me. I don’t know what goes through these men’s heads but I am sure they must love their affair partner. It’s just that they’re weak, lazy and controlled by the wives. I am certain most of them regret dismissing us at some point. Unfortunately for them, and us, their time ran out....then we mourn them once again....

I hope I can stop thinking about him and continue to live whatever time I have left. All I know is I will never be the same. I will never love another man like him again....

May you heal and live peacefully! I will have you in my thoughts and prayers. 

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