Don't grieve alone; 13,500 members and growing
I knew my Best Friend since high school...we were good friends..And stayed in touch over the years - We may have gone 3-4 years before we spoke - But we knew each others situations and we stayed Best Friends - Giving each other advice - I just wanted to make sure he was home to his wife and child - As he served 8 tours in Afghanistan, Iraq and undisclosed locations - We both are parents..
We reconnected face to face 2 years ago, both in bad marriages and unhappy...I was about half way through my divorce...I lived in a different state...but we started seeing each other and talked every day...he was going thru a difficult, expensive divorce...he would come spend weekends with me...he moved out a year later because he was waiting for his youngest to graduated college - She was/is a very nasty person - I don't like saying bad things about her - As I know there is two sides to every Story - His 20 yr old son lives with me until he gets his life together - His son wants nothing to do with his mother - We both promised each other that we would look out for each others children and parents (should anything happen to one of us) - She had him arrested 3 times for reasons that people would never believe -
He lived in VA and the laws that are much different than MD - He served 24 yrs in the Army and was very decorated - On the day of his divorce she had him arrested for trespassing as she put a restraining order on him - But he never would have went there - He would have never done anything to jeopardize his final divorce - Unfortunately - His divorce date was moved to 8 months later - We had so many plans - But I wouldn't ever marry again - We were planning on spending the rest of our lives together - We knew things about each other that no one else knew - We spoke everyday since we had connected in person with each other - I knew something was wrong when myself and his attorney when he didn;t call either of us - It was kinda a joke - But really wasn't that he had to check in with one of use and let us know what he was doing - Which he didn't mind doing - As he knew it was to protect him from his wife - I heard from his last on a Wed night like always and had an odd feeling in the middle of the night but just figured I was not sleeping well - The next day I never heard from him - Since I knew his son was meeting with him the next day that morning I called to see if someone could check on him - I was told I needed to call the county and ask for a welfare check - The police and the welfare check persons along with his son all at the same time - His son went to check on him and there was no response - I was called and I told his son to have them open the door to see what state his dad was in - In my heart I had already known that he had passed away - We don't know the cause of the death as they are waiting on toxicology reports that are have taken over 16 weeks - Everyone knew that he was my Best Friend - Even my daughter - Now I'm grieving alone. - His friends and his family who knew us reached out when it first happened as I was the one that called them to let them know - Now everyone thinks that I should move on - I can't he was my past - my present and my future - I have all kinds of feelings which I know are normal but I want it to go away - He was my Best Friend - Not my husband - - me a couple of times in the last few, weeks...I cry every day for I don't know what - I have lost my faith - Which I know is supposed to help me - I can't go to his Army services as I don't think I could keep myself together and his wife call me his adulteress = Right now I just can't do it but I am SO sad and I feel so lonely....His mother did have a memorial service which I thought was going to help me move on - But it didn't -
I just want to stop the pain - I have lost many relatives and was raised that death is a part of the end of life and we can't avoid it - This has hit me to the core -
Not sure why I didn't get a notice about your post. I always try to respond promptly. As it is, I got a notification for a post I can't find, so....
In a little less than 4 months it will 2 yrs since I had my soul shredded. I'm pretty sure I cried every day the first four months. Then only a few days a week for the next 2-3 months. Then only when I thought about some special moment, or when I tried to talk about him with others. Cut yourself some slack, grief is what it is and will take as long as it takes.
It sounds cliche, but when a door closes, often another one opens. I was in NO WAY looking to get into another relationship EVER AGAIN! And yet, here I am seeing a wonderful man who lost his wife over a year ago to breast cancer. He wasn't looking to get involved with anyone either, and yet, something clicked for us. We started out as mutual support for each other in our grief and became friends. Now we are talking about the rest of our lives together. (yeah, I know, it isn't supposed to work when it's too soon and both people are grieving, but for us it does work.) We are sympathetic and understanding toward each other about what each of us still goes through, and where we are going.
Now, I'm not going to say that my situation and yours were comparable. The lover I lost was not a long time part of my past. But if you don't push the grief away and instead swim along downstream with it and see what gifts it has to give you (crazy, I know, but it has been such a life changer for me in so many positive ways once I got out the other side), you may just find some gifts.
Since your original post was 6 months ago, I hope you are doing better now and finding some parts of life are getting easier again. Life never goes back to what it was after such a soul-shattering experience, but the new life is still full and rich if you allow it to unfold without clinging over much to the past. There is no new "normal" but there is a new "today" every day. You're still here for a reason. Make the most of each day and figure out what that reason is for you.
I wish I had your strength and thoughts - I just want to stop missing him
I don't think I have any special strength. I still miss David every day. And I have a wonderful man in my life who understands because he still misses his wife every day. And yet, we have a very strong and loving relationship with each other. We understand how each other's partner is a significant part of our past and a scar on our hearts. We are not jealous or upset about it, it just is.
Grief is a strange beast. It's only been going on two years for me next July, but I don't think I will ever stop missing David. Just as you will never stop missing your man. Sorry, but I'll be honest. We never stop missing them. But we do find some healing over time where the pain is not as sharp. Perhaps it is my unique set of beliefs around death and what happens to our spirit after the body dies, perhaps it is a mental aberration of mine, I don't know if my experience translates for anyone else. I can only offer that your man will always be a piece of you, that your heart will never feel quite whole again, and that it is exactly that which makes the rest of life so precious. It makes things so much clearer about what's important. At least it did for me.
I can't say as I've read any good books on grief that I would recommend, but there is one book I got the audio version of (so I could listen while working/driving), it's called Dying to Be Me by Anita Moorjani. Very interesting book about her experiences and I found it resonated with me and gave me a different perspective that offered some comfort. Your mileage may vary.
Everyone's grief experience is different. I will say that by not fighting the grief process and letting it flow through me more unimpeded than was my usual, I found that it had some gifts to give me. I am changed in positive ways that I can't quite articulate fully. I've found myself more patient, more understanding of other's pain and circumstances. I have found I care almost nothing for things now and am planning experiences I wish to have. I have also gone back to college to get my degree and am working on improving my work and financial life, knowing that David would be supportive and proud of me for doing so. It isn't so much about moving on as it is about moving forward with purpose and mindfulness. I'm doing it for me.
As fragile as you have felt these many months, and as broken and empty as you may still feel, you are not broken. You are in the process of having a very deep (and painful) birthing of yourself. You will very likely come out the other side of this a very different (in a good way) person if you can hold that thought and not fall into bitterness and despair. I wouldn't recommend this path to anyone. But since you're on it, you might as well wring as much out of it as you can, if only for spite. You have more strength that you feel. You will make it through this and even if you start out on a path to do something in his honor, you will find it is really for your ultimate benefit.
Sorry if I'm long-winded and get a bit esoteric about this stuff. I just never expected to love, enjoy life, go back to college for my degree at 52, or anything else positive after David died. I felt cheated in having to live when I felt dead inside. Now? Now, life is taking one new day at a time.
Hold onto the knowledge that it can happen for you too. Even if you don't feel it yet.