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Permalink Reply by Veronica Hoffman on July 15, 2014 at 2:24am

I just don't understand why I'm alive and he's not. There is no understanding this, and I just can't say, "Life goes on." because for me, it doesn't. Now that he's not here with me, the colors are dull, the air is almost unbreathable, and there is no sunshine. 

I'm sorry, but I just don't see why I should be glad to be alive. I'm suffering. Do people enjoy seeing me suffer? Is that why they keep telling me I should stay alive?

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Permalink Reply by bluebird on July 15, 2014 at 8:16am

I feel the same way.  There is no understanding our husband's deaths, because they are inexplicable and wrong. Life doesn't go on for either of us, and there is no joy in life.

People say we should stay alive because they love us, but they don't understand that that's not enough, and that no matter how much they love us and we love them, without our soulmates life is hell (at least, that's how it is for me).

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Permalink Reply by Wander on July 15, 2014 at 9:34am

Ditto-- same here. Absolutely. I feel like I've been condemned to run an endless marathon down a long, straight road-- nothing on the horizon, nothing to look forward to-- with cinder blocks chained to my arms and legs. The road is lined with well-meaning people who cheer me on, shouting encouragement and loving support, and I know they're trying to help, but no one can actually step onto the tarmac and pick up the blocks, or even help me move them. All I want to do is stop, but I'm not allowed to. I'm compelled to struggle on, even though I beg constantly for release, because of the insatiable demands of the people around me.

I know I ought to find the strength to go on, if only for my kids' sake-- but what kind of "life" is it when the only reason I stay is duty? Yes, I'm responsible for them, and I'm trying, I really am. I plod through day after miserable day, working to keep a roof over their heads and food in the fridge. But there's nothing for me. Nothing. Is that really what all these people who claim to love me want for me? I'm so empty. I'm so cold. 

I used to be a good person. I cared. I tried to make the world around me a better place. It took me years to figure out who I was, and to like that person. It didn't happen until my sweet husband found me and healed my broken heart. Now he's gone, and everything that was me went with him. Nothing matters now, there's no happiness or hope for any. I just want to go. I want to find him, or, failing that, I want oblivion. I do not want to be here, and I resent everyone and everything that insists that I stay. 

You're precisely right, bluebird. This is hell. And I don't understand what I did to be forced to exist here. I can't comprehend for a minute why anyone who says they love me would want me to endure this. They keep saying it gets better, but they're liars. They have no idea how awful this is. They want me to be "okay" so it'll be better for them. I'll never be okay as long as I'm trapped in this miserable existence.

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Permalink Reply by bluebird on July 15, 2014 at 7:52pm

The imagery in your first paragraph is spot on -- that's how it feels for me, too.

In a way I have it slightly easier, in that I don't have kids depending on me -- but I do have my parents, sister and brother-in-law, as well as our cat, all of whom want/need me to be alive, even though I don't want to be.

I used to be a good person, too. Now I don't give a fuck about anything.  No happiness, no hope, no joy, no comfort, no peace.

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Permalink Reply by Veronica Hoffman on August 4, 2014 at 6:58am

Yeah, that imagery in your first paragraph is just about right, Wander. I wish I could want to live, but there's just too much pain in life for me to want it. And who, in their right mind, who claim to love me, would want that for me, anyway? 

I just can't believe this kind of suffering is meant to be. Not for anyone. 

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Permalink Reply by Pam on August 4, 2014 at 11:33am

Agree totally with you all. The hell of this existence and the feeling of being trapped here because our loving families want us to stay here with them. I do understand how they feel - because when my darling husband was here, I cherished life and all I needed was for us to always be together - our love could conquer anything. I would NEVER have wanted his, mine or anyone's life to end. Since he passed, my perspective has changed & I can hardly believe that I no longer cherish my life. Every day I pray to die, for this pain to end and to be reunited with my love.

Well intended statements don't help at all - I find they send me deeper into despair. But I also think that unless another can get into my skin & my head...they can't know- its just impossible. Perhaps compassion is silent...sometimes there are no words.

Next step for me....another drink, a few more cigarettes, crap diet, no exercise. And a prayer to leave this lonely, miserable existence - tonight if possible.

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Permalink Reply by Wander on August 5, 2014 at 7:06pm

Absolutely. I've never smoked and I'm not much of a drinker, but I've seriously contemplated taking them both up. I was diagnosed with diabetes a little over a year ago, and until my husband died, I was proud of the way I was handling it. I'd cleaned up our diet, got moving, lost 50 lbs. My blood work was great. Then he left, and none of it matters any longer. If mainlining cola would send me into DKA and kill me, I'd do it. 

You want to hear something pathetic? I lost most of that weight before he left. I've lost maybe 15 lbs since he died, because I don't give a rat's rear whether I eat most days or not. But no one noticed until I was grieving. I guess they didn't give me a second look until I was a tragic figure. I don't care-- it doesn't matter in the least-- but it's interesting to me. It illustrates how mych of a freak I've become-- step up, come see the dead woman walking! Feel 300% better about your own life! Go home, hug your sweetheart, and be glad it's not you!

I'm right there with you, Pam-- I lay down every night and pray I won't see another dawn. If they find me they can sigh and say, "She loved him so much, she couldn't stand to be away from him." And they'll be right. Perfect end to a fairy tale love, right?

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Permalink Reply by bluebird on August 6, 2014 at 11:53am

Exactly, Pam. When my husband was here, I cherished our life together, and could deal with the problems in life (for us, that was mainly financial issues).  I would have done whatever I needed to do to save his life or mine. Now, I don't give a flying fuck about my life -- in fact, very much the opposite, I want it to end as soon as possible. I know that will hurt my family, and I truly am sorry about that, but I cannot live this way. it is torture every fucking moment, and I am DONE.

I intentionally do things that are bad for my health, too. I don't smoke, never have, I hate it, but I do eat horribly, don't care that i'm too fat, sometimes don't take my blood pressure medications, etc.  My life ended the moment my husband died, and my body has to end too.

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Permalink Reply by Veronica Hoffman on August 16, 2014 at 8:20am

I've lost about 30 pounds in the 5 months since my husband's death. Because I can't care enough to remember to eat. And people lecture me for it, but I'm not fucking hungry, so I don't eat. When I notice I'm hungry, I eat, but they say it's unhealthy. Well, good. Maybe I'll starve to death, then, and I can be with my husband again.

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Permalink Reply by Elizabeth on August 16, 2014 at 2:44pm

Hi

I have not read the whole thread. Its too much for me at the moment.

I understand your statement that " Maybe I'll starve to death, then, and I can be with my husband again." I feel like that allot and have said that to my self many times.

I lay in bed most of the day at the moment and think about my partner. I understand the pain you express.

Im trying tto become active on the forum instead of just posting on my own. I hope its ok to say something .

As far as eating goes I sometimes really have to force every mouthful down as I have lost so much weight also.

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Permalink Reply by Wander on August 16, 2014 at 4:56pm

Hi Elizabeth, I'm so sorry you have to be here with us. It's a nightmare, and for me, at least, it never ends. Some days I can barely force anything down my throat; other days I want to binge until I'm sick, because at least that temporarily masks the pain in what's left of my heart. My sweet husband passed four months ago, and the only thing I look forward to anymore is joining him. I'm so sorry that you're hurting too. :(

Permalink Reply by Veronica Hoffman on August 16, 2014 at 5:05pm

I'm so sorry for your loss. Of course it's okay to post here. It's more than okay. 

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