I have been struggling with a Major Depressive Disorder for a very long time and have been to numerous psychiatrists searching for help all to no avail. Some time ago I found out that for a period of about twelve years I had Hep C and never knew that I had it, until I began feeling sick everyday. I went to a doctor and was told that in the time I didn't know I had it, the virus had ravaged my liver and that my only hope was a transplant. My insurance company agreed that as a last ditch effort they would authorize one of the new twelve week drug regimens at a cost of $130,000. Unfortunately it didn't change anything. The town I live in is a small rural town that I moved to about ten hears ago because of a suggestion by my oldest sister. Initially I found a job but that ended very quickly because of a downturn in the economy. The job required me to travel out of state frequently and as a result I never had the time to make any friends. Now due to how sick I feel on a daily basis I very rarely leave my bedroom. I no longer have a car, that on good days I could at least go for a ride to break up the monotony but as I said that's gone now. I never knew that loneliness could be so physically painful, it actually hurts. I have no family support, or support from anyone else. One of my biggest fears has been that I will die alone with no one here that could at least hold my hand and tell me everything is going to be okay. I know that doesn't sound very macho of me, but at this point I really don't care about that anymore. I had wasted nearly twenty years of my life because of a drug addiction and subsequent incarceration. I served nineteen years, four months of that 20 year sentence when I was younger, time I can never get back. It wasn't for anything violent, but rather for an accumulation of drug crimes. When I was released I had many hopes and dreams that I would like to have accomplished, but now it's far too late for those things. When you get to my age and look back over your life and realize that you've wasted nearly all of it, well the pain of that is unimaginable. Today, I want to end this unbearable loneliness and the pain of a completely wasted life. I can't find the sense to keep going, hoping against hope that maybe I'll get a transplant especially when I know full well that they won't waste a perfectly good liver on the likes of me. Even my doctors have told me that the chances are very slim. Please if there is anyone out there who can give me the strength to go on for a while longer, please let me know, Please?

Views: 144

Reply to This

Replies to This Discussion

Doug,  I just read your post and I am so sorry that you have such a heavy burden of what life was and is.  Since my husbands death I've been on a quest to answer so many questions that seem to lead me to dead ends.  I can wonder why, even in your case, certain things happen to certain people and did we really have as much choice as we thought?  Looking for the reasons and answers for this and so much else, daily, I have an existential crisis wrapped inside another existential crisis.  Looking back and living in the present I feel like I was fooled into believing I lived in reality and yet I am not sure whether I didn't then, and don't now, wake up in a different universe every day.   It all feels so surreal.  It's like the whole progression of life was written before I got here and for whatever reason I have to follow the script.

All this is to say I am only here on this site now because my own depression/sorrow/grief in how the way things turned out for me allows me to walk alongside you and understand better how when we reach out we never know who or what might be there to help us withstand the brunt of the unknowns.  If there is anything that brings me to reflect on my own situation is when I hear others who are dealing with seemingly worse trauma and circumstances though it never seems to help me when I am crawling towards my own hole.  

I also think it is inspiring that you have continued to try to find ways to live and are willing to ask for help.  Its hard to do that.  That you came on here to share your grief speaks volumes of a strength you may have missed when you look in the mirror.  I hope that whatever the universe has written out for you makes your burden lighter.  

morgan

October 22nd, 2012, my elder son was told he had late-stage Hodgkin's Lymphoma. Massive tumour on his right lung. Inoperable. Long story short: he went through HELL and he died just a month later. No counselling has ever been offered. I've been left, alone to deal with the loss. I STILL try to deal with it. Alone.

RSS

Latest Activity

Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Lisa Everything you said is right I also had to go on something for anxiety of course I wouldn’t take the proper dose because I was afraid it helped a bit but I’m still having anxiety and yes I’m learning to live as hard as it is…"
43 minutes ago
Lisa Green commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Thank you Brett. I took Abby to see Dad last Saturday and it was such a nice reunion. He was not as excited as I thought he would be but that's ok. Abby sat right beside dad the whole time and dad rubbed her head and talked to her some. He…"
1 hour ago
Sopa Brown posted a status
"I look to you, it's where my help comes from. Thank you Lord for your lovingkindness and fathfullness."
2 hours ago
Sopa Brown posted a status
"Dear Lord, give me the grace and strength to carry on. Amen."
2 hours ago
Sopa Brown posted a status
"My heart is broken. A part of me has died. My eyes swell up with tears. This too shall past."
2 hours ago
Sopa Brown posted a status
"I have the hope of expectation of seeing him again on the new earth as it is in heaven."
2 hours ago
Sopa Brown posted a status
"My son's birthday just past. He would have been 27 years young. Now, he's been gone for 2years."
2 hours ago
Jarvis updated their profile
4 hours ago
Profile IconJen Mana, Yana, Kathy coleman and 1 more joined Online Grief Support - A Social Community
4 hours ago
Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Brett, I hope you are handling everything as well as can be, that is my fear losing my dog, he is my strength But hopefully time will heal. It is coming up on two years for both of us, I'm still heartbroken, people just dont' understand…"
5 hours ago
Maxey left a comment for Cheyenne Steffen
"Hi, Cheyenne, I am so sorry for your loss. I will face this Saturday with dread as it is the second year of my husband's death. I think in the beginning, you feel a sort of numbness, you cannot believe this is real. As time goes by, you realize…"
11 hours ago
morgan left a comment for Cheyenne Steffen
"I always read the circumstances of those who have just joined this site and feel for all but mostly for those who have lost a spouse because that is my own very personal loss.  So writing to everyone is impossible and when I read, I feel over…"
13 hours ago
Emma Milner joined Jarvis's group
Thumbnail

I love my Dad.

For everyone that has lost their Dad.
21 hours ago
Profile Iconkiran singh, Cheyenne Steffen, Emma Milner and 3 more joined Online Grief Support - A Social Community
yesterday
Michaela waldier commented on Julie Dolsey-Weiss's group Traumatic, Sudden Loss
"Well, the finality of it all has set in;recieved my hunni's ashes and death cert finally from Alaska.He's been gone 9 weeks. Im no longer angry,im moving towards finding a happy medium, didnt have the luxery of laying around in defeat,have…"
yesterday
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"I was so glad that I was able to do everything my mom needed as a caretaker but that did not make her death any easier. I still lost her. I still have the finality of death in my mind that hits me every day like a sledge hammer. And it's the…"
Monday
Lisa Green commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Brett,  Life is so hard and it's definitely not fair. No one should ever have to lose their Mom at any age.  My mom has been gone for 20 months and I still miss her terribly and I do still talk to her out loud in my car. It makes me…"
Monday
Louise joined Desiree's group
Thumbnail

When will the ache subside?

A group for people who have lost loved ones with prolonged suffering. For those of us who have seen that the end is coming, and had to watch the ones we love creep toward it.
Monday
Louise replied to Ashley Lounsbury's discussion I lost my daddy to suicide.
"I’m so sorry Ashley, your situation sounds truly horrendous, life seems so unfair. My husband died from suicide on 29/30 September; I have the uncertainty because he disappeared for a night and wasn’t found until the next day, so…"
Monday
Louise posted a blog post

Does Counselling Really Help?

I’ve not been on here for a while, it’s been so hard just trying to get through the days; keeping myself busy, trying desperately hard not to think about things and often failing miserably. I’m so tired of feeling so shitty all the time. I had my first session with a counsellor today, after feeling initially nervous and not wanting to say much everything came out and I cried like a baby. I feel absolutely drained now and very emotional. So my question is this, does counselling really help or…See More
Monday

© 2017   Created by Jarvis.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service