I have been struggling with a Major Depressive Disorder for a very long time and have been to numerous psychiatrists searching for help all to no avail. Some time ago I found out that for a period of about twelve years I had Hep C and never knew that I had it, until I began feeling sick everyday. I went to a doctor and was told that in the time I didn't know I had it, the virus had ravaged my liver and that my only hope was a transplant. My insurance company agreed that as a last ditch effort they would authorize one of the new twelve week drug regimens at a cost of $130,000. Unfortunately it didn't change anything. The town I live in is a small rural town that I moved to about ten hears ago because of a suggestion by my oldest sister. Initially I found a job but that ended very quickly because of a downturn in the economy. The job required me to travel out of state frequently and as a result I never had the time to make any friends. Now due to how sick I feel on a daily basis I very rarely leave my bedroom. I no longer have a car, that on good days I could at least go for a ride to break up the monotony but as I said that's gone now. I never knew that loneliness could be so physically painful, it actually hurts. I have no family support, or support from anyone else. One of my biggest fears has been that I will die alone with no one here that could at least hold my hand and tell me everything is going to be okay. I know that doesn't sound very macho of me, but at this point I really don't care about that anymore. I had wasted nearly twenty years of my life because of a drug addiction and subsequent incarceration. I served nineteen years, four months of that 20 year sentence when I was younger, time I can never get back. It wasn't for anything violent, but rather for an accumulation of drug crimes. When I was released I had many hopes and dreams that I would like to have accomplished, but now it's far too late for those things. When you get to my age and look back over your life and realize that you've wasted nearly all of it, well the pain of that is unimaginable. Today, I want to end this unbearable loneliness and the pain of a completely wasted life. I can't find the sense to keep going, hoping against hope that maybe I'll get a transplant especially when I know full well that they won't waste a perfectly good liver on the likes of me. Even my doctors have told me that the chances are very slim. Please if there is anyone out there who can give me the strength to go on for a while longer, please let me know, Please?

Views: 183

Reply to This

Replies to This Discussion

Doug,  I just read your post and I am so sorry that you have such a heavy burden of what life was and is.  Since my husbands death I've been on a quest to answer so many questions that seem to lead me to dead ends.  I can wonder why, even in your case, certain things happen to certain people and did we really have as much choice as we thought?  Looking for the reasons and answers for this and so much else, daily, I have an existential crisis wrapped inside another existential crisis.  Looking back and living in the present I feel like I was fooled into believing I lived in reality and yet I am not sure whether I didn't then, and don't now, wake up in a different universe every day.   It all feels so surreal.  It's like the whole progression of life was written before I got here and for whatever reason I have to follow the script.

All this is to say I am only here on this site now because my own depression/sorrow/grief in how the way things turned out for me allows me to walk alongside you and understand better how when we reach out we never know who or what might be there to help us withstand the brunt of the unknowns.  If there is anything that brings me to reflect on my own situation is when I hear others who are dealing with seemingly worse trauma and circumstances though it never seems to help me when I am crawling towards my own hole.  

I also think it is inspiring that you have continued to try to find ways to live and are willing to ask for help.  Its hard to do that.  That you came on here to share your grief speaks volumes of a strength you may have missed when you look in the mirror.  I hope that whatever the universe has written out for you makes your burden lighter.  

morgan

October 22nd, 2012, my elder son was told he had late-stage Hodgkin's Lymphoma. Massive tumour on his right lung. Inoperable. Long story short: he went through HELL and he died just a month later. No counselling has ever been offered. I've been left, alone to deal with the loss. I STILL try to deal with it. Alone.

RSS

Groups

Latest Activity

morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"This website is like a secret world we inhabit where the platitudes and scorn for not fitting in are understood as hogwash.  We know better than anyone on the outside of our grief how this has affected us.  I am so tired of being labeled…"
1 hour ago
Nancy commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Lovely pictures everyone.   Thank you for sharing.   I am in the same boat.  I just exist.   "
3 hours ago
joe kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"I,m grateful that I found this site.  It's sort of like besides my family, you all are the only friends I have left.  I do have a couple that are long distance, but don't get to see them very often.  All my so called local…"
3 hours ago
joe kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Here's one of our permanent bed with names blocked out."
3 hours ago
joe kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Linda, We went on that same excursion off a cruise in 2003.  Here is a pic that was taken on the ship when we renewed our vows at a ceremony performed by the Captain."
3 hours ago
Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Morgan & Joe, Thanks for sharing your thoughts. You put into words the horror I go through everyday. Going on year 7 without my Husband Julian. He was my whole life and I want to be with him but I can't. If I didn't believe in God I…"
9 hours ago
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Joe, 49 years is a long time.  Long enough to embed yourself in each other and there is nothing that will soothe the tearing apart of that union.  I knew my husband for 55 (since 2nd grade) and we were together for 35.  Long…"
18 hours ago
joe kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Morgan, Monday will be a very tough day for both of us. It's one year for me which seems like one long day, and six for you, which scares the hell out of me thinking about how long do I have to be here before I go to her. It seems like one long…"
yesterday
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Lets be honest. Death sucks. As I read the posts on here and I see how we struggle when we lose someone to death it boggles the mind how any of us keep moving. I keep saying to myself there is something I can do to make myself feel better and it…"
yesterday
Emma is now a member of Online Grief Support - A Social Community
yesterday
Kelly Lieberman posted a status
"Can't sleep. Typical, my daughter goes back to college in the morning and I am having a hard time with that."
yesterday
Kelly Lieberman posted photos
yesterday
mindy replied to mindy's discussion Feeling pretty well depressed
"I guess I'm doing ok I was in the middle of a family fued Christmas day night so I been keeping to myself I check out that site but don't have the money to pay for it I'm disabled"
yesterday
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"I agree with all of that. I didn't expect a reward. My mom was reward enough, but I am not the same person that I once was. And I thought that some kind of balance would occur. I can't explain that really. It's been defeating. As soon…"
Friday
M Adams commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"After my husband’s death, and now after losing my mother, I also found myself somehow imagining that, not so much that something good would happen, more that some kind of reward would come to me, something to balance off the pain and…"
Friday
Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Well, Brett, one day we all shall see, I have many many questions, but no one to answer them. My heart still aches everyday, I still cry, but no one understands why, they have no clue...."
Friday
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"There's something that has been on my mind lately and this is the best place to mention it. As much as I feared and dreaded my mom's death, I sort of felt like something good would happen, maybe not right away, but eventually. Like Karma…"
Friday
Margaret Whitehouse commented on mary snell's group hi
"I know how you feel. I lost my mom Jan 6, 2019 and it is so raw and all I do is cry. I was in the room when she passed and had been all day. My regret is I wasn't holding her hand when she took her last breath. She had dementia and I saw her 3…"
Thursday
Margaret Whitehouse joined mary snell's group
Thumbnail

hi

hi I recantly lost my mom two weeks ago I'm still missing her and I wish that i could of said good bye to her before said passed away See More
Thursday
Brenda Ann replied to mindy's discussion Feeling pretty well depressed
"Mindy, I am not a doctor but I am a student of the Bible. It seems that you are suffering from anxiety over your past. Humans including ourselves seem to filter the good things we have done and focus on the "bad". But God is the opposite.…"
Wednesday

© 2019   Created by Ninja.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service