It's been a while since I posted anything. I think I needed to tell others what's been going on since my beloved wife Annette died last December 2nd. We had no children, no friends or relatives. All we had was each other. We were poor, but we were happy. We knew we had no one but each other. Many a time we were on the verge of eviction because we were both out of work. And I remember those days when we had no food in our fridge and went days without eating except milk and eggs.

No one, no soup kitchen or church or food pantry would help us because we were failing in health -- and none would could bring us food. It was agony to move but we did -- barely. Annette had lost all cartilage in both knees. So it was bone grinding bone.

My health.. well it's finally gotten to a point where my morbid obesity has finally left me with an expanded lower groin that doesn't allow wearing normal pants. Imagine a beach ball between your legs and sagging to your knees. I am stared at in the street as a freak and made fun of continually. On a bus someone even took a photo of me.

Living alone, the nightmares have grown out of control. I awake screaming. The apartment is filthy and I can barely stand on my feet. I stagger, trip and fall and getting up from the floor is a staggering experience in pain. I never thought my loneliness would be so profound. No one around. Just existing. When you are used to having someone say "I love you" and they're gone the meaning of life loses all importance.

I managed to get a job FT job because of a friend. Now I am losing the job  because they hired me sight unseen -- and the job now requires heavy lifting. Now a major company move upcoming up, I am unable to perform the job. Emails I've seen from management  have made it a point I'm most likely finished here due to my inability to do physical moves.

The medical insurance card from the company doesn't cover any weight loss procedure. So my hopes are gone since there will be no gastric bypass or anything else.

I grow weaker each day. My blackouts have increased.  My health is failing and I pray that life reunites me with my Annette. Physically, doctors at free clinics have told I won't see my 60's in my state. The heart can't take the pounding. Part of me hopes they're right.

One note: My wife has contacted me spiritually. I am blind without my eyeglasses. I've lost them in our apartment and it's terrifying to be blind because my wife and I would help search on the floor under the bed etc.. if we lost our eyeglasses.

Well, I lost my glasses twice. The first time: Being obese, the chronic fatigue and pain in bending to find something on the floor is painful. Crying in the dark, I begged Annette to find them for me. I was urged, somehow to go into the kitchen where I found my glasses on the floor under the kitchen table. I knew she spoke to me somehow. But it was this past evening I knew I wasn't alone:

I lost my glasses. 3am in the morning suffering from a bloated groin and in agony. No one to help me. I sat on the bed once again sobbing. I begged Annette to help me again. I searched everywhere and this time I was in agony. I rose from the bed and asked her to point the way to the glasses. I then knocked over my oscillating fan which in turn knocked over a long piece of lumber.

The lumber fell onto the floor and pointed to the kitchen once again. In a haze from the pain my body was experiencing, I walked right in the direction the lumber was pointing toward.

And the glasses were there on the floor -- same as before. I knew she was there. Any my survivor's guilt, though intact, leads me to believe that my soon to be homelessness will eventually finish me off and we'll be together. I pray my beloved Annette will be there waiting for me to forgive me for being a lousy husband and once again, telling me she loves me.

And that's all I want.

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I don't know what to tell you other than my hope is that your wish comes true.  Sounds morbid but being at four years/ ten months I am ridiculously tired of getting beat up.  I keep smashing into the brick wall of having to try and understand that my husband is dead.  He is gone.  At first it was day after day of crying and being so shell shocked I couldnt do anything but try to think I was going to figure out why I was so destroyed.  I was trying to figure out a way to live without my husband.  

Now in the last four or so months it has gotten to the point where my mind just cannot stand knowing that he is dead.  It doesn't matter what i do to try and make it through a day, a week a month, a year.  He's dead.  Gone.  And yet I still connect almost everything I do to what we had when he was alive.  I have to really work hard physically and mentally to distract myself from thinking about him.  And when I don't and my mind freely floats to our life together I fall apart.  Every single time.  Its been four plus grueling years of living in a constant state of anguish.

I have begged for release from this emptiness.  I keep begging and nothing happens other than more pain.  Which is why in a most respectful way I hope you get what you wish for.  My heart would like nothing more than for each of us getting the wish we want.  

Dear Anne/Morgan:

As I write this, I've come back from another doctor visit. I'm told that my weight is so profound that only surgery will help me. Since my job doesn't cover the costs and I'm penniless I've decided to let it ride as they say. Enough is enough. Annette was my life and I was hers. That's it. It's so simple the concept. Once in love you no longer live for yourself but for someone else. It's the darkness that terrifies me. The silence, no one there but your own thoughts of despair.

I walk in agony and my older brother, God bless him understands the agony I go through to go to work. That I'm practically on all fours waiting for buses, getting into the building. I cry in pain and loneliness in the men's room.

I'm behind on the rent, food is running out and I won't have money to get to work starting next Tuesday. SO I've come full circle I guess. For me it's wait and nothing else. I sit outside alone, waiting to die of ill health. Many neighbors wave as they pass by. I see them with their children, relatives etc... and I'm reminded I have none of those things. Again, pain, physical pain is 24/7. I would never in my wildest nightmares assume this would be my life.

Fat, obese, ugly, balding, sick... no hope. I wander home from work. With the loss soon of this job, I thought I would die prior to being homeless. I prayed and prayed to God for mercy. To put this pathetic carcass of a man out of his misery. I just want the mourning, grieving and pain to stop.




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