Don't grieve alone; 14,000 members and growing
I never knew how hard it was to lose someone until I experienced a loss firsthand.
People will say these things - drives me crazy. I know they mean well, but...
1. She's in a better place.
2. God had plans for her.
3. It was her time.
Also, whenever I talk with anyone about this experience they ALWAYS change the subject to a death that they had experienced. "Well, when my father died 4 years ago..."
or goshh yea herd all thm evn gets wors or silly thgnwe get 2 hear
dnt cry abot it iv bean told
wors 1 iv bean told wish evry 1 on hears bean told 2 get over it yea how do we get ovr it
or gi it gets wors jeff
sorry abot yore loss/losses 2
hera hears 1 wish lot of us bean told we not bean fair 2 ther fealins coz we upsetn thm coz of loss/losses we had
People are idiots. Often they are trying to be helpful, but unless it has happened to them, they simply don't know what it's like. Even if it has happened to them, it is never exactly the same as what has happened to you or to anyone else, because it is different people in a different relationship.
As for the three things you listed that people say, here is my opinion of those things:
1. "She's in a better place". Bullshit. The best place for my husband to be is with me, the soul/person who loves him more than anyone else in the universe/existence. I hope there's a wonderful afterlife where he is now, and where we will be forever reunited, but even if there is, for each of us the best place to be is with the other, our soulmate. Period. And we should have had a much longer, happy life together here, before death.
2. "God had plans for her." I very much doubt a god exists at all, but if it does it can fuck right off. I don't give a damn what "plans" it may have had for my husband, I don't give a damn what it wants or intends. It should not have interfered with us staying together.
3. "It was her time." Fuck that. Again, I don't believe in god, so I don't believe there is a god who "decided" when it was time for my husband to die. And the universe is not sentient, so it can't "decide" anything. If we humans are going to live at all, then those of us who find our soulmates should always die at the same time as them, if that's what we choose. Having one die and the other live is the height of cruelty, as far as I'm concerned.
I know my post isn't exactly uplifting, but then I am never uplifting anymore. But I just want you to know that you are not alone in hating to hear people say all the asinine things they say after someone dies.
Again, I could have written much of what you wrote. Let's not forget "time heals all wounds." Another annoying expression.
I don't know what to believe about the hereafter, but I want to be with my girlfriend again, forever. That's the only thing that gives me hope.
I lost the love of my life three weeks ago. We would have been going up to a July 4th party in the Colorado mountains as we did the past 2 years. It was started by a family that lost their sister to cancer years ago. This year I won't be going. It would have been hard, but I wasn't even invited.
Everyone is having a fun weekend, but I am stuck being profoundly sad, looking up at the sky, and feeling the tremendous weight of my loss.
Bluebird, I wish we were neighbors.
We are neighbors, of a kind, in that we both live in this place of sadness and mourning. I wish neither of us had to feel any of this; I wish none of us did.
This is a particularly hard weekend for me, too, as July 4th is my husband's favorite holiday. As with all other holidays, I can't/don't celebrate it anymore.
Bluebird, thank you so much for your straightforward honesty in your posts. I so appreciate you.
There are 5 more things should be added:
5. (after time heals was added) You will be OK
6. What can I do for you? (and evaporate into thin air right away)
7. Call me if you need anything (meaning go straight to my voicemail that I never chek)
8. I understand (do you? really?)
9. You must act, do something (I wish I knew what to do...)
I only know that time really heals. My 1st wound has been healed a little bit since my mother passed away when I was 8. What was Gods plan when he ripped my 31 yo mother off her 2 children 8 and 1 yo? If there was a plan it was sick and cruel. No God should take children from mothers and mothers from children. This wound is healing since 1971 but still hurts and bleeds often.
My 2nd and 3rd wounds healed completely: loss of my beloved man (2003), and my beloved husband (2005). It was the same pain as now, same anger and emptiness, but those wounds healed leaving deep scars on my heart and everyday sadness. I still love both men and miss them. I still keep their photos and letters and cards and celebrate their birthdays. They are always with me, in my heart even though nobody knows.
My 4th wound hurts terribly. It hurts as the man I have lost was a significant and irreplaceable part of my world. It is a huge hole. I don't actually think about myself now. I think why Universe, God, Karma whatever did not let this man retire completely and spend at least some golden years doing nothing but turning his sweet, simple dreams into reality. Why? Why would he die at work? Why had we no chance to say bye to each other? Is it some kind of kindness - it was his time and I have another plan for him - or a real cruelty? Why would anybody hurt 2 people at the same time? He did not deserve to die but he is probably happy somewhere (as they say), what about my life here? What the hell did I do and what the hell I should to tomorrow? I don't know but if there is some plan to rip couples apart, this is not God's plan - this is a plan of Devil.
Just heard another 3:
10. It could be worse - what can be worth than death?
11. Thanks, God, you have no little children - do you think it helps?
Next time somebody will tell me - Thanks, God, you do not have 10 horses!
12. At least he/she doesn't have any pain now! -Great, because it's me who has double pain now. Hello? God?
it gets so dum u hear it evry day on hear we do
u shud be usd 2 funrelss dum no only a funrel dirkter is not me or a humstis celbrt is not me or prest not me i cud not be a preast or relgers person doin a servis coz why did god let us suffr in loss i wud be swearin 2 mush
I think people generally speaking are at a loss of words. And what they use is far from comforting really...sight