First- welcome to Missing My Son or Daughter. Only I truly wish you all didn't know this agony & loss. But, we all do - We may be able to help each other by sharing our story & connecting with people who truly understand us.
((( HUGS to you ALL))) Karen

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I keep trying to answer this, but it just wonʻt post.  I am sorry for the loss of your daughter. The image of walking through molasses is just exactly right - thatʻs exactly how I feel. I am worried about the holidays, because his birthday is just then, too. Every day seems harder and harder. 

Something is going on with the website.  I'm having trouble getting things to post as well and when they do sometimes they come up multiple times.   You should be able to delete posts by clicking the x in the upper right corner of the post.

I am having such a hard day today. Lucasʻ gravestone was put on his grave yesterday, and it is just "more real" for some reason. I am having all kinds of physical symptoms, presumably from stress, and I just am not handling anything well. I totally over-reacted to a classmate who said "Be strong, we are with you," on Facebook - telling me to "be strong" is a punch in the stomach, I replied (and I DIDNʻT add - "And, no, you are not "with me" - and God forbid that you should ever be in the same spot as I am now). Itʻs only Tuesday...I am not sure I can teach for three more days with any kind of patience or grace.

The last 4  weeks are the worst in my whole life. 3 weeks ago my son Steven, 16 years old, went to a birthday party. He stayed over night there. The next day he was dead. He drunk out of a bottle, he thought was juice in it, but there was a mixer of methadone in the bottle. Than he went to sleep, later vomit in he's sleep and died on that, cause he didn't wake up.

 A drug addict women, who lives in a apartment in that house where the b-party was had methadone to get off the drugs. She suppose to keep it looked up.......nobody knows how the bottle got there , it's still under investigation.

The lab results from the autopsy of my son proved that he had methadone in his blood, just a little, but it's so poison that it was enough.....

I don't know how to go on with life, I lost my faith, I'm so lost.

I'm german and my husband of 26 years is American. He served 20 years in the U.S. Army, then got out as a veteran. We decided to stay in a small town in Germany, so my son can finish his school and it supposed to be safe here.

I keep asking Why ????? but I know there will be no answer.

Dear Silke B

I lost my only child, my son Daniel at age 17 in a tragic car accident. His "friend" was speeding and lost control. My son was the only one injured and died almost instantly. I understand the horror you are going through. The suddenness, the trauma.  The lost future for us all. The indescribable pain. I am so sorry. How could he not come home that night? Sending you love and prayers

Hallo Conni K

I'm so sorry for your loss and all them, some how, unreal story's on this side. That's how I feel sometimes, like all this is not real. I get up in the morning, hoping this was a nightmare. I question every day, why I'm still here and I go to bed, hoping I don't wake up the next morning.

I'm so exhausted, I don't want to think about it anymore and I don't want to cry anymore, but it's not going away. This feeling of emptiness is terrible.

We got the clothes back, he was wearing that day. I can't think of, what to do with them. So they been sitting on the stars in the hallway. Also are he's shoes, can't put them anywhere else. Makes me feel like he's still here, in he's room. I haven't even driven a car since that terrible day.

i can definitely understand your feelings, Conni K.  Most of my days are spent finding it hard to believe that this is even real....

i guess i need to share a little background info, before i get into what happened.  Both of my parents died before i got pregnant or married my first husband.  When my daughter, Shelby, was a baby and her father and i'd decided to let his mother be the 'babysitter,' times were a bit of a struggle.  His mother is/was very opinionated and didn't make things easy on us, considering she was Shelby's grandmother.  Everything was about money with her, so we had to pay her daycare prices, as well as extra funds to have any special 'grammee-Shelby-time'.... And when Shelby was around two, she even tried to talk us into signing over guardianship, since we both worked!  Let's just say that that didn't go over well.  So, that went on for another couple years, for the most part--as well as marital issues and the other attitudes and threats that she and her husband issued to me.  When Shelby was four, i had her brother.  He was one month old, to the day, when we were all involved in an auto accident.  i'm grateful that i was the only one injured, but at the same time, it's changed my life.  So, after i was released from the hospital (a little more than a month), and got thru the rehabilitation to be able to function and raise my kids, i was 'stuck' at home and unable to work.  i could definitely see huge differences between my two kids--personality and behavior, as well as their friends and education.  What made things so much more difficult:  any time Shelby seemed to disagree with her father or myself's parenting skills or whatnot, she'd call her grandmother, who'd always try to 'rescue' her from us.  This wound up being a true issue and when Shelby was fifteen, she tried to run away.  i wound up calling the police and every friend i could find a number for, while her brother--who was 10-11 at the time, ran bare-foot down a rocky driveway and around the neighborhood; as well as their dad's driving around trying to find her.  Needless to say, after about four hours, the cops brought her home, where she told us that she didn't want to live under our rules anymore.  The next thing she did--call her grandmother, who came right over.  *sigh  i was heart-broken, but at the same time, i wanted my husband--her son--to stand by the rules he'd agreed to and made, not give in to his mother.  Long story shortened:  i went through the "Youth Villages" program for the sake of the family--mainly for Shelby.  We implemented the contracts and changes to the home and things seemed to be a little better/safer. Less than two months before her high school graduation, she came to me one evening as i was washing dishes, and told me she was leaving--could not deal with how her father was treating her (which i understood).  Her brother and his friend were playing a video game in one room, and saw all this take place.  Her father was in the living room, playing his game, online.  Shelby and i walked out the front door, together, right by her father, and he never noticed she was gone!  (i had to tell him the next day.)  Needless to say, instead of continuing for the next few weeks so she could graduate, she just left it....and moved in with a 'friend.'   So many things many other's just plain ugly.  Her father became my ex-husband, and he vowed to keep our son from me, because i left. Shelby evidently 'chased' this guy and hooked up with him--he was 28, and she was 17.  So, they became engaged and had a son together.  According to what i've been told, they were all staying with his parents (in a separate area of the home w/separate utilities).  A lot of what i've been told hasn't been proven as fact, so i'm not sure when she really started using.  {The only time i'd ever known of her using anything was when she was in high school and wound up skipping for a few days with some friends, to smoke some weed in the woods.}   i have a feeling--since i don't have any real proof--that her fiance' is the one who initially introduced her to the drug-scene and got her started.  i had no idea she was ever using....i suspected something like that was going on, since she'd gotten arrested for larceny. *sigh  i saw her mugshot and told my husband that she definitely looked like she was using something.  Nobody told me anything.  Nobody.  She'd convinced me that she didn't have money to feed my grandson nor herself, pay for utilities, their doctors' appointments, etc.  So, i wound up sending her what amounted to around $2,000 or more, in a couple months' time.  i had a really rough day, for some reason that i couldn't initially figure out, until the following day, when my ex called.  i called him back and he told me she'd died the day before.  He also told me he wasn't even going to let me know she was gone!  Since i'm in Canada, and definitely not in the area (NC), he gave me the detective's name and the information about Shelby's cremation--since he was not having a funeral. *sigh  i couldn't/can't shake the feeling that he feels embarrassed that she died that way....after being unresponsive in their home, while her fiance' and son were downstairs, and she was 'laying down'...after some odd behavior.  i also have a really hard time believing that no one who was around her in her life didn't notice!!  This all happened last month....15 Feb 2017.  

Personally, i've never known the 'right way' to grieve.  i've experienced loss all my life.  But, i don't really know how to let go.  i still can't see her as gone.  i can't think of her in the past tense.  She is and will always be my first born....She had more to do in this life...she was only 23!!!!

On another note, my plan, at this time, is to have a sort of 'going away party' for her, when i get back to the state.  This may be later on this year, or the early part of next year, but i want anyone/everyone who knew her to have a chance to say goodbye and heal some, if possible.  

Of course, the main concern at this point:  my grandson.  So, i have to try and keep some sort of composure...and not overreact.

Dearest Billy

 I am so sorry for your loss and to have to welcome yu to this group. I only hoe you can find some hope and solace here. Hugs to you

Thank you, Connie K.  For now, it's still unreal....and hard to believe that she's gone.  But, i'm trying to keep going.

Hi Everyone, My name is Karen too, :) First of all i want to say my heart goes out to all on the loss of our children. I am a bereaved mother and a widow as well.

But my precious son died in 1995, so a very long time ago. He was 23 when he died, and i had him when i was still a teenager. He was killed by a drunk driver. It shattered my world as i knew it, and i love and miss him everyday.

I lost my daughter almost 5 years ago, it will be 5 yrs. in May, and she died of substance abuse. A very different kind of grief to what i experienced when my son died.

She was my one and only beautiful girl and have two other surviving boys. We cope, but somedays i don't know how we have got through it all. My children are my heart and half my heart is with my children that died. Maybe one day we will know why?

Just before midnight on 12/12/15 we lost our 17 year old daughter to a drunk driver.  Rhiannon and her friend were picked up by some boys at the bowling alley that night.  They were taken to a party where the boys purchased extra alcohol to get them drunk so that they could take them up to a home where the parents were gone.  We know the intentions were not good.  They never made it.  The driver was nearly 3 times the legal limit that night.  Our daughter was the only fatality which, in itself, is a miracle.  

There are no words to describe our loss, as I'm sure you all know too well.  We hope to finally get to court August 7th,8th and 9th.  We've had one trial date after another postponed.  Meanwhile the adult that did this (yes the driver was an adult), has been out living his life with no significant punishment up to this date.    We offered him a measly 15 years, 10 suspended, 13 months of intensive treatment and 10 years of parole and he turned that down, so now I hope they nail him for at least 10 years in prison. 

Yes, I'm still angry but mostly I just miss my daughter.   She was such a wonderful girl.  She was so kind and at her service there were hundreds of classmates.  In the receiving line we heard over and over again about how sweet she was, how she stood up for the bullied, how she told girls how beautiful they were just when that's what they really needed to hear.  She was just a wonderful girl




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M Adams commented on Mel Royer's blog post Dark Night and Day of the Soul
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morgan commented on Mel Royer's blog post Dark Night and Day of the Soul
"Thanks for checking in Mel.  I had to look up aphasia.  I would hazard a guess that your neural system has taken a beating from your grief and your brain just wants to shut down.  I know I have times where I stutter during a breakdown…"
morgan left a comment for Susan Bishop
"Susan B,  I am so sorry.  To try and live without that person who was by your side for 52 years is a living nightmare.  I had 35 married years but 55 of knowing him (since second grade).  That much history buries the person left…"
dream moon JO B posted photos
dream moon JO B replied to dream moon JO B's discussion mad at god
"not bean a grt wk on pepple passin i no plu  plus near dads anvers 10 or 9 daysi am i no its bean 8 yrs "
Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Hi Bluebird, Thanks for your kind post. I feel the same as you about getting another pet. No other dog could ever take her place and no man could ever take the place of My Dear Husband, Julian. As with you, I don't want to face anymore deaths…"
Mel Royer posted a blog post

Dark Night and Day of the Soul

Hello Morgan, Bluebird, Linda at al. I'm sorry it has been so awfully long since my last contact.  A Year? I have always read the posts, though and have felt the same horrible burning pain I have the last, nearly 5 years since Nancy left me. I have had a couple of tia's including a lengthy bout of "aphasia". It was almost comedic as I couldn't talk but kept trying to tell the emt's which hospital to drop me at. This year, I have come to the concludion will be my year, 2020 will be the year I…See More
Susan Bishop is now a member of Online Grief Support - A Social Community
bluebird commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"I feel the same as both of you. morgan, I'm sorry you had a particularly bad day -- I certainly know what that's like. I hope today is easier for you. Linda, I know what you mean about your dog. When our cat died, aside from the sadness I…"
Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Hi Morgan, I just wish I could have died with Julian. Like you, everyday I just go through motions. I am blessed with my Sweet Dog, Babie J. I am living for her. She now has dementia and it is so sad to watch her declining. She has been by side…"
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Amen Linda.......Today for whatever reason was a particularly rough day.  I am exhausted from crying.   I just don't know how long I can keep pushing forward.  I am definitely in the hate mode......."
Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
Martee replied to bluebird's discussion My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
"Maybe open yourself up, try to ride that love and passion I see in you. You loved your husband so deeply, focus on that. Maybe we are still here because we need to evolve a bit more or do something that God wants us to do. looking back I feel you…"
Martee replied to bluebird's discussion My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
"Exactly If We are wrong we won’t know it, but we do know that we are energy (souls), basic physics says energy cannot be destroyed. Anything is better than existing here in this void!"
Martee replied to bluebird's discussion My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
"If you focus on the light and the good, that’s is God! I have felt it, I don’t know anything about plans or why people get taken before others but I do know that wherever that next realm  is I’m ready to go I am not…"
bluebird replied to bluebird's discussion My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
"That's great that you have no doubt about the existence of an afterlife. I doubt there's a god, but if there is one I'm not convinced it's a loving God, as it allowed my husband to die young(-ish) and one week after our wedding.…"
Jeff C replied to bluebird's discussion My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
"Morgan, Over the years I have thought that Bluebird gets it much more than almost everyone who has written about this - at least from my point of view. At the root of this, I think, it's the absence of their presence that hurts so much.  I…"
Martee replied to bluebird's discussion My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
"bluebird I can’t help but hold out hope in reading all these entries from people that some of them made it to the next realm. That is the reason we don’t hear from some anymore, because they passed on with with their loved ones.  I…"
bluebird replied to bluebird's discussion My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
"Thank you, Joe. It does help a little bit."
morgan replied to bluebird's discussion My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
"Jeff,  Amazing isn't it?  I keep asking myself how it is I could still hurt so much from having my husband no longer with me on this earthly plane.  Not because I don't know it isn't possible but more, what is it that…"

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