Hello everyone. I just lost my dad, not even two weeks ago, and I feel like I can't breathe. He was my favorite person in the world and I sometimes question if I can even function without him. Other times, I still find it hard to believe that he is gone, and then it hits me all over again.

I never got to say goodbye.

He started declining earlier this year so we started getting him treatment and therapy so that he would get better. I haven't physically seen or hugged my dad since I dropped him off at the hospital (due to the virus) over three months ago, and now I never will again. That's the toughest part I guess, all of those missed months that I could have had with him. Now he's gone and I miss him so much it physically hurts.

Has anyone else had a similar experience?

When will it get any better? Can it even get better?

Will I be able to recover?

Tags: Cancer, Father

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Picture your favorite hug in the world. The one that you could stay in forever, and always feel so safe and warm. The one that can hold you and tell you that everything is going to be okay, and you might even get to believe that for a minute. For me, that kind of hug was my dad's.

It has been 365 days and 14 hours since I last hugged my dad. THREE HUNDRED AND SIXTY-FIVE DAYS.

What kind of world is this, that I haven't hugged my dad in a year? What kind of world is it, where I can never hug him again? How is that even possible? How is that fair?

I will never again be able to feel my favorite hug in the world. I will never again experience the place that makes everything okay. And nothing will ever be okay again without my dad.

Hi everyone,

So, I'd like to tell you all a story today. About two years ago, a movie came out in theaters: Escape Room. I, who had recently been enjoying my fair share of scary movies and thrillers, was really looking forward to going to see that movie. I practically played the trailer for anyone who would talk to me, so that I would have a movie companion. Then, I went to my dad's house, like I always did, and it turned out he wanted to see the movie too. So we went, and we really enjoyed it. In fact, we even watched a few other movies that were similar to it, we liked it so much. And, it is still one of my favorite scary/thriller movies, to this day. 

However, the end of the first movie has a somewhat cliff-hanger-y ending so that if they wanted to make a second one, they could. Anyways, the second movie came out in theaters recently, and I was so excited to watch it, from the minute I saw the trailer on TV.

But it just hit me: My dad will never be able to watch that movie. He will never know how the series continues/ends. We'll never get to experience a memory/moment like that again. And just thinking like that, hurts. It hurts so much.

And it is probably so stupid that this bothers me so much, but I can't help it. And, it's not just this moment. I miss my dad every single day. But it is moments when my life has to continue, when his doesn't, that makes living so much harder. What else can I say? It's not fair. 

My dad should be here. We should be able to watch movies together. I should be able to hug him anytime I want to. God, what I wouldn't give just to hear his voice one more time, or to even just sit in the same room as him once more. But I can't. And it's not fair.

I miss him so much.

Hi Liv,
Movies/TV are a trigger for me as well. I was watching a comedy show recently and the comedian was talking about taking their mother off life support and I began to get anxious and realized why. Toward the end of my mom's life I was making all the decisions about my mom's health and my siblings had emotional and physically checked out. Although I did not feel scared at the time, I think my body was holding that feeling in and now it's just now being released. I don't know if I will ever trust my siblings completely again. I felt they just completely left me with it alone.

Hi everyone,

I know that I haven't posted in a while. And, maybe you thought that it meant that I was doing well. Well unfortunately, that is not true. Since around the weekend before the one-year anniversary of my father's passing, everything has been rough.

I miss him so much. It doesn't even feel real. How is it possible that my dad is dead? How is it fair that I will never see him again? or hug him again?

Some people checked-in around the anniversary and said, "I can't believe that it's already been a year." Really? You can't believe it? You mean, you haven't felt every single second like I have? Why not? Why does no one else care that I no longer have a father? that my favorite person in the world is gone? that with all of this, I feel like I can no longer breathe clearly anymore?

The only light in my life is the time that I can see him in my dreams. Most of the time, I know he's gone now, but I can still see him healthy, and hug him. I just start crying and I never want to let him go. Unfortunately, I wake up, but the moments when I remember that I got to see him, I smile. And those moments become the highlight of my week. 

On the other hand, the anniversary brought back memories of when he was sick, and all of the feelings that I felt during that time. My therapist and psychiatrist say that I am experiencing PTSD. While I know that it's not super traumatic like normal PTSD situations, but in my life, it IS traumatic. I mean, I lost my favorite person in the whole world in the worst way. I had to watch him slip away before my eyes, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. And I hate that I couldn't be there for him in the end. 

So anyways, that's how I'm doing now. It's officially been a year, or now it's been 379 days. And, let me tell you, time does NOT heal all wounds. In fact, I like "absence makes the heart grow fonder" better. The longer that it has been, the more I miss him, the more it hurts, because the more it becomes real. 

Well, I don't know when I'll be back, but thanks for reading.

-Liv

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