Hello everyone. I just lost my dad, not even two weeks ago, and I feel like I can't breathe. He was my favorite person in the world and I sometimes question if I can even function without him. Other times, I still find it hard to believe that he is gone, and then it hits me all over again.

I never got to say goodbye.

He started declining earlier this year so we started getting him treatment and therapy so that he would get better. I haven't physically seen or hugged my dad since I dropped him off at the hospital (due to the virus) over three months ago, and now I never will again. That's the toughest part I guess, all of those missed months that I could have had with him. Now he's gone and I miss him so much it physically hurts.

Has anyone else had a similar experience?

When will it get any better? Can it even get better?

Will I be able to recover?

Tags: Cancer, Father

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Hi guys,

So I took an exam yesterday worth 33.3% of my grade for one of my classes. It was the same exam that I was studying for at 9:41 on September 27. I studied for that test 3 times because I didn't know when I was going to have to retake it. I couldn't study for it too much at night though because it only brought up memories from that night. Sometimes I ended up crying just after looking at my notebook. I guess it is safe to say that I wasn't expecting to do so well, but I got an A-.

My professor told me that I did "amazingly well, especially under these circumstances." I don't know if he meant because of what I am going through or because two-thirds of the class got a C or worse. Either way, I think that's the best thing that could have happened right now.

I'm sure there will be paragraphs of sorrow later; Tomorrow is four weeks. Sundays, and just weekends in general, are just plain awful for me that they're no longer relaxing, making the following week more draining and tiring.

So wish me luck and thanks for reading.

-Liv

Hi,

It's four weeks today. I did some number-crunching, and it's been:

  • 123 days since I last saw him in person and hugged him goodbye, when I dropped him off at the hospital.
  • 70 days since I last saw him through a window, before saying goodbye to leave for school.
  • 33 days since I last spoke to him on the phone, before he went unconscious.
  • 28 days since he passed away, and left me forever.

I don't know why I thought it was okay to leave him. I guess I thought he had more time. We should of had more time. I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive myself.

I miss my dad so much. Too much.

-Liv

Dear Friends,

The only person who acknowledged yesterday's significance was a friend I made here. Not one real-world "friend" or family member. I did not receive a single text or phone call yesterday. No one said, "wow. four weeks. how are you doing?" NOTHING.

That only made the time after 9:41 harder. I cried and I sobbed so hard last night that my eyes won't open all the way today, and that's after putting cold things on them to reduce the swelling.

I'd like to say that I cried for my dad, but in reality I cried for myself. I'm not a super selfish person really, but lately, I have been. I cry because I miss my dad. I cry because he left me alone. I cry for all of the things I'll never get to say, for all of the lost moments, hugs, tears, and smiles. I cry because I'm mad about missing out on time with him, and for that, I'll never be able to forgive myself; I cry because all of the regrets I have, make me so dark with self-hatred that I don't know what to do. I cry because people do not acknowledge my pain, and because nothing anyone does can rid me of this pain, because nothing can bring him back.

Yesterday was four weeks, but tomorrow is one month. Looks like a back to back crying-sequence is ahead of me.

-Liv

One month ago, today, my world fell apart. I wonder if I can ever piece it back together again.

I miss my dad.

I've had a habit of wearing his shirts, especially on days like today. The one I'm wearing now smells just like him. Every time I catch his scent, I cry.

I miss my dad.

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