I am unsure where to post this .

I am new in this community and lost my partner of 17 years to tuberculosis a year ago. Tody the grief has been so bad I have been in bed most of the day. Some days I just can not get up. I barley make it to the shop to buy food for dinner.

I am totally alone without friends or family or associates. Thee only friend I have is 700 miles away and is my cousins partner.

I have been living in Mexico for 10 years and landed back in Australia and am currently in a deserted rural town.

I plan to move on as soon as I can into a better place for me.

I am an artist but can not paint at the moment .

I am 60 years old and I am absolutely lost without her.

I am trying my very best but some days its just too much and I have to lay down.

I cry allot over the wrong things I did in the relationship.

The full power of the grief took 6 months to hit me but when it did it just sent me to the floor.

One time I lay on the floor for 3 days not eating or drinking or sleeping.

In the past 6months I have talked everything about my life and my shortcomings out with the god of my understanding to the very best of my ability.

I am having trouble eating at the moment and I am going through allot of crying and feeling totally overwhelmed.

I know she is gone and she is not coming back. I had to talk to myself like a parent would to a child to understand this fully.

I have accepted this fact.

I am having allot of trouble accepting my short comings in this relationship and I deeply question my personal principals in regards to this long and most profound relationship of my life. 

The pain of the loss and self questioning has changed my personality allot. I was very social and outward going before she got sick but now I feel ashamed of myself every time I walk out the door.

Its a real struggle as I said to get to even the store to buys food.

I started a "marmoreal page" dedicated to her on the advice of my cousins partner who said it could help me.

I really need help with my life at this point of time.

Our relationship was at times very stormy and at time we where very close. I think in the end we both loved and hated each other intensely. That for adds further complications to this the most profound loss of my entire life.

Lis 

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Lis,

I'm sorry. :(  Everyone here has some understanding of what it's like, though of course each person's relationship and situation is unique.  My husband died, after nearly 13 years of us being together and one week to the day after our wedding. I am lost without him. 

I don't know if there's an afterlife, and I think it is horrific of god, if there is such a being, to not let us all know without an iota of doubt that there is an afterlife, if in fact there is one.  Nevertheless -- if there is an afterlife in which our beloveds still exist and where we will be with them again, I do think that with the benefit of having left this limiting physical life, they can and do "see" more, and more truly, and that your partner forgives you for any wrongs or perceived wrongs against her. I think that she must know that the love you two share is the most important thing.

If you are able to move to a place that is better for you, it seems that would be a good thing. I hope you are able to improve your life in some ways, like moving and maybe meeting some new friends, if that is what you would like.

I totally understand being an artist but being unable to paint. I am a poet, and I find myself not only unable to write, but not giving a damn about it. Like you, I am severely depressed; I have to work or else I would lose my apt., but it's hard getting out of bed, and on days when I don't work I rarely leave the house -- there would be no point to doing so, as there is no point to anything else. In the couple of months immediately following my husband's death I did write some poems about him and about us and about his death, and I knew when I wrote them that I needed to write them then or not at all. I've written nothing since, and I doubt I ever will (and writing is not just therapy or a hobby for me -- I am a published poet, I have my MFA in Writing, etc.; it has always been a part of my life).  Don't worry right now about not being able to paint; it may come back to you or it may not, but I understand how it's not working right now.

Thankyou so much for your replies.

It really helped me this morning when I saw that someone had responded to my posts. Thankyou for sharing part of your stories and I am deeply sorry about your losses.

I talk to god allot and in the past 6 months I have made a profound moral inventory of my life in the wake of Carol Ann's death. I believe I have cleared everything with the god of my own understanding and I am happy about that. Its like a new beginning in some way.

However I find the idea very difficult to grasp that Carol Ann is alive in spirit in any way shape of form. For me I had an experience some 8 years ago where I tried to suicide. Carol Ann found me by accident half or three quarters dead.

My experience of the event was that I came so close to death I experienced death and my feeling was of utterly nothing.

Everything disappeared. I have no memory of weeks after the event .It was as if a million years could pass and one would not know.

I use to have a faith in a afterlife but at the moment I can only sense she has gone and will never come back.

Maybe if there is a god , I hope there is ,god will remember us all and maybe reunite us some how in some way with the ones we loved and cherished so so dearly.

Bluebird I hope you can write again some time. Sometime when your feeling better or have more energy to cope.

I understand how difficult it can be to leave the house ,I am like that at present .Yesterday I spent all day on the floor talking to god mostly and staring at a grey wall as the shadows slowly passed as the day went on into night.

I seem to have lost most of my self confidence . I use to be a very social person but now I can hardly face someone in a shop . I can not look at their face directly and I am talking very softly.

I am looking after my basic needs and eating and keeping washed and groomed. Its difficult to even do that but I do try .

I have fallen apart completely over this incident so profoundly.

I would like to talk more on this site about it all as I really need help with this.

People have died in my life before but nothing at all like this.

Zell thankyou for your words of inspiration.

It means allot to me to know that someone is listening and would take the time and love to respond to my post.

I feel I can not express myself this morning very well .I think I am overwhelmed again.

Thankyou lis

I think it is good for you that at least you have faith in some kind of god -- I do not, and I think that makes it worse, because I don't know if there's an afterlife where my beloved still exists, and I don't believe in a loving god that gives a damn about us (humanity).

But I guess you aren't sure if there's an afterlife either. I wouldn't base your belief or lack thereof on your attempted suicide and what happened to you, though -- that's a traumatic event, and if you have no memory of weeks after the event then you were very likely in shock. What I'm saying is that it's possible there's no afterlife, but it's also possible that there is but you just didn't experience it because you weren't actually dead ("close" isn't the same), and/or because you were in shock.

If there is a god, s/he had damn well better let us be reunited with our loved ones. If not, then s/he is not god, s/he is just a tyrant.

I understand not leaving the house, and losing self-confidence, and not taking care of yourself. I don't even try, what's the point? If you are able to keep up with some of that stuff, though, then it's probably better for you.

Anyway, feel free to post here anytime. I hope it gets better for you.

Thanks for your thoughtful reply. Your right maybe i was not dead .I dont know to be very honest i dont know if there is a god and my faith is not too strong especially when i see what goes on in this world and the suffering that continues on a daily basis .There is not much evidance for a loving god really .Its times when I feel like this i just kinda shrug my sholders a kind of disbeleif that my life has become in such a state as it is at the moment.
I have become like a lost person in a rural town in australia ,just transiting to a hopefully better place to live. I have a plan but its going to take application and allot of thinking out to get me out of this dreadful situation i find myself in today.
Yeah im utterly unsure if there is any god at all.I guess i just live in hope of a kind that something is there greater than myself who may be compassionate. However there is not much evidance.I know this and it makes me feel so alone in it all and with Carol ann gone its left a huge empty space .Makes me cry still.I dont know what else to do.
My doctor started me on some medication but its making me so sick i dont know if i can take it .I am aware that I came very ill because of the depression and i actually came close to suicide the last few weeks. So im scared to take the tablets and scared not to as i have had some improvment in my mood but my tummy is so sick and i have a constant headach and other physical symptoms. Maybe i just have to talk to the doctor .I dont know. i  feel really lost this morning and have to face another day alone.I have not started out in a good way eather.
It makes me cry at times like now when i realize that i am totally alone in the world with no family (except my cousins partner 700 miles away)children or friends or partner.
I would like to have some friends but its proving impossible to meet people in this place as i am in transit.
I wish i was a drug addict or alcoholic at least i could go to aa or something but im not even that . I wonder  if they have "humans anonomious" that might help me.
Yeah i dont know what to do its 7 am and i feel overwelmed again. Although I know i am making slow progress and acheiving the goals on my time table ,this is just not enough for me on a daily basis. Like going through the motions and going to bed at 7 pm because you just can not stand life any more is not enough for me.Its just so empty at the moment.
There is no god ,who am kidding. I continue to talk to god in some distant hope for what reason i know not.
Please post again ,tell me how your doing.
lis

Even though I was agnostic, and had been for years, I used to think that the fact that my husband and I had found each other might be -- for me, at least -- proof of the existence of god. In any case, to me it was the closest thing to proof, the only thing that might indicate the existence of god. But if there is a god, then that bastard separated us, so I have no use for her/him. I just need to be with my husband again, that's all.  Every day I find myself unable to believe that my life is in the sorry state it's in. There is literally nothing in this world that I want, nothing to keep me here. I love my family and they love me, but that's not enough. I'm unsure if there's a god or not too, but I really don't care about that anymore (I did used to).

I do think you will feel a tiny bit better if you can move somewhere that's better for you, and maybe make some friends. Can your cousin and her partner maybe come visit and help you out, help you move, etc.?

Tell your doctor that the medication is making you sick -- s/he should switch you to something else that doesn't. As I said, different meds work (or don't) differently for different people. The doctor should know that this medication is making you sick, and that it's therefore not the right one for you. I'm sure s/he can find a medication for you that helps your mood but doesn't make you feel sick to your stomach.

If you feel the need for a sense of community, maybe there's a local church or something you could join? I don't know how much of a presence they have in Australia, but the Unitarian Universalists are very big on community and helping, they are very LGBT friendly, and you don't even have to believe in god to belong to their congregation.  If you can find a UU church or group in your area, that might be helpful for you.

I understand about life being empty -- mine is, too. I've said to my family, trying to explain how I feel, that even if everything else in my life started going really well, life would still suck. I could win millions in a lottery, solve all my family members' problems, save a group of children from a burning school, and find the cure for cancer, and I would still hate my life because my husband isn't here with me. I don't know if they truly understand or believe me.

 

Thank you for you thoughtful response.

I understand how you feel and what you are saying and how nothing can replace the presence of the one we loved so dearly.

I woke up this morning in a panic that I am totally alone in the world without Carol Ann and cried allot because last night I was thinking about ending my life. I frightened myself in retrospect as I started to plan it out in detail. I do not want to die just yet and I want to live and find some happiness in this world .Ive messed up everything in my life to date and with the time I have left I would like to do something at least functional and that works.

Im having allot of problems at the moment and have had no option but to take an anti depressant medication and unfortunately I have run into side effects from the med. I am going to see my doctor on Monday and we will talk about it .I need medication at the moment because without it I am sliding into a disastrous depression and I am scared of what I might do to myself. I really went down last night and the frightening thing about it was that I was not aware I went so far down until I felt a little better and than I got scared and cried.

Maybe hopefully I will be able to look back on this time in my life and think I grew from it in some way. It has forced me to utterly re-evaluate everything in my entire life and I did not like what I found. I guess thats the start of trying to do something better with the time I have left.

I truly feel abandoned by god at the moment as you do also .I understand that there seems little evidance for a loving caring god .How could life be so cruel with a god that gave a dam about us all.

I try and find little pleasures at the moment for myself ,like my morning cup of coffee. Its about the only thing I enjoy. After that it seems my day is a struggle to keep my head above these emotions which really are very severe bouts of depression and anxiety.

I will try my best today to keep safe and I will take the medication and see what happens. I know it taks time to work but its the side effects that are hurting and disappointing me. Your right maybe I will have to switch to another med. I will have to rely on my doctor for that because I am not a doctor.

Its so quiet in this town at this time of the morning or all day for that matter.

I have written my cousins partner and asked for some more help so thats something.

Other than the above I have to face another day as the sun comes up on what looks to me like some desolate state of mind.

As you can tell im very depressed .Im sorry if my post sounds negative ,i will do my best today to keep groomed and fed and get a little exercise. I want to stay alive .Carol Ann would have wanted that.

I do hope you can find a reason to go on at least for today and get some small pleasure from the day .Even if it is something small like a flower or a cloud or the color of the sky.

I wish i could help you feel better .I wish I could help me feel better but i seem to just fall into a state of utter powerlessness and dispair.

For today i will try my best .I have already had a shower and groomed myself and made ssome breakfast that i will try and eat and i will take the medication and try again.

kind wishes lis

I'm sorry you're feeling so badly and panicky, and I hope that gets better for you.  Finding a medication that works for you without making you sick will probably help with that, as will moving.  If you want to live, then it's good you are doing things that help you to do that -- finding small things to enjoy, planning to move, getting in touch with your cousin and her partner, etc.  If you want to live, but if you continue to feel suicidal, you might want to call a suicide hotline when you're feeling that way -- the people at those hotlines are trained to help.

Regarding god, I simply cannot believe there is a loving god, not when my husband died when he did.  If he had had a heart attack at age 80, or even age 60, it would suck and I would still be in anguish, but it would be slightly better because at least we would have had 20 or 40 years of married life together (not one week!), and at least I would be that much older and presumably that much closer to a natural death myself. If there is a god at all, then I definitely feel abandoned by her/him and betrayed by her/him. I could never trust a "god" who would let my husband die like that and who would leave me here without him.

No need to apologize for your posting sounding negative -- of course it does, because that's how you feel. My posts are the same way. Nothing makes me happy anymore.  Things like a flower or nice weather or whatever only make me feel worse, because my love is not here to share them with me. 

Don't worry about trying to help me feel better -- that isn't possible. I have a wonderful family, and even they can't make me feel better. Only my husband can do that.  You just focus on making yourself feel better.

 

 

Oh honey, I am so sorry for your loss. Despair is ghastly. Rest assured, your post did not sound negative. You are brave for opening up about how you feel. I am glad to hear you have anti-depressants. I have done the same for the last year - looked for the smallest thing to hold onto to keep going. Please take courage...that works. It is literally one step at a time on an uphill journey. You are doing it. It is impossible to say for any of us how long we will suffer before we notice a relief from the immediate pain, but I keep hoping. I am able to function, so perhaps the one-foot-at-a-time thing is working. Do you have anything like music that could provide some background noise? I have sat in my chair with music on and just cried until I could get myself somewhat together again. It was a release and a comfort. Warm wishes to you, Lis. Pleas keep posting. Keep taking that step, even if you can't see the road ahead of you.

Today I am going down very badly. I can not get out of bed very well. I struggled to the computer .I am very scared and having panic attacks at the moment. I could be ok tomorrow but today im totally a mess.

Its scaring so much because im going so far down .I wondering if there is a bottom to this.

I really need help.

Lis, it is ok to totally be a mess. Allow that. Let it all out, but please don't hurt yourself. Concentrate on just breathing for the next moment. Allow yourself to think of nothing but that. When you get to the end of that one, do it again. Do it over and over until you feel more in control. You are absoluteiy right, tomorrow could be much better. So could the next moment once the attack is over. You are exactly like us here. There are depths and there are heights, you are in the beginning phase. This is something you need to ride out. I wish I could say differently, but it's true. You can do it. We are here.
I understand. We are all like that, at least some of the time. Can you phone your cousin?

I will try and do as you suggested and take it one breath at a time. I will try and phone my cousin later in the day. Its a very bad day for me unfortunately. Its not just Carol Ann's death its a number of factors. I think Carol Ann's death is a major part of this though. Plus the fact she was always there when I was in need of help. Now there's no one and I am falling into a very serious anxiety depression. I managed to get out of the apartment to the store to some food and water so I don't dehydrate.im sorry but I am having a very difficult time today. I will see my doctor on Monday and see what she can suggest. In the meantime I just have to keep safe. It is very difficult to get out of bed at the moment the depression and anxiety is that big. Thanks for caring enough to post to me. I will try and ring my cousin ok.

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