My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.

My husband is my soulmate, my love, my heart.  I knew from the moment I met him that we were soulmates, meant to be together (that is not hyperbole -- I really did know).  We were together for nearly 13 years before he died; he died of a sudden, unexpected heart attack, literally one week to the day after our wedding.  His death killed him and destroyed me.


I cannot begin to explain the devastation.  From the second I knew he died I have wanted him to come back, to have our life together that we were meant to have -- and failing that, I want nothing more than to die.  I am agnostic (verging on atheist, since my husband died), so I don't know if there's a god or an afterlife.  I hope there is, and that my husband is there, happy and still himself, and that we will be together again, and I hope I die as soon as possible so that I can be with him.  If there is no such thing as an afterlife, then I still hope I die as soon as possible so that this horrific pain of missing him will be over.


The worst thing about all of this is not knowing if my sweet, wonderful husband's soul still exists, as it should.  The second worst thing is not having him here with me, living our life together.  But after those, there are so many other bad things now -- whatever tenuous faith I may have had in the possibility of a loving god is gone and now if there is a god I hate her/him, any chance we/I had to have children is gone, I can barely relate to my family or spend time with them (though they are wonderful and loving, but it's not enough to make me want to live), I am severely depressed and have absolutely no desire to live. 


People say "It's sad, but you have to move on".  No, I f***ing don't -- and won't, in any way.  The only reason I haven't killed myself yet is because I promised my family that I wouldn't, but there's no way I will choose to live for years -- if god or the universe or whatever doesn't kill me, eventually I will.  For as long as I am forced to live, I will NEVER date anyone else -- I am MARRIED, and my husband's death does not change that.  The very idea of even going on a date with anyone else is sickening to me, and always will be (I'm not condemning anyone else who chooses to date after the death of their spouse or partner, I'm just saying that this is how it is for me).  I have no desire to ever do anything with my life now (I didn't used to be like that, only since my husband died). 


I'm not even sure why I'm typing this here, or what I'm looking for.  I definitely don't want any responses about how god never gives us more than we can bear, or how god is good, or basically anything about god -- if god exists at all, i have no use for her/him.  No offense to those who do have faith of any kind, but it's not for me and I don't want to hear it.

Tags: husband, soulmate

Views: 120044

Reply to This

Replies to This Discussion

Reading your posts, and many who post here, I think you're going to be joyously surprised when you pass over.

"The worst thing about all of this is not knowing if my sweet, wonderful husband's soul still exists, as it should."

IT DOES.  Don't let that go.  Hold onto it with all your might!!!!


Thank you. I hope with everything in my soul that you are right about that, and I wish I shared your faith in that regard.
If you and I have already discussed this, I apologise for repeating myself (my memory is not what it once was, and my short-term memory was never great), but -- WHY do you believe in an afterlife where my husband and I will be reunited? I'm not being snarky or being a smart-ass, I am genuinely asking, because I am desperate.


I believe that every consciousness/spirit/soul is immortal.  I, or no one in our limited dimensional world can prove that right or wrong.  I can't prove my OBE either.  All I can do is share it.  Your original post appears as the first post on each page in this discussion. and the second paragraph expresses your hope for reuniting with your husband.  That's my hope too being reunited with my wife but I'll quote myself from a post above "I won't know "beyond a doubt" until it happens though.".  I just have to keep the faith that it will.  I have nothing to lose because if it doesn't happen, I won't know it.  And yes, at least the pain and suffering will be over.  I know this doesn't answer your question but just want to encourage you and all our fellow sufferers to hold onto that hope for the tiniest bit of comfort it might supply.  Joe  

Exactly If We are wrong we won’t know it, but we do know that we are energy (souls), basic physics says energy cannot be destroyed. Anything is better than existing here in this void!

Thank you, Joe. It does help a little bit.

bluebird I can’t help but hold out hope in reading all these entries from people that some of them made it to the next realm. That is the reason we don’t hear from some anymore, because they passed on with with their loved ones. 

I however am not gone yet and nor have you, but I know like someday there will be an opportunity I might be standing on top of the tall building on a tour or hiking with some people on a very high cliff and in that moment and in that time I’ll take my opportunity, it might be a year from now it might be a week it might be six months. I will keep my pain and longing inside till I find that opportunity then I will fly with my Karl like an eagle in the sky...I have NO doubt there is an afterlife, NO doubt there is God. Till then I will do good and try to earn my way. And keep my Karl close as he is always next to me!! 

That's great that you have no doubt about the existence of an afterlife. I doubt there's a god, but if there is one I'm not convinced it's a loving God, as it allowed my husband to die young(-ish) and one week after our wedding. As a result, I don't trust it not to try to keep me away from my husband if I kill myself. Do you not have that worry?

If you focus on the light and the good, that’s is God! I have felt it, I don’t know anything about plans or why people get taken before others but I do know that wherever that next realm  is I’m ready to go I am not afraid to leave this world not even a little bit!

Maybe open yourself up, try to ride that love and passion I see in you. You loved your husband so deeply, focus on that. Maybe we are still here because we need to evolve a bit more or do something that God wants us to do.

looking back I feel you are angel who have helped so many of us broken people not feel like we are are crazy or too messed to be honest. You have posted words of truth and that gave people like me so much hope. I felt like I was no longer alone in my dark thoughts of pain and grief.

I dare say you have been a tool of God all along, leading the hopeless and broken without even knowing it. You helped me live one more day, each day. 

you are and didn’t even know a child of God who helped many! That might have been your purpose all along. 


Latest Activity

Profile IconDoug Roberts and Anna Chris joined Online Grief Support - A Social Community
Anna Chris replied to Frank's discussion Life after multiple, consecutive losses
" Hello I would like to share with Everybody that I have been experiencing an Absolute True Miracle for the last 8 months.  With that most incredible Miracle comes a moral obligation to Share it with people and to Help people. To tell them…"
Pamela philipp posted a discussion

No changes

It will be five years this year since I lost my husband and my mother a week apart from each other and everything feels still like it was yesterday there has been no easing of pain seems like the days go by and I feel no different so many people have told me time will ease the pain it doesn’t I still cry myself to sleep every night I struggle just to get through a day the only thing that keeps me here is my grandchildren and my children otherwise I would’ve left this world a long time ago The…See More
Joel and dream moon JO B are now friends
Wendy joined donna's group

Losing SomeoneTo Murder

For people who have lost a loved one to murder.
Wendy joined Amy's group

You're too young to be a widow

I never thought that I would be a widow in my forties.  My friends can't relate and feel the need to comment on everything, even if they have no experience with grief.  I know they mean well but only we know what we are going though.See More
Wendy joined Kate's group

Homicide Survivors Group

I'm starting this group in hopes that people who come to oninegriefsupport in the U.S.  can share in their experiences and grief for homicide related deaths. There are tons of support grief services for cancer, alzheimers, loss of children, suicide, ..I could go on. But there are not many support groups for homicide related issues. With the growing gun-related deaths, I thought it would be prudent to create this small sub-group here.I know that grief is very unique and it shouldn't be compared…See More
Wendy replied to Nicole's discussion Lost my husband the father of my kids and bestfriend . in the group Lost My Spouse...
"I too lost my husband, the father of my three sons, in June unexpectedly. I would have never imagined being a widow. As it is still relatively new for me as well, I don’t know the answer as to whether it gets easier. I can only hope and pray…"

© 2020   Created by Ninja.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service