My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.

My husband is my soulmate, my love, my heart.  I knew from the moment I met him that we were soulmates, meant to be together (that is not hyperbole -- I really did know).  We were together for nearly 13 years before he died; he died of a sudden, unexpected heart attack, literally one week to the day after our wedding.  His death killed him and destroyed me.


I cannot begin to explain the devastation.  From the second I knew he died I have wanted him to come back, to have our life together that we were meant to have -- and failing that, I want nothing more than to die.  I am agnostic (verging on atheist, since my husband died), so I don't know if there's a god or an afterlife.  I hope there is, and that my husband is there, happy and still himself, and that we will be together again, and I hope I die as soon as possible so that I can be with him.  If there is no such thing as an afterlife, then I still hope I die as soon as possible so that this horrific pain of missing him will be over.


The worst thing about all of this is not knowing if my sweet, wonderful husband's soul still exists, as it should.  The second worst thing is not having him here with me, living our life together.  But after those, there are so many other bad things now -- whatever tenuous faith I may have had in the possibility of a loving god is gone and now if there is a god I hate her/him, any chance we/I had to have children is gone, I can barely relate to my family or spend time with them (though they are wonderful and loving, but it's not enough to make me want to live), I am severely depressed and have absolutely no desire to live. 


People say "It's sad, but you have to move on".  No, I f***ing don't -- and won't, in any way.  The only reason I haven't killed myself yet is because I promised my family that I wouldn't, but there's no way I will choose to live for years -- if god or the universe or whatever doesn't kill me, eventually I will.  For as long as I am forced to live, I will NEVER date anyone else -- I am MARRIED, and my husband's death does not change that.  The very idea of even going on a date with anyone else is sickening to me, and always will be (I'm not condemning anyone else who chooses to date after the death of their spouse or partner, I'm just saying that this is how it is for me).  I have no desire to ever do anything with my life now (I didn't used to be like that, only since my husband died). 


I'm not even sure why I'm typing this here, or what I'm looking for.  I definitely don't want any responses about how god never gives us more than we can bear, or how god is good, or basically anything about god -- if god exists at all, i have no use for her/him.  No offense to those who do have faith of any kind, but it's not for me and I don't want to hear it.

Tags: husband, soulmate

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I don't have many photos of my husband and I...when you're just living your life, I guess you don't think to take many, or at least we didn't. Most of the photos I have of us are from our wedding. I do have some birthday cards, but not many. I'm glad those things, plus your journal, helps you to feel better. 

Blue Bird,

Every night I ask God to take me. My only hope in my nightmare life is to be reunited with my wife. I will never let her go. I talk to her all day long and know that she can't talk back to me. I know that if she could, she would. Am I sure there is an afterlife? In 1982, I was hit by a truck and had an out of body experience. I'm a skeptic by nature, and tried to figure out if maybe it didn't happen but I KNOW IT HAPPENED. It really happened. I described it in a different post on this site.

Is there a God? Looking at our universe and all the unbelievable wonders that are out there, something had to make it. We may very well be part of a multiverse where our consciousness exists after it leaves our bodies. Scientists acknowledge that there are 10 dimensions, but we can only experience 3 plus time. My wife may be in another dimension. Can she see me? I could see when I had my OBE. I know I could move when I had my OBE. Hence, where ever I go, I believe she goes with me. If anyone could see me, they would had seen me diving back into my body. Hence, I can't see her. I believe I visited a different dimension and came back.

Do I believe in Mediums? No. I investigated a few and actually found a very renowned one proven fake. Take a look here too. It's from wikipedia:

As I said, if my wife could contact me she would but apparently I have to go to her dimension to be with her. I won't kill myself for fear that I may not end up in her dimension if I do that. So, all I can do is suffer and love her with all my heart and soul hoping that whoever or whatever our creator is will reunite me with her when I shed my body.

I believe my wife is suffering seeing me suffer, but I always tell her that I'll never give you up and try to take joy in knowing how much I love you and want to give up my very life to be with you. I'll never forsake you. I made these promises to her in the last minutes of her life as she died in my arms. You'll never be replaced. We will be together forever. You won't have to wait long for me. What is long? I don't know for sure but my health tells me it won't be that long.

Believe in a creator and believe that your husband is with you.

Love to you and all,

Hello joe. I understand your doubts about mediums. The first one that I went to was highly reputable (and also highly expensive). He just googled my information and took my $200. I wasn't so angry about the money, I was angry that someone would take advantage of someone who was in such an emotionally desperate situation like that. It's disgusting. And I've heard all about the prize money that was being offered for someone to come through with irrefutable scientific proof of the afterlife. It was never claimed. Funny thing about that, my now deceased fiancé and I were once having a conversation about that very thing. While you are entitled to your skepticism, please do not be so quick to paint them all as either frauds or delusional individuals. 

That was pretty neat to hear about your near-death experience. I've read thousands of accounts of them. Some are absolutely fascinating. I was talking to a friend the other day who had an out of body experience one time. He said it happened totally spontaneously and that he was in absolute shock afterwards as he was completely baffled as to what happened. But basically he and another man were in an argument, and then all of the sudden he said he "flew" out of his body and was up towards the ceiling of the room looking down at himself and the other man verbally arguing. I only had one question for him; I asked him if his body went unconscious when he left it. He said no, that he was looking down at his own body while it was still standing up and arguing with the other man. He said the whole experience lasted only about 10 seconds, and then he went back into his body. But it is stuff like this that shows without a doubt that we are far more than just our physical bodies. In fact, many people who have a near-death experience describe having no emotion or connection to their own physical body when they are outside looking at it from the perspective of their own spirit. Our bodies are just temporary vessels that we need to get through this earthly incarnation.

I also have a dear friend out in Los Angeles who is highly, highly skeptical of psychic mediums. He was actually my fiancé's best friend - and after he died, we became best friends. I think we both needed the emotional support very badly and it was great to be able to talk to someone for hours at end each night about the same person that we were both grieving. He makes fun of me for going to mediums, but it does not sway me. While I can't say that I will ever find the right one, I do indeed have faith that I might.


I don't really believe there is a god, but I often call out to my husband to do whatever he can to bring me to him, if he isn't able to come back to be with me. Like you, all I want is to be with my husband again (and eventually our other loved ones). I worry about the existence of an afterlife in part because while there have been some possible signs from my husband, I can't say that any of them prove to me that an afterlife exists, and I worry that if he did still exist and could communicate with me clearly and definitively he would, so that he hasn't might indicate that there is no afterlife. I hope that's not the case, of course, and it's certainly possible that an afterlife exists but that he (and your wife, and other peoples' spouses and loved ones) just aren't able to communicate with us so clearly and definitively. 

Thank you for sharing about your near-death experience. Would you mind linking to the post in which you went into further detail about it?

As far as whether or not there is a god, I don't agree that "something had to make it". It is quite possible that everything in existence came about due to nature, physics, natural selection, etc. It does seem wondrous sometimes, true, and it is in some ways, but that doesn't mean there is a god/deity/creator. Which is not so say there isn't a god/deity/creator, either -- I just mean that as far as I'm concerned, there's no proof either way. I was agnostic before, for many years, but have moved much closer to atheist since my husband's death.

The multiverse explanation is one possibility. Perhaps that's what heaven/afterlife is, just another dimension. As long as I can be with my husband (and eventually our other loved ones) there, that's fine with  me.

I do believe that there are, at the very least, mediums who believe in what they're doing, mediums who are not scammers. I believe that the medium to whom I went for a reading was/is legit in that way. Sure there are plenty of fakers/scammers as well, but they aren't all like that. The medium with whom I had my reading was Janet Nohavec; you may want to consider looking into her, as she offers both phone readings and in-person readings.

I hope you are able to continue to find some peace, and that you will receive signs from your wife that she exists and is well.


I can relate to you in many ways.  I use to say we are here because of Fate, Physics and Chemical Reaction.  But, what started it all?  Something had to.  Big Bang?  How did it happen?  With what?  Something had to exist to make that happen.  How many Big Bangs could there be that we don't know about.  how many universes are there?  Is the universe so big or are we so small?  Is our creator cognitive?  I wonder about everything, but my experience I don't wonder about.  Here it is in more detail but the link to my original post is:

During the winter of 1982, I do not recall the day, but it was in February, I was hit by a truck while crossing a street taking a coffee break from work. It’s as clear in my mind today as though it happened today. I remember just before the hit thinking “Oh S#!t, I’m dead”. I felt nothing from the hit, but suddenly I was above my body, looking down at myself laying on my left side between two parked cars. I was closer to the car parked in front than the car parked behind. My head was about a foot from the curb facing to the left and a little toward the street, as my body was a little curled up on my left side. The only way I can describe the feeling was that it was a feeling of blissfulness, like I could stay there forever. I looked at the cloudy sky and then back down on myself. I saw a man walking as though he was walking toward me. He was walking on the sidewalk on the side of the car parked in front. I never would had been able to actually see him coming positioned the way I was. Suddenly a thought came to me in a flash. My wife, who was pregnant with our fourth child. I thought to myself “No, I can’t go yet”. What happened next is the most convincing part. I dove into my body. I know I dove back into my body. I could see myself as I got closer and then I was inside and could comprehend what was going on around me. That man I saw walking was there looking down at me. I started to get up and he helped me into the building where I worked. An ambulance came and they took me to the Hospital. My entire left side was bruised to blackness. Shoulder, arm, ribs, hip and leg. They put me through a full body CT and found no broken bones or internal injuries. I didn’t tell anyone there about my experience, afraid they would keep me there as they wanted to have me see a neurologist because of a bump on the back of my head, and I wanted to go home to my wife. I was there many hours after I should had been home. I said I wanted to go home so they let me (a boss drove me home). Besides my family, there is probable less than ten people I’ve ever shared this with. Throughout the years, I’ve tried to poke holes in all of this. I am a skeptic by nature. I question everything. But this I know happened. I now hang on to hope that my wife is where I was but couldn't dive back into her body.

Scientists have many theories and each one gets smaller and smaller.  Trillions of quarks pass through not only our body but the entire planet.  They believe they are there but can't detect them.  Look across your room right now.  What do you see?  The other side of the room.  Imagine your husband is somewhere there but is so small that nothing can detect him.  You can't see or hear him.  However, you're so big and loud, he can see and hear you.  I talk to my wife all day long as though she is there and follows me where ever I go.  Do I know that for sure?  I can only hope so.  We won't know till we're there.  Or, we won't.  I hope it's not the latter.

Hope and try to believe,  



Thank you for your response, and for providing the link to your post about your NDE as well as describing it in more detail here. Although it's terrible that you were in that accident, in a way it was a blessing for you, in that it allows you to believe in an afterlife. I wish I'd had an NDE, maybe then I would find it easier to have faith in an afterlife.

I don't know how or why we are here. I don't believe in a god, so I suppose I think it is all just a matter of what happened, happened (Big Bang, etc. I don't believe that there had to be a god to make that happen, though it is one possibility that there was).

Your description about my husband being across the room but, like a quark, too small to detect, is interesting. I suppose I just feel that if he still exists, I should be able to know that. I feel that he would do everything he could to make that happen, because he knows how much I doubt (when he was alive I was agnostic and he was closer to atheist, so he doubted more than I did, but I've become much closer to atheist since he died, because he died). I am amused by the bit about me being loud, though, because I most certainly am, lol, so no change there.  ;-)

I certainly hope you are right about my husband being with me, being able to hear and see me. I hope the same is true of your wife. In any case, thank you very much for your kind words, and for taking the time to provide them.

Hi bluebird <3....

I want you to think about this in another way. Let's just say that the roles were reversed in you and your husband's situation. Let's say that you had a sudden, unexpected fatal heart attack instead and he didn't. You died. He survived. Now, just for the sake of this conversation, you're going to have to entertain the possibility of spirits and an afterlife. So... your physical body died. Your spirit left your body and you are now invisible and without vocal cords to speak with. Your husband is devastated and desperate to hear from you. Your love for him hasn't changed in the slightest. But now, every single way that humans can communicate with each other are completely gone. What would you do?

I just want you to try and understand that he very well may be doing absolutely everything that he can think of, but to no avail. I just don't want you to think that he is truly gone. Or, at the least, just give some credence to the possibility that he's not. <3 <3 <3

Thank you, Layla.  I definitely do give some credence to the possibility that my husband does still exist; that is what I hope for more than anything else (well, along with him being happy and well, and us being together again). 

It is possible that there is an afterlife and that he is not able to communicate with me. If that is the case, though, and if there is a god which is omnipotent or at least powerful, then to me that demonstrates that god is not a loving being, because if it were then it would ensure that such communication were possible, always. Of course, there may not be a god, or there may be one (or more) without power. But it is also possible that there is no afterlife. I very much hope that is not the case, but I cannot ignore that it is one possibility.

Regardless, thank you for your kind words.

Sorry for your loss 

Thank you, Kyle.



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