My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.

My husband is my soulmate, my love, my heart.  I knew from the moment I met him that we were soulmates, meant to be together (that is not hyperbole -- I really did know).  We were together for nearly 13 years before he died; he died of a sudden, unexpected heart attack, literally one week to the day after our wedding.  His death killed him and destroyed me.


I cannot begin to explain the devastation.  From the second I knew he died I have wanted him to come back, to have our life together that we were meant to have -- and failing that, I want nothing more than to die.  I am agnostic (verging on atheist, since my husband died), so I don't know if there's a god or an afterlife.  I hope there is, and that my husband is there, happy and still himself, and that we will be together again, and I hope I die as soon as possible so that I can be with him.  If there is no such thing as an afterlife, then I still hope I die as soon as possible so that this horrific pain of missing him will be over.


The worst thing about all of this is not knowing if my sweet, wonderful husband's soul still exists, as it should.  The second worst thing is not having him here with me, living our life together.  But after those, there are so many other bad things now -- whatever tenuous faith I may have had in the possibility of a loving god is gone and now if there is a god I hate her/him, any chance we/I had to have children is gone, I can barely relate to my family or spend time with them (though they are wonderful and loving, but it's not enough to make me want to live), I am severely depressed and have absolutely no desire to live. 


People say "It's sad, but you have to move on".  No, I f***ing don't -- and won't, in any way.  The only reason I haven't killed myself yet is because I promised my family that I wouldn't, but there's no way I will choose to live for years -- if god or the universe or whatever doesn't kill me, eventually I will.  For as long as I am forced to live, I will NEVER date anyone else -- I am MARRIED, and my husband's death does not change that.  The very idea of even going on a date with anyone else is sickening to me, and always will be (I'm not condemning anyone else who chooses to date after the death of their spouse or partner, I'm just saying that this is how it is for me).  I have no desire to ever do anything with my life now (I didn't used to be like that, only since my husband died). 


I'm not even sure why I'm typing this here, or what I'm looking for.  I definitely don't want any responses about how god never gives us more than we can bear, or how god is good, or basically anything about god -- if god exists at all, i have no use for her/him.  No offense to those who do have faith of any kind, but it's not for me and I don't want to hear it.

Tags: husband, soulmate

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Thank you for your kind words, Jim.


I don't have many photos of my husband and I...when you're just living your life, I guess you don't think to take many, or at least we didn't. Most of the photos I have of us are from our wedding. I do have some birthday cards, but not many. I'm glad those things, plus your journal, helps you to feel better. 

Hello joe. I understand your doubts about mediums. The first one that I went to was highly reputable (and also highly expensive). He just googled my information and took my $200. I wasn't so angry about the money, I was angry that someone would take advantage of someone who was in such an emotionally desperate situation like that. It's disgusting. And I've heard all about the prize money that was being offered for someone to come through with irrefutable scientific proof of the afterlife. It was never claimed. Funny thing about that, my now deceased fiancé and I were once having a conversation about that very thing. While you are entitled to your skepticism, please do not be so quick to paint them all as either frauds or delusional individuals. 

That was pretty neat to hear about your near-death experience. I've read thousands of accounts of them. Some are absolutely fascinating. I was talking to a friend the other day who had an out of body experience one time. He said it happened totally spontaneously and that he was in absolute shock afterwards as he was completely baffled as to what happened. But basically he and another man were in an argument, and then all of the sudden he said he "flew" out of his body and was up towards the ceiling of the room looking down at himself and the other man verbally arguing. I only had one question for him; I asked him if his body went unconscious when he left it. He said no, that he was looking down at his own body while it was still standing up and arguing with the other man. He said the whole experience lasted only about 10 seconds, and then he went back into his body. But it is stuff like this that shows without a doubt that we are far more than just our physical bodies. In fact, many people who have a near-death experience describe having no emotion or connection to their own physical body when they are outside looking at it from the perspective of their own spirit. Our bodies are just temporary vessels that we need to get through this earthly incarnation.

I also have a dear friend out in Los Angeles who is highly, highly skeptical of psychic mediums. He was actually my fiancé's best friend - and after he died, we became best friends. I think we both needed the emotional support very badly and it was great to be able to talk to someone for hours at end each night about the same person that we were both grieving. He makes fun of me for going to mediums, but it does not sway me. While I can't say that I will ever find the right one, I do indeed have faith that I might.


I don't really believe there is a god, but I often call out to my husband to do whatever he can to bring me to him, if he isn't able to come back to be with me. Like you, all I want is to be with my husband again (and eventually our other loved ones). I worry about the existence of an afterlife in part because while there have been some possible signs from my husband, I can't say that any of them prove to me that an afterlife exists, and I worry that if he did still exist and could communicate with me clearly and definitively he would, so that he hasn't might indicate that there is no afterlife. I hope that's not the case, of course, and it's certainly possible that an afterlife exists but that he (and your wife, and other peoples' spouses and loved ones) just aren't able to communicate with us so clearly and definitively. 

Thank you for sharing about your near-death experience. Would you mind linking to the post in which you went into further detail about it?

As far as whether or not there is a god, I don't agree that "something had to make it". It is quite possible that everything in existence came about due to nature, physics, natural selection, etc. It does seem wondrous sometimes, true, and it is in some ways, but that doesn't mean there is a god/deity/creator. Which is not so say there isn't a god/deity/creator, either -- I just mean that as far as I'm concerned, there's no proof either way. I was agnostic before, for many years, but have moved much closer to atheist since my husband's death.

The multiverse explanation is one possibility. Perhaps that's what heaven/afterlife is, just another dimension. As long as I can be with my husband (and eventually our other loved ones) there, that's fine with  me.

I do believe that there are, at the very least, mediums who believe in what they're doing, mediums who are not scammers. I believe that the medium to whom I went for a reading was/is legit in that way. Sure there are plenty of fakers/scammers as well, but they aren't all like that. The medium with whom I had my reading was Janet Nohavec; you may want to consider looking into her, as she offers both phone readings and in-person readings.

I hope you are able to continue to find some peace, and that you will receive signs from your wife that she exists and is well.


Thank you for your response, and for providing the link to your post about your NDE as well as describing it in more detail here. Although it's terrible that you were in that accident, in a way it was a blessing for you, in that it allows you to believe in an afterlife. I wish I'd had an NDE, maybe then I would find it easier to have faith in an afterlife.

I don't know how or why we are here. I don't believe in a god, so I suppose I think it is all just a matter of what happened, happened (Big Bang, etc. I don't believe that there had to be a god to make that happen, though it is one possibility that there was).

Your description about my husband being across the room but, like a quark, too small to detect, is interesting. I suppose I just feel that if he still exists, I should be able to know that. I feel that he would do everything he could to make that happen, because he knows how much I doubt (when he was alive I was agnostic and he was closer to atheist, so he doubted more than I did, but I've become much closer to atheist since he died, because he died). I am amused by the bit about me being loud, though, because I most certainly am, lol, so no change there.  ;-)

I certainly hope you are right about my husband being with me, being able to hear and see me. I hope the same is true of your wife. In any case, thank you very much for your kind words, and for taking the time to provide them.

Hi bluebird <3....

I want you to think about this in another way. Let's just say that the roles were reversed in you and your husband's situation. Let's say that you had a sudden, unexpected fatal heart attack instead and he didn't. You died. He survived. Now, just for the sake of this conversation, you're going to have to entertain the possibility of spirits and an afterlife. So... your physical body died. Your spirit left your body and you are now invisible and without vocal cords to speak with. Your husband is devastated and desperate to hear from you. Your love for him hasn't changed in the slightest. But now, every single way that humans can communicate with each other are completely gone. What would you do?

I just want you to try and understand that he very well may be doing absolutely everything that he can think of, but to no avail. I just don't want you to think that he is truly gone. Or, at the least, just give some credence to the possibility that he's not. <3 <3 <3

Thank you, Layla.  I definitely do give some credence to the possibility that my husband does still exist; that is what I hope for more than anything else (well, along with him being happy and well, and us being together again). 

It is possible that there is an afterlife and that he is not able to communicate with me. If that is the case, though, and if there is a god which is omnipotent or at least powerful, then to me that demonstrates that god is not a loving being, because if it were then it would ensure that such communication were possible, always. Of course, there may not be a god, or there may be one (or more) without power. But it is also possible that there is no afterlife. I very much hope that is not the case, but I cannot ignore that it is one possibility.

Regardless, thank you for your kind words.

Sorry for your loss 

Thank you, Kyle.

Bluebird, so sorry for you loss,your posts spoke my feelings exactly on grief and pain of living. Can you please let me know how you survived all these years.

Its been just over 2 weeks and each day is an eternity for me
 I hope I don’t last more than a year. Have you found any joy or is still just as painful to be trapped here?

i don’t want to do this..

For me it now has been three years ... three years and four months.

I survived first by distracting myself from it, thrust into work and no time to think, it would only come back at evenings and nights to haunt me ...

I guess what helped me was him ... somehow a part of me felt his spirit staying with me. And over the years the pain subsided slowly ... very slowly. I still get emotional, thinking about what I lost, but I look forward to being with him again when my time comes ... Which may be as early as next year, according to how I interpreted some dreams.

For now, know that you are not alone.

Martee, I am so sorry you are also in this hell. I really have no hopeful words to offer; for me, any meaningful life ended when my husband died. I didn't survive, my body just hasn't died yet. There is no joy in life anymore, for me.
That said, while the pain is still immense (and I believe it always will be, for me), I have found that it is not always as searing, because in many ways I have become numb. I don't feel many things anymore. Some people would say that's a bad thing, and maybe it is, but it helps a little bit. I've found that distractions help a bit, too. I suppose different distractions work for different people. I've always enjoyed thrift shops, yard sales, and flea markets, and I've developed the habit of visiting my local thrift shop twice a week -- it's like therapy for me. I like vintage stuff; I used to have an Etsy shop where I sold vintage items, now I just buy for myself. Video games are also a good distraction for me, and tv. I've been a huge reader all my life, but I find that I can't concentrate anymore, since my husband died. Grief does that to a person; I've heard it called "widow's brain" (similar to "pregnancy brain", I think).
I am agnostic/atheist, but if you have any faith in any sort of god, you may find that your faith helps you, too. Or even just the support of people in your church/temple/mosque/etc.
I hope this helps at least a little bit. You are not alone. ((((hugs))))


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