My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.

My husband is my soulmate, my love, my heart.  I knew from the moment I met him that we were soulmates, meant to be together (that is not hyperbole -- I really did know).  We were together for nearly 13 years before he died; he died of a sudden, unexpected heart attack, literally one week to the day after our wedding.  His death killed him and destroyed me.

 

I cannot begin to explain the devastation.  From the second I knew he died I have wanted him to come back, to have our life together that we were meant to have -- and failing that, I want nothing more than to die.  I am agnostic (verging on atheist, since my husband died), so I don't know if there's a god or an afterlife.  I hope there is, and that my husband is there, happy and still himself, and that we will be together again, and I hope I die as soon as possible so that I can be with him.  If there is no such thing as an afterlife, then I still hope I die as soon as possible so that this horrific pain of missing him will be over.

 

The worst thing about all of this is not knowing if my sweet, wonderful husband's soul still exists, as it should.  The second worst thing is not having him here with me, living our life together.  But after those, there are so many other bad things now -- whatever tenuous faith I may have had in the possibility of a loving god is gone and now if there is a god I hate her/him, any chance we/I had to have children is gone, I can barely relate to my family or spend time with them (though they are wonderful and loving, but it's not enough to make me want to live), I am severely depressed and have absolutely no desire to live. 

 

People say "It's sad, but you have to move on".  No, I f***ing don't -- and won't, in any way.  The only reason I haven't killed myself yet is because I promised my family that I wouldn't, but there's no way I will choose to live for years -- if god or the universe or whatever doesn't kill me, eventually I will.  For as long as I am forced to live, I will NEVER date anyone else -- I am MARRIED, and my husband's death does not change that.  The very idea of even going on a date with anyone else is sickening to me, and always will be (I'm not condemning anyone else who chooses to date after the death of their spouse or partner, I'm just saying that this is how it is for me).  I have no desire to ever do anything with my life now (I didn't used to be like that, only since my husband died). 

 

I'm not even sure why I'm typing this here, or what I'm looking for.  I definitely don't want any responses about how god never gives us more than we can bear, or how god is good, or basically anything about god -- if god exists at all, i have no use for her/him.  No offense to those who do have faith of any kind, but it's not for me and I don't want to hear it.

Tags: husband, soulmate

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nope... i am like you who feel same way... i don't want do anything at all bc he was my life and . like i said my god mom passaway in 2011 to be with hubby who pass in 2010 n i read on forum that in diff one...that her hubby was very very sick he passaway and the wife type saying she couldn't take anymore so she kill herself to be with him n leaving 18 yr old son this was back in 2012/2013...my hubby didnt do any charity things never did not that into like that...we were normal married cpl wanted to start a having a baby.. but he had cancer on chemo/had surgery.then try radiation ..he couldn't do it.. i am no good either finding things.. i was soo happy bc i had him we were soulmate i can't believe how time by so fast..we did everything as a cpl now i don't care about anything else just waiting for my life to be over so i can be with him. He try beat the cancer so we can live longer and have a baby...I just hate when people say oh you so yng in time you will find someone else...I told them stop i don't want no one else i am married to him and will be bruial next to him. I will never want to date or get remarried or nothing like that bc he is my 1st n last he is my hubby he is the one been waiting for all my life. I don't want do nothing else.. only shop,paybills,go to doc, thats about it..my life die when he die my life stop when he pass & i don't want do anything at all.. I get happy when i can be next to him and be with him..I do watch on youtube the g team..and have spirit box n do record the session with my hubby he does come thru. I watch spirit and when we die. and see our spouse.

I understand; I feel much the same way.

It must be me.  I have an online friend who has experienced a major loss in her life, and she is having a hard time.  She has seen some videos recently which show that people who have crossed over in which it is said that they are very happy, and that we should be happy.  

Well, I am glad that they are happy, but that premise doesn't, for some reason, make me feel any better. It doesn't change the awful reality of what has happened, the loneliness, the sadness, the huge void,  the missing her part, the resentment, etc.   And don't they feel at least a little bad about the profound effect that their departure has on our lives?  It's not their fault, of course.

Neither of us wanted this or chose it.

Maybe this is me just being selfish, or I am missing a piece of this puzzle, but I just don't get it. 

Any thoughts?

Iv just said basically the same thing, if they were not happy being apart from us in life how come they are at peace and happy without us now. I can't see it, Shirl hated us being apart as much as I did, even if apart for an hour one of us would be ringing the other, so why would that change. People say to me she is at peAce now and I want to scream she was at peace with me for 36 years, it makes me so mad

As I mentioned before, I have what I call a fake friend who pretends to care about me.  She lost her husband 20 years ago, so you think she'd be a little more familiar with this.  Throughout the late summer and fall we'd meet for dinner, with me always picking up the tab.  She said she'd invite me over, but never did.

In fairness, she did call me twice to see how I was doing.  But I did get a lot of e-mails telling me not to hesitate to call, no matter when, if I needed to.  We all know how that works and how meaningless that offer is.

After an annoyingly sunny, "I hope you have a fun weekend" e-mail from her 3 weeks ago I didn't respond.  She contacted me today and asked how I was doing, and I said I had been very busy.  She then wrote back and said that she was glad that I was doing so much better.

I never said that.  And this is from someone who lost her husband because of cancer.

Some people just don't get it.

I don't get people at all,there were over 70 people at the funeral, all hugging me saying they'd be in touch, promising me invites, telling me anything at all the can do. Since then I can count on one hand literally the people,who have been in touch. Funnily enough it's the most unlikely ones, the people who I thought would be there and really cared have mysteriously disappeared out of my life. Sod them I say.

yep yep...same with shit azz so called sister in law she said after the funeral she said we keep in touch i email her for info n she reply after that nothing i email her saying this is my new email etc etc that was 2 wks ago did again few days ago and no word from her what a bitch she is.. even my family don't understand they move on with their life also..I will never move on with my life I am waiting for my health go extreme bad so i can be bruial next to him.. I stopped talking to my hubby's friends they meant nothing to me anyways never did never will..even when i met my hubby 1st time n he told his friends about me they were all happy this and that and but i didnt give a damn about them bc i only need n wanted my hubby.. I stop contact with my so called family they kept calling me to see how im doing i ignore their calls.. n i hate hate when hubby's sister would call/email/text he try to not talking to her bc he wanted see how he was doing well duh i am his wife no need to be calling i don't care they bro n sis he too didn't like his sister they way she give him half money of the house they grow up with and treating me poorly and block me from fb for no reason bc she didn't know me that well b4 we got married what a witch she is his young sis love me alot always asking me how im doing not the older sister never ask me how i am doing did you guys see suzie the yng one she would only ask if he went to see suzie not the "we" as in me and him...i would correct him when we did see suzie and he would tell her suzie i will see you so and so i would say to him you mean "we" will then he will say "we" will see you so and so.. alot people just move on with their lifes and don't care about person who is depression and sad and extreme grief..I will grief long long time till i died i will never be happy i can't eat or buy stuff for "us" bc its upset me too much for that knowing i did everything for "us" there never gonna be "us" going shopping esp we love ugh events bday.annvis.holidays/vday with yumm sweeties box from my hubby getting for me... a cousin told me oh you know he wants me to be happy and live longer then when you time comes you will be with him..I hate that lines b.s i hate everyone everyone in the world here those who don't understand that griefs who are love their spouse so much consider soulmate that will be lost without him.. whenever I would get something in mails bc i used to be into contest/sweeps n got him into as well whenever we won we would show to each other and show mails to each other now i don't care bc he isn't hearing..I have pay bills/rent...I am eating little as possiable and i don't care about my health really i don't i hope i get sick with flu or infection and not treat and able be with my hubby.

I know I the same, I'm having solicitors letters off her daughter demanding her mipothers non existent jewellery, she never came near us when she was alive, talk about a vulcher, well there isn't anything of value and find there was I wouldn't let her have it,she evil.
If it wasn't for my dog and cat I wouldn't stay in this world, there is no one here now who cares enough and who cared about her. The love we had was unbreakable, I have been with her since I was 16 and I'm 52 now, I have never even looked at anyone else and I never ever will.

Hi bluebird. I remember reading your post and then all of the comments very shortly after my fiancé died. About 2 or 3 months. Now it is going on 3 years. I thought of you, and decided to come back on here to see if you are doing any better? I am not asking if you've "gotten over it" or anything ridiculous like that, but rather if the pain is any less intense?

Hi Layla. I was surprised to see that there was a new post/comment on my thread, as it's been a while since there was one. 

I appreciate you thinking of me. Honestly, though, I am not doing any better. In some ways I'm doing worse. I have been depressed since my husband died, and that has only become more ingrained. I suppose I cry less often these days, but there are still plenty of times when I just burst into ugly crying and wailing, when I'm at home. I do find myself crying at other times/places as well, but I'm able to keep it to just tears in my eyes or occasionally running down my cheeks. The pain is not less intense, it's just spread out over more time. 

I hope things have been getting better for you, insofar as they can.

So sorry to hear. My heart absolutely breaks for you. I know that you've mentioned suicide many times on here, and I just wanted to let you know that I actually did attempt about 10 months after my fiancé died. Life had literally become just a prison sentence for me - as I'm sure you well understand. I took two whole bottle of pills - one was a bottle of klonopins and the other was a bottle of prescription sleeping pills. It should have done the trick, but instead I just woke up the next morning covered in vomiting and hallucinating really bad. I was in a lot of physical pain. That was about 2 years ago. I haven't tried since, and I really hope that you do not take that path. I received an after death communication from my fiancé, so I know that he exists and that he still loves me. And if that is the case for me, then I am absolutely sure that that is the case for your husband as well. Please have no doubts that he still exists, that he still loves you immensely, and that you will, indeed, be together again. Just think of this as a temporary separation and nothing more. Please have faith in that. And please, please, please do not kill yourself. I understand all too well what that is like. Perhaps try going to a medium. And if that one doesn't work, then try another one. There are genuine ones out there, and what I think that you need more than anything is to communicate with your husband. Lots of love. <3

Hello Bluebird. I always remember you and wonder how you are doing since the last time I wrote to you for the first time when I found this blog. It has been a while and I was hoping by this time you were doing better. Please understand that you will be missing him all your life and sometimes you are going to feel a deep pain but you will find times when although you are remembering him you will not cry. My husband passed away 21 years ago, and I never remarried because he was the only one I can ever love. I do not want anyone else. But what I understand now is the he is always beside me even though I cannot see him. I talked to him every night and told him to please give me any sign that he was listening to me. I told him if I was able to see a dove out of nowhere or in a place where was like out of place I will now it was a sign from him. You would not believe it but the moment I opened my facebook page there was a lady wearing a t-shirt with a dove on it. But I was not convinced yet. Then I was looking for some properties and the realtor was also wearing another t-shirt with a dove. Yesterday in the morning I opened the drapes of my bedroom which is on the 8 floor of a high rise condo and there on my balcony was the  most beautiful white dove staring at me. I though she was lost and opened the sliding door but she flew away. That is why I remember you and your post. If you imagine that your husband is with you and since he was energy and the energy cannot be destroyed he is next to you waiting for your time to live this vessel that we call body. You have a mission and before you were born you choose this situation along with your husband before both were born. Perhaps yo need to exist because somebody in your family or a friend or a pet needs you. Your little cat needs you also and I believe all the pets will be also joining us somewhere. Your husband will be in the sound of a musical note and a ray of light that touches your face. In the ocean or in the rain or any form of water. The sound and the light go thru the universe and we are just a mere particle in this universe. The life is short therefore pretty soon before you know 20 years passed. That is why I said to you that is normal to feel sad when you remember your husband but he is happy and he knows that pretty soon you will join him. Could be 20 or 30 years for us but compare to the eternity of time that is nothing. I wish with all my heart that I could put a little bit of peace in your heart to ease your pain. The best medicine is to help as many people and animals as you can and forget about yourself. Everything happens for a reason that we do not know or understand since our brain are not capable of knowing all the mysteries of the existence.

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