My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.

My husband is my soulmate, my love, my heart.  I knew from the moment I met him that we were soulmates, meant to be together (that is not hyperbole -- I really did know).  We were together for nearly 13 years before he died; he died of a sudden, unexpected heart attack, literally one week to the day after our wedding.  His death killed him and destroyed me.

 

I cannot begin to explain the devastation.  From the second I knew he died I have wanted him to come back, to have our life together that we were meant to have -- and failing that, I want nothing more than to die.  I am agnostic (verging on atheist, since my husband died), so I don't know if there's a god or an afterlife.  I hope there is, and that my husband is there, happy and still himself, and that we will be together again, and I hope I die as soon as possible so that I can be with him.  If there is no such thing as an afterlife, then I still hope I die as soon as possible so that this horrific pain of missing him will be over.

 

The worst thing about all of this is not knowing if my sweet, wonderful husband's soul still exists, as it should.  The second worst thing is not having him here with me, living our life together.  But after those, there are so many other bad things now -- whatever tenuous faith I may have had in the possibility of a loving god is gone and now if there is a god I hate her/him, any chance we/I had to have children is gone, I can barely relate to my family or spend time with them (though they are wonderful and loving, but it's not enough to make me want to live), I am severely depressed and have absolutely no desire to live. 

 

People say "It's sad, but you have to move on".  No, I f***ing don't -- and won't, in any way.  The only reason I haven't killed myself yet is because I promised my family that I wouldn't, but there's no way I will choose to live for years -- if god or the universe or whatever doesn't kill me, eventually I will.  For as long as I am forced to live, I will NEVER date anyone else -- I am MARRIED, and my husband's death does not change that.  The very idea of even going on a date with anyone else is sickening to me, and always will be (I'm not condemning anyone else who chooses to date after the death of their spouse or partner, I'm just saying that this is how it is for me).  I have no desire to ever do anything with my life now (I didn't used to be like that, only since my husband died). 

 

I'm not even sure why I'm typing this here, or what I'm looking for.  I definitely don't want any responses about how god never gives us more than we can bear, or how god is good, or basically anything about god -- if god exists at all, i have no use for her/him.  No offense to those who do have faith of any kind, but it's not for me and I don't want to hear it.

Tags: husband, soulmate

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My husband's mother is nothing to me; thankfully my family loves him like their own, so at least he got to experience motherly love via my Mom.

I suppose I should try to get things in order, as you are. Mainly I need to sign a DNR ("Do Not Resuscitate") order, so that if I have a heart attack or the like, medical personnel won't try to save me.  I should probably also write a will, though I have very little to leave anyone -- no money at all, just some personal items, and really those will likely all (or at least 99%) go to my sister and parents, who can do what they like with the stuff.  As for my furniture and other non-sentimental items, they can just give them to people who need them.

If you were married in your hearts, then you were married, as far as I'm concerned. If it would make you feel better, perhaps you could set aside some small portion of his ashes to keep in a locket or a little keepsake box or the like, and then scatter the rest as he wishes.

I understand you feeling some peace at the thought of dying soon.  Whether there is an afterlife in which we will join our soulmates (which of course is what we want), or even if there is nothing at all, either way we will be done with this "life".

I have recordings of my husband's voice, too.  After he died, I found a lovely voicemail from him on my phone, one I do not remember him leaving (I really don't know when he left it, and I don't recall ever having listened to it prior to his death).  Also, he did a podcast with my sister, her husband, and some friends, so there are many podcasts full of his voice; he was also in a band with my sister and her husband for many years, so there are many recordings of his playing (both audio and video), and while I am rarely able to bring myself to listen to or watch any of these things, I am very grateful that they exist, so that I can access them when I do feel I can.

I wish you peace.

i agree. my wife was and is my wife. i doubt i can move on either

It has been more than four years since my husband died, and I am as desolate now as I have been since I knew he had died.  It seems that right now it is hitting me extra hard -- not sure why, maybe because of the holidays, which I now hate.  It seems I hate everything, really....it's a horrible life, going from being loving and generally optimistic to being angry and sad and hateful and completely pessimistic.  There really is no reason for me to be here, other than so that my family aren't further hurt by my death, and because our cat needs me, but as far as how it is for me, there is no longer any reason for my life.

It will never be "real" to me, that my beloved husband died.  It's as if existence for me stopped on that day, and everything since is false. That is truly how I feel. None of this is real. None of it matters. And I am so goddamned ANGRY; if there is a god then I want to literally and metaphorically punch it in its fucking face for doing this to us, or allowing it to happen.  It sucks not being able to actually direct my anger towards the being that allowed this, if in fact any such being exists.  I am glad my husband didn't die due to being run over by a drunk driver, for example, but if he had then at least I could hate that person, but as it is I am stuck hating a likely-nonexistent mythical being, and that is unbelievably frustrating.  And then, at this time of year, everyone else wants to celebrate that being, which just makes it worse, especially on top of all the "happy families" stuff going on this time of year, when all I want to do is to literally curl up into a ball and quietly die.

It will be four years for me in January and like you Bluebird I hate life.  I do what I have to do because I am breathing but there is nothing that makes me think life is some great gift. I cry and plead with the universe to just take me.  Oh sure, I have gotten better at functioning.  I can actually get out of a bed and take a shower without collapsing in a heap on the floor on my way there.  I can get to the supermarket and buy food and then attempt to cook something so I can eat.  But I don't do any of it because I want to.  

And crawling up into a ball and not going anywhere is the ultimate goal I have in life now.    I want to become a hermit.  A recluse.  That way I wont have to pretend how I feel. I'm through with living.  It's so meaningless without my love.  Dying would be a relief.  

Amen, morgan.

I lost the love of my life to breast cancer 6 months ago today.  I miss her desperately.  Some days I find myself crying so hard that I can hardly breathe.  I am contacting mediums, doing research, and everything else I can do to try and keep our connection.

I have a friend at work.  She and her husband own 39 apartments.  They're doing well.  She was recently demoted and is upset.  Today she asked me how I was doing, and I told her that I was having a very rough time, and why.

She then said that she is going through the same thing.   Puzzled, I was like, um, what, huh???  She said, "yeah, my job, you know."  I guess I don't know.

I was speechless...

Sorry.  People really try to help but they have no clue!  Work?  Harsh.  Today is my anniversary.  Would have been 24 years married and 27 years together.  I am still pretty dead inside after 1.5 years.  I know it will hurt for the rest of my life but I know I have to keep busy and do things to make me happy.   Good music, two fur babies at home.  They sure help to make me laugh and they love to snuggle!  Holidays are so hard.  I understand.  

I am really sorry to see what you're dealing with.  My friend's response was shocking.  But it helps to remember that people who have never gone through this stuff can't have any idea what it's like.  But still, some of the comments are unbelievable.  Comparing a demotion to this kind of loss...

I know.  I think they try to understand.  I never knew the devastation of losing a spouse. My Mom just passed away 4 months before my husband was told he had 3 months to live.  I took care of her.  She had dementia.  Sounds like a soap opera!  Anyway, I am very sorry for your loss also.  A friend/family member passing is not even close to what you go through when your best friend/spouse passes.  I have actually felt like I live on another planet and I am waiting to wake up from watching this sci-fi movie that I am in!

Bluebird
I pretty much feel the way you do. Its been two months and im lost. Im wondering though if my grief has morphed into chronic depression and if i should go on a bigger dose of the antidepressant ive been on for years (i have a history though had not felt depressed for several years until she died. Anyone have thoughts on that? Im barely functioning. My job was taking care of my wife so i have little to do now. Also no family close by.

Michael, I too suffer with depression, have all my life. Been on and then off antidepressants. Had been doing really well until Rocky died. It's taken a couple of increases in the Wellbutrin I take. I now just feel...I don't know, blank. I can think of him and get to crying, but when I'm busy doing other things I just feel a robot. There is no joy. No anticipation of anything joyful. Nothing to look forward to for the remainder of my life.

For you it's been only a couple of months so you are in the thick of shock and depression. Maybe you do need to get a boost of more antidepressant. What does your Dr say?

I keep busy (Rocky was my only friend and took up a lot of my time) with an online class.  I have my pets. My dog has cancer now. And one of my little parrots died last night. I've just about had it with sickness this year. I work still too. That takes up a lot of time. So basically I fill my days with stuff. And pets. And then I go to bed and hope for dreams of Rocky (which I've only had one) and am ok until I wake up the next day.

I don't know if you are religious or spiritual.  I pray a lot. I asked for  things like a 30 minute break, right now, of any sadness.  I need to do that often. It actually works. My religion tells me that I will see Rocky again after I die. I hope that is true. But Im not sure I believe it completely. Seems like if I did, I wouldn't feel like this.

Michael,

I have always had a panic/anxiety disorder, though I have never really been prone to depression (except for when our female cat died).  I know that I am severely depressed, and always will be, and I don't think that's uncommon for people in our sort of situation, so I wouldn't be surprised if your grief has morphed into chronic depression.  It might be worth talking to your doctor about.

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