My Ex had passed of an overdose, and I'm just finding out

Thank you for taking the time to read.
My name is Danielle and at 22 years old I had thought I met the man of my dreams. Sure he had a past run in with drugs but he was going through a divorce, had a daughter and I excepted him for the person he was.
Long story short, things did not work out as I had hoped. I was in a cycle of a mentaly abusive relationship, he would tell me what he wanted me to be, dress like, look like and ended up cheating on me. The pattern went on for years of coming and going.
When I had finally had enough he came back wanting to do better, "Treat" me better this time. This man named Rick was 10 years older then me and I was always wanting to please him and in the same breath I thought I could be the one to act like they did not care.. it is not that easy to act like you don't care about someone after these mental games.
I wanted Rick to feel the way I did..and yet no matter what I always came back. We had many different memories, good and bad..I will say more bad then good. I had never felt good enough for him, even though it came to be he had low self esteem and wanted to bring me down.
In my heart, I think the idea of this man and his potential and seeing the good days of how he treated me I held on to "One Day" we would have our fairytale.
I would check in once or twice a year on him regardless of relationship status.. this time around last August he asked me if I wanted to catch up and I met him at his new home.
It was like seeing someone I knew and loved on a different path then I had imagined.
Rick had lost his home, most of all his things, and was just trying to get by. Rick was staying in a in-law apartment from this woman he knew and looked frail and smelt of cigarettes and vape.
We talked and talked and I realized wow...I love him but I just don't have that In love with him status for this man that had done so much to me. I stayed over that night in sweats and we woke up holding hands. I knew the feeling I had for him was no longer there, but the love was there. I gave him hug and kiss on the cheek goodbye.
Months later he had texted me as I was moving in with my significant other at this time..he became rude because I was not accepting his advances. I cannot recall what he had said and what I said back but I know I had defended myself and aimed to hurt his feelings.
I blocked Rick and this was the last time we had spoke in February.
Rick had passed of an overdose May 2017, and I just found out as of Friday last week.
I am in shock and I feel ashamed for the the last time we spoke and I have so much hurt of why I was not good enough or what I could had done in this relationship/friendship. I find myself crying daily and thinking my wrongs...Please tell me this hurt will go away and how do I find the strength to not be so hard on myself... Please

Tags: Ex, Hurt, Overdose

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One major thing I learned over all these years is that the heart has a mind of its own. You can't just tell your heart what to do. It doesn't work. But Time works wonderfully. :)  You two never bonded and became a single unit of love and goodness so his hold on you is drifting away, I promise. With respect, AnneJ.

It sounds as though you did love him, and maybe he loved you in his way, but he did not treat you as a loving partner should, and in my opinion you did the right thing by protecting yourself and not staying with him. I think you should view that last night you spent together as your real goodbye, and not beat yourself up over whatever  you said during your last text conversation. If there really is an afterlife, then I think he must understand from his new perspective that after all the difficulties in your relationship, you had to do what was right for you. 

Also, you might want to consider therapy, both to help yourself through your grieving and also to help figure out why you keep ending up in abusive relationships and how to stop that pattern.

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