Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by morgan on February 23, 2017 at 3:10pm

I'm thinking that Annette is sending you messages loud and clear Richard.  Are you listening? The "chances" of that one Uber driver having that kind of experience and in that space and time relating it to you.  Coincidence? I think not.

Permalink Reply by Richard Rivera on February 24, 2017 at 12:50pm

I can't help but think the same thing, that it's no coincidence. my only problem is that I'm still separated from Annette and it's just killing me inside. I still scream at night. The nightmares just keep coming and it's like a bulldozer. I can't seem to keep my head screwed on straight. I still blame myself for her death. I I can't close my eyes without seeing her blue lips. if I had paid more attention to ship you l if I had paid more attention to her she'd be alive right now.

I keep seeing in my dreams of swimming face is swollen eyes refusal go to the hospital which I should've forced her to do. I was the husband it was my responsibility take care of her.

I live with that punishment every single second of every day.

I scream into the night begging her so forgive me. I won't be able to rest Until I'm with her.

With no children no job just existing waiting for my time until I reunited with her. that's all I have left. And I'm scared as hell to think that I'll have to wait for decades maybe, for my day when I die from disease or old age.

Please forgive me my love. I'm so sorry. I should've paid more attention. I should've been the one to force you to get help quickly that very night and I didn't.

Permalink Reply by morgan on February 24, 2017 at 5:28pm

Richard, I understand your feelings.  If only we could have had more time with our loved ones.   If only something had been different.  It doesn't seem to matter if they died in front of us or in a horrible accident.  Bottom line is the pain stems from wanting to have had more "time".  More time to do whatever.

Now time is spent without their love.  But there was nothing we did wrong.  We gave them love.  We can't measure what form or actions we took to express that love.  It sounds to me that Annettte's physical health was compromised.  My own husbands health was also compromised.  I know it was part of the reason why he died.  Did I do enough to help him?  I tried.  So did you.  Did he do enough to help himself?  He tried. So did Annette.   Did we have enough money to do any different?  No, but I wonder at times whether that would have done more to save him.  So many complications when I look at his death.  

What you have to do now is try to manage your affairs to honor Annette so she doesn't see you out on the streets.  At least that is the way I have had to look upon my own life now.  My husband would not want me to be as lonely and devastated as I am but he would also not want me to be without some means to keep afloat while he arranges my departure.  If he was alive he would be struggling right alongside of me making sure that I don't end up in worse shape than when he had to take his leave.  But maybe he is living right next to me in a dimension that I cant use my five senses to communicate with.  Whose to say there aren't 10 other ways we communicate.  I certainly "feel" him in my heart all the time. Isn't that a way to communicate?  

Try to spend some time working on what it would take to make your mind more occupied with other thoughts.  If you are not working at a job right now then try to do things that reduce your weight so it might be easier to get around.  It seems from what you say that is liability.  If you do happen to be stuck here for awhile what would Annette ask you to do while you wait?  

Trust me when I say, I hate every moment of living and yet I know my husband would want the least amount of suffering for me so I am trying to do some things ever so slowly that will help me distract from the weeping and the worst of times.  And yes, it all still haunts me daily but he sends me small things periodically that seem like he is just an arms length away.  Not often enough and sometimes I scratch my head and wonder but I see things in numbers and visual signals or a phone call or message from someone that I feel are loaded with his signature love.  

Look for them but in the meantime try to distract yourself.  It is one of the ways you will get though the hours.  Not easy but remember, they do not want us to suffer.  

Permalink Reply by Richard Rivera on February 24, 2017 at 6:52pm

Well said thank you for the advice. But guilt is the hardest thing to let go. I can't seem to shake it. I still think over and over I could've done more, should've done more. right now I'm actually going to hopefully get help with the rent. Even though I'm able to pay with it with my unemployment which came through. I was told to get a signed letter from the landlord. so Monday I'm going to go ahead and keep myself busy and have him sign the letter agreeing not to evict me as long as he gets his money, which is all that's needed for me to qualify to get rental assistance.

Since I'm not remarrying, I plan to basically just take each day, pray that I can get through the day.

Permalink Reply by Richard Rivera on February 25, 2017 at 1:20pm

I've made a decision that with the profound loss of Annette I am better off being a recluse.

There's no other way for me to live. I know now that I can't function as a widower. The choice I'm making is the only way I can just get through the day with as little human interaction as possible. Today I'm outside the house eating by myself. Answerable to no one but my own self. In this case misery doesn't enjoy company.

Permalink Reply by Richard Rivera on February 25, 2017 at 3:04pm

So far I'm learning that:
The world stops for no one.
No matter what the tragedy.
The past bewilders us.
The present confounds us.
The future frightens us.

I know the no but I saw her swollen face I should've down 911 but I didn't her swelling went down but she was talking it was after that that she died in bed no more than 7 feet away for me I didn't hear her cry out her no but I saw her swollen face I should've dealt 911 but I didn't her swelling went down but she was talking it was after that that she died in bed no more than 7 feet away for me I didn't hear her cry out. It was the sound of a choke that granbed my attention and that's when I went into the bedroom and asked if she was all right. but she didn't answer. I turned her on her back and saw her blue lips.

I Should've called 911 the moment I saw her sit up and saw her face was swollen. I should've done something-anything that night. It plays over and over in my head, nonstop. like some sort of torture that doesn't subside. it just goes on and on.

When will it end? when will I find peace? I can't just keep living this torture. I loved my wife. I talk to her every night and I beg her to forgive me for my mistake. until she forgives me, I will suffer the rest of my life.

Permalink Reply by bluebird on February 25, 2017 at 3:09pm

Richard,

I don't know if there is an afterlife in which our dead spouses still exist -- but if there is, then I very much doubt that your Annette blames you for anything. If there is an afterlife, then it seems to me that those who are there are able to see more deeply and more broadly than can those of us stuck here, and therefore she knows how much you love her and how much you wish she were with you and how sorry and sad you are about what happened to her. From what you've said about the state of her health, I doubt that any other course of action on your part would have changed the outcome, but either way, I really don't think she would ever blame you, because if there is an afterlife where she is waiting for you, then she knows how you feel and how you love her.

Permalink Reply by Richard Rivera on February 25, 2017 at 4:27pm

Dear Blue Bird:
Regarding the afterlife... in my previous entry yesterday I went and took an Uber cab ride yesterday and the driver was a hospital radiation technician who had suffered a cardiac arrest on the operating table when he was being operated on for a blood clot. He told me He saw his body being worked on by doctors who were trying to revive him. he said he didn't go towards the light because he never got the chance because he was revived so quickly. His heart had stopped, period. he told me that he no longer fears death and the experience had changed his life in a profound way for the better.

he wasn't in a believer in the afterlife until this life affirming event.

Just thought I'd mention it.

Rich

Permalink Reply by bluebird on February 25, 2017 at 5:41pm

Thank you for sharing that story. I hope our souls do exist independently of our bodies; I hope that there is an afterlife where we will be with our soulmates again.  I have no faith.

Permalink Reply by Richard Rivera on February 25, 2017 at 9:11pm

It's a Saturday night and it is completely silent. no traffic , no noise, just total silence. I'm sitting in a dark room -- the bedroom on the edge of the bed crying, begging for forgiveness and I'm completely alone once again. it doesn't stop.

I'm calling out to Annette,, begging her, pleading to please tell me that you love me and that you forgive me and that will be together forever.

I scream and shout in the darkness. my body is once again deteriorating. I cannot longer swallow food normally. It gets trapped in my lower right side of my chest area where the air gets cut off. finally the food goes down and I can feel the food pass through my chest and then to my stomach. Then I can breath normally.

this used to scare me but not anymore. I am more terrified of waking up in the day to face the loneliness and guilt. I'm scared that I will live until my 90s despite all my physical deterioration .

Permalink Reply by Richard Rivera on February 26, 2017 at 8:30pm

It's a Sunday night. I'm sitting alone in the dark. I can't sleep. I have to take some sleeping pills to the get some rest.

Tomorrow I go to the landlord to have her sign hopefully a piece of paper that says she will not take me to court so long as I'm getting assistance for the rent I'm also bringing with me a check with the balance to pay off the month of January and therefore I will only owe February and March rent which I hope I will qualify to have paid for by social services.

I seem to be getting sicker each day. stomach problems, breathing problems, incredible pain in various parts of my body for some serious reason. but it's the obesity that seems to be the problem as well. I can feel slowly the life force draining out of me for every little movement I make. I grow weaker and weaker.

I have tremors inside my body. vibrations in my lungs. muscles in my chest flicker on and off and on even when I'm asleep. It wakes me up at night. I find myself out of breath. And the sensation of having been choked.

When I try to walk down a few steps out of the building I couldn't do it. I was too damn weak. I had to climb back and sit up and then I nearly passed out from exhaustion despite not having even barely moved.

I'm going to try to go back to sleep now maybe. Maybe tonight Annette will caress me to sleep.

Please honey, take care of me tonight. Im slowly dying from grief. I don't want to be alone when my time comes. The pain is beyond words. If you ever loved me, please be here with me my little honey bunny.

Permalink Reply by Richard Rivera on March 1, 2017 at 5:32pm

I just had what I think is a nervous breakdown. I collapsed on the floor unconscious. I woke up about an hour after. It's a miracle I didn't crack my skull. I can't stop thinking about Annette. it's like a car speeding with no brakes.

I screamed until my lungs started to hurt. again I begged her to come into the night and take with her. I am alone. I can't believe I am alone. all by myself in this apartment with no friends, no family, no job. i've only lasted this long because I was lucky to get my unemployment. if I hadn't, I would be out on the street.

I'm laying in bed right now in the dark, waiting, hoping that every night I sleep is my last night on this earth. I know I will not survive without my wife and I know that when my unemployment runs out, I truly will be back to where I started. but again, who said life was not cruel?

A few years back, Annette and I went to the heart specialist. he warned me that I have to have my heart checked. that because of my weight it would give out. Heart failure he said. now I see what he meant. The weaknesses is already taking over. my breathing is more shallow.

Today, I tried to go outside again. I sat down on the stoop. when I tried to get up, I literally had to crawl on all fours just to grab and hold onto the railing. so i could get my body straightened up. that's what's waiting for me. that's my future. that's my new life and I hate every second of it.

In two weeks I have to go to unemployment for career orientation to help me look for work. they don't realize my physical condition almost makes me useless. I just hope I don't run into any trouble.

I'm going to try to sleep tonight and pray that I don't scream .

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