i recently lost my beloved mother to cancer. she passed away may 27th 2011. i will never forget that day, and it continually plays over in my head. i was there the moment she passed and i felt her in the room with him. i told her she was free and she could go fly with the birds.

 

every day i miss her so much. i wish so badly i could give her a hug and tell her that i love her. i can't believe she is gone forever. i am only 25 years old; i live with my father and my brother. it is so hard and i also feel so sad for my father. they are both only 60 years old. i can't imagine what it will be like for him to live the rest of his life without his best friend.

 

i guess im just talking out loud here... i have never dealt with death. i used to some times think of my parents dying and how devastated i would be. i never thought it would happen so soon.. it was so unexpected.

 

i also regret that i wasn't there in the hospital with her more. she was going for treatment and we were under the impression she would be getting better, and it all took a turn for the worse one night. she died the next morning. i just wish i could have been there more for her and i keep going over the scenario in my head.

 

i guess i just need to talk to some one. its hard for me to talk to the people around me about this at this point.

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Robin; i don't think its weird at all that you wear your mother's sweater. i too have a cashmere sweater that was my mother's and i can still smell her perfume in it and i would not dream of washing it at this point! i still have a few drops of her favorite perfume which i like to sniff as it reminds me of her =)

 

Resee; my father was very upset that my mother was so doped up with morphine in her final days. she did not talk to us, although my brother asked her if she could look at him and she managed to open her eyes just a little crack and he knew that she heard him. my father also said he asked her if she was hot at one point (she was sweating buckets from the morphine) and he asked her to squeeze his hand and she did.

 

thank you all so much for commenting on my post. there are so many kind people on this site=)

Resee-

I can't even imagine enduring what you are going through and mourning your ma at the same time.  I am proud that you are standing your ground.  It takes quite a really strong person to keep moving forward.  Keep us posted.

 

Robin

 

 

OMG...I am so sorry for everything you are experiencing. My mother and my world died 6 days ago. My sisters have been cold and cruel to me. I am trying to wrap my brain around it. I need all the help I can get to survive the next day.
I am one of those who cannot see how people just go on..plan a "celebration"..I am grieving and not ready to celebrate anything. I have no family support. Great friends I do have. I miss my momma with every ounce of my soul. I loved her so deeply. She was and is my everything. I feel so alone.
you have support from us mercy, I am hoping that you are finding peace.... :)  its very difficult
Thanks Rachel. I was worrying about you cuz you've not been here for several days. I have some good days and bad days. I know this journey will be a very long and hard one but having friends like you makes a huge difference. Hugs to you.
your sweet mercy, and no i havent been on, i havent been well....ive been on alot today....your a sweetheart, im glad we have become friends, and i will try to help you in any way i can....we all  have good and bad days, thats normal, just remember at least you DO have good days, ok?  i will talk to you soon
I'm sorry that you've not been well. I think we should really watch out since grief can actually make us sick. When mom was in her final stages, I was so stressed and was having severe chest pains. I notice the pain when I'm stressed these days. I want to talk to my doctor about it but DREAD hospitals and doctor offices since mom spend so much of the last year in hospital. I also need sleep and mood medication and I'm hoping my doctor will not ask me to go in and can prescribe them over the phone. I'm doing a little better today, but some things have been triggering my grief. I now have a thing about calendars; I have moved both calendars from our bedroom since I hate to look at the Month of May and remember the pain mom went through. I hate June since my brother died June of last year. Do you work? I find that working and taking care of my 18 month old are good ways to distract myself. Have a good day my dear.

Mercy-

 

OMG- I really understand about being sick and the chest pains (sorry if we have talked about this before but they are all consuming for me).  I was almost hospitalized w/ 5 infections in December, I keep getting upper respiratory infections and I have had daily chest pains since December.  My doctor tried to put me on an anti-depressant and anxiety meds but they made me feel worse so I am trying to tough it out w/out them.  It is even worse for me because my moma passed unexpectedly from a massive heart attack so I feel like I am going to have one too.  It's awful!!!!  May I ask you a personal question that you don't have to answer?  Are you a little preoccupied w/ yourself dying?  I am and I don't think it is helping me w/ the chest pains.  Any suggestions?  I totally understand about the calender....the 26th of every month is awful for me and next month will be the 1 year anniversary which I am so not ready for......Thank you for letting me vent.  I feel sorry for my husband when I dump all of this on him.  I hope you have a blessed night.  Thanks again.

No problem Robin you can vent as much as you like and I will not judge you. sorry I've not been able to respond any sooner. I was so busy the last few days.

The chest pains are letting up a little. Theres a day I almost got rushed to the E.R cuz I thought I was dying. I also have severe indegestion and I feel like food is just sitting in my stomach for days. I do think about dying all the time. I keep thinking; what is the easiest way to get out of this pain? I've even thought of the S word. I cannot tell you how many times I've wondered if there is a sure way of killing myself that will be 100% fail proof? I just want to be with mom, thats all I think about. I talk to her daily but she cannot talk back and that hurts so bad. Anyway; this is a good place for us to share and vent; its good to know we have this place. bless you dear.

Hey Mercy-

 

I'm glad to hear your chest pains are letting up a little bit.  It sounds like we are having a lot of the same physical problems (ie chest pains & bad indigestion).  It sucks.  I only think about myself dying when I am having the chest pains.  I am so fearful of just having a heart attack like my mom.  My brother told me that I need to get it together- that my moma would kick my butt for my health & how I've been feeling.  Easier said than done but I am trying.  I'm so sorry that you've thought about "S".  That must be so scary.  I understand about just wanting to be w/ your mom. I just want it go get easier.  I've read what feels like a million books that say it just takes time.  That's easy to say but hard when you're in the storm.  Thank you for your response.  I always look forward to it.  I feel a stronger bond now a days w/ people that can understand my pain.  I hope you have a blessed night.

I lost my mother 6 days ago. I am completely solo now. My sisters  are just fractured and lost and have gone in dirrent directions for their own reasons. My husband left me for a younger woman 2 years ago. I have chosen not to bring another man into my heart. My mom was the my everything.

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