Don't grieve alone; 14,000 members and growing
I don't even know what I want to say. I just feel the need to type and talk. I am in such mental anguish/despair/imprisonment right now I really think I'm losing my mind. What is making this much worse is I'm at work right now. My usually mean boss is on vacation for 2 weeks, I don't have any work today, today is very mellow and light, it's Friday, holidays are coming--and I can't even enjoy it. If everything was right with my world I would be enjoying the hell out of today, and looking forward to the weekend, but I can think of nothing else but my sister. My mind won't rest.
I used to hear about people suffering horrible trauma and I'd be so sad for them but of course soon I'd go back to my regular life and forget about it, and now I wonder how those people coped. I guess they are still coping the way I am coping right now. Horribly.
I just don't know what to do with myself. How is everyone else fairing or is it just me that can't find a moments peace inside my head? I can't concentrate worth shit and I'm even more depressed because I could be having a wonderful day today, but now nothing makes me happy. I have no weekend plans which will most likely be that way for the rest of my life as all my plans usually involved my sister 99.9% of the time. I keep thinking I want some sort of drugs, but I don't even know how that would help.
I can't stand this! Why did this happen to me? To all of us? I hate that a forum like this has to exist. I want my old life back. My world is completely destroyed.
It's the same for me, with sleeping and nightmares. I can only sleep at all if I take either Benadryl or a sleeping pill. For the entire first year after my husband died, every fucking morning I wok up crying and moaning, and that was what woke me. I don't hear from many other peope of that happening to them.
Panic, anxiety, dread, shaking, bitterness, remorse, regret, and evil thunderous absent silence crashing in my ears which used to hear the music every morning of his dear precious breathing and his beautiful, rich voice. That is waking.
I use a sleep aid too. I keep hoping I don't wake up.
Same here. Every night I wish I would just die quietly and painlessly as I sleep.
The "good" days, or what used to be or would have been good days, are horrible now, for exactly the reasons you said. Days that I would have enjoyed in the past, mean absolutely fucking nothing now. Or rather, they hurt, because my beloved is not here to share them with me, and so I don't want them, I don't even want them to exist.
I used to look forward to going home at the end of the day, because my sweetheart would be at home waiting for me and we would have dinner and watch tv and talk and make love and cuddle together and sleep. Now there is none of that, and there never will be again, not in this life.
I am glad that my posts helped you. I know that 99.9% of my posts, if not all, are very depressed and sad and angry, because that is how I feel now, always. I worry that by posting I might make other people feel worse, but I suppose if that happens the people who find that my posts make them feel worse can stop reading them. Anyway, it's good that my ramblings have helped anyone.
I agree with you about the "happy memories". Sometimes a memory will come to me, something my husband did or that we did together, and for a moment I will live in that memory and feel a bit better, but then it ends, it always fucking ends. If I could live permanently in my memories, if I could literally abscond from life and lose my mind and do that, I would do it in a split second. I would rather die and be with him, but for as long as I am forced to be alive, I would do that.