This December 2nd will mark the first full year of my wife's death. I am still alone. In the dark. ANd I'm more terrified than I've ever been in my life. A full year and each day feels like the first day I lost Annette.

I go to a job so unfulfilling, where each day I get closer to being let go (for whatever reason). It's a matter of time. My health is now at a point where the fluid sack between my legs has actually grown. The pain is indescribable. I don't know how much longer I have left until I finally can't walk due to my 459 pound weight. I'm collapsing so often I have to sit. I have major blackouts and when you're alone by yourself, the darkness grows so deep you wonder when the misery will end. That's a 24/7, I live in terror every day that God for some sick reason has kept me alive.

I just want to be Annette. I'm her husband and she's my wife. Even at work I know my heart is weakening. I'm told there's a problem with my heart via EKG and other tests. So, now, I sit in the dark when I am home. I eat in the dark. I lay in bed in the dark waiting to fall asleep. I have no reason to move forward. Truly I don't. I have nothing, just getting by paycheck to paycheck. Even as I write this, I have no food at home. I eat one egg to two eggs a day with ice water as I've run out of food as well as money.

Every sense of me tells me I belong with my wife. The apartment is empty except a bed, a refrigerator and a tv set. Every day is the same. How long will I suffer each day like this? I just want my old life back. I know that's not going to happen. So I have to wait until my heart give out. How long will that be? I don't know. I just hope it's soon.

Views: 102

Reply to This

Replies to This Discussion

I'm so sorry, Richard

The loss of your dear Annette would be more than enough to handle.  You also have health and financial problems, and a job you dislike - all so overwhelming.

I understand how you want it all over and be with your wife.  I do too.  It is  arguably the worst place a person can be in this life.

Do you qualify for disability, food stamps?  Does your Dr have a treatment plan to restore your health?

Please try one thing at a time.  None of what we have to do is easy.

Take care, Richard


I keep screaming into the night. I cry out to Annette to come for me. I beg her not to leave me behind.

I wait and wait. My health is such that my morbid obesity has gotten even worse. I have over 15 pounds of lymphatic fluid increase in just a few short days. Breathing is getting worse. I know my time is coming. I doubt I’ll get the gastric bypass in time. I hope to see the specialist next week. I pray the pain will go away Too. I’m just so tired. If I can’t get any help I pray GOd will show mercy and stop my suffering and I can be with my wife.

Bless you Richard,

You're pulling all my strings.

I too cry out for my beloved to come for me and not leave me behind; it's been my worst nightmare.

Is there some physical malfunction the reason for your weight gain?  What does your Dr say?  So you are in que for a bypass, where are you?  When you see the specialist can he answer some of these questions?  I didn't know there was a lot of pain - what, if anything can be prescribed for that??

It would make a world of difference if we had our loved ones at our side, helping us, supporting us. And that is the pain isn't it?

Plz don't give up.

Your Friend David


Thank you for responding to my post I don’t know why I am in the condition that I am in but hopefully the bloodwork will be more detailed as always time is running out I could no longer carry this weight of 459 pounds my knees are buckling, breathing is laboring and I’m growing weaker. at some point I will have to avoid work which will result in my termination.

With nothing else in this life no children broke now they even change the pay dates at my job and I don’t have any cash for food to get me into the new pay date of Monday that is how my life is been one stupid disaster after another .

My wife and I were always just together no children nothing just us I suppose that is the price to pay when you are both sharing soon life alone.

I am right now having to get ready to go to work an absolute pain I am amazed so far that I can even get to work at all but that’s going to end very soon anyway I just pray to God my tooth and that will come for me tonight and take me with her.

Hello Richard,

Sorry you're not doing well.

Hopefully the results of your bloodwork will give your provider somewhere to begin with treatment - what do they say?

What kind of work do you do?  If you can't do it anymore, aren't you eligible for disability?

I can only imagine how helpless you feel, and how you are missing your beloved wife.




I have yet to get the bloodwork results back. I ned to contact the doctor for the follow up this week.

I don't know, I keep begging Annette to forgive me, take me with her. I continue even with the first full year of her death I scream out in the night everyday. Life is now on hold until my own demise. 

My last hope is getting my morbid obesity(from which ANnette died from) taken care of. If I'm denied by my health insurance (which doesn't cover it) after getting the letter from the specialist about the life and death issue it is, then I am truly going to sit and wait for nature to run its course.

No more fighting. No more suffering. NO more screaming out in the night. No feelings of terror or physical pain 24/7.

Just peace and a reunion with the only woman who ever gave this pathetic loser a reason for hope and love.


Latest Activity

Christopher replied to Pamela philipp's discussion FAILING in the group Lost My Spouse...
"You had half your soul ripped out... basically. Of course you're going to struggle. Most folks just don't get that because they are still fine. They have not been so deeply wounded and have nothing to compare your struggle to. When I…"
1 hour ago
Christopher joined Jon-Paul Ackerman's group
1 hour ago
Christopher joined Julie Dolsey-Weiss's group
1 hour ago
Christopher replied to Betsy's discussion I am looking for people who have been widowed over two years to talk to
"I have a rollercoaster. Some days I am fine alone, others I simply need a wife to love on and make stuff for and ask her opinion. That's just how it is. I don't get a choice and folks who constantly tell me "get over it, it's…"
1 hour ago
Christopher replied to Betsy's discussion I am looking for people who have been widowed over two years to talk to
"I have the same experience and have talked to others who experience likewise, so it's a general fact regardless of age or gender. That's just how it goes. We'll be here, off and on. Hopefully."
1 hour ago
Christopher replied to Betsy's discussion I am looking for people who have been widowed over two years to talk to
"I have to look forward or I just want to lay down and die. My son needs a dad. He needs a mom too but I can't find a woman who will step up and do that for him. She died when he was 5 so he didn't know her well. He has not had a mom since…"
1 hour ago
Christopher replied to Betsy's discussion I am looking for people who have been widowed over two years to talk to
"Make something new. Marvel at it.Do it again. Repeat as necessary. It helps."
1 hour ago
Christopher replied to Betsy's discussion I am looking for people who have been widowed over two years to talk to
"Just got here. Widowed at age 28. It took 18 hours from healthy wife to no more wife. That was nearly 8 years ago. She wanted me to move on and I wanted the same for her if I went first... strange that we had the conversation mere months before her…"
1 hour ago
Christopher posted a status
"Need a wife, preferably one that has a place and isn't a workaholic. It's time to start again. No more loneliness."
2 hours ago
Virginia G commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"The dr from the hospital talked to my therapist.  I didn’t get any more answers.  I am convinced they gave up on her and since I did nothing, I’ll never know if she could have been helped.  I can’t fathom why I acted…"
2 hours ago
Avi commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"I feel for you Brett if you are fighting all this alone. A big hug from India.  Last few days were really guilt stricken for me as I was at my hometown and all memories of my mother's treatment were refreshed and it really pains.  I…"
4 hours ago
Profile IconKim and Joeann joined Online Grief Support - A Social Community
8 hours ago
morgan and Crystal Parker are now friends
15 hours ago
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"It only rains here when I want to go to the pool. I am worried about Bluebell as well. I think she would have chimed in by now if she was feeling well. I had a selfish moment today. I actually have a lot of those. I was at the store and I started…"
17 hours ago
Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"I hope everyone is doing well still have not heard from Bluebell it’s raining here today I hate weekends when it rains very depressing and boring hope to hear from everyone soon"
M Adams left a comment for Shari Darling
"Dear Shari, strange, I had and continue to have similar problems regarding what to say about myself in this context, but somehow I stumbled here after my husband's death and it has been helpful.  Just reading of bereaved people's…"
Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Hi Morgan, As you always do in your posts, you take the words right out of my mouth.  Linda"
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Before this nightmare I myself would never have imagined how debilitating the loss of a spouse is. Tracy B 2014 I thought I would be able to focus on my career to help me heal, but I don't even like going to work any more. At home, I can't…"
Shari Darling updated their profile
Profile IconShari Darling, Christopher and Tara Gibson joined Online Grief Support - A Social Community

© 2018   Created by Ninja.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service