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Permalink Reply by bluebird on July 30, 2014 at 9:28pm

My husband died nearly two years ago.  We had been together for almost 13 years, and he died literally one week to the day after our wedding. I love him and miss him so much. Life is hell now, and I will never be happy again. I don't even want to be. All I want is to die and be with him as soon as possible -- if an afterlife exists, and I do not know if it does. Even if it doesn't, I still want to die as soon as possible, because living without the love of my life is unbearable.

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Permalink Reply by Pauline Grutzeck Romano on August 1, 2014 at 11:06pm

I understand exactly how you feel. Life is so different. I just want to be with him
I pray this pain will ease up

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Permalink Reply by Sandi on August 14, 2014 at 2:30am

Hello my name is Sandi & I lost my husband of 38 years 7 weeks & in 17 minutes 7 weeks & 3 days ago. The life changes are to numerous to list. Will it get better? I don't think so! If not for my belief that suicide is the ultimate sin forever keeping you away from your loved one I would be with my husband. So many say it gets better with time. I am left wondering if they have ever lost the love of their life! I would love to ofer you some comfort but I would have to find it first. As each day passes I get more bitter & find myself begging for an explanation. My husband was diagnosed with pneumonia the last week of Aug 2013 after 4 months of a cough that wouldn't stop. 3 days later I took him to the hospital because he couldn't breathe. Upon admittance they did a cat scan & found a mass in his lung. 2 weeks later after a hospital stay and a lung biopsy we were told it was stage 4 cancer. He did it all, weekly chemo, daily radiation, gamma knife brain surgery to live. Everything he did was to live to be here for me & our 9 grandchildren, 3 that we have taken care of since birth & live next door to. They are 7 year old triplets who adored their grandpa. I am not only dealing with my loss I am dealing with theirs. One of the girls life revolved around her grandpa & she has taken it even harder then the other 2. I wish I had the answers & that I could offer you words of encouragement about how it will get better but I think that's a load of BS! I am truly sory for your loss & can tell you that I understand exactly how you feel.
Kindest Regards,
Sandi / A devastated wife.

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Permalink Reply by Lost & Alone on August 18, 2014 at 11:52pm

I agree that life changes.... But I have found that some of my life has not changed at all. I have no idea how to pick up and move on, but I have found that if I share my life with my soulmate still, that it is not as hard as moving on with out him. I actualy think he is here to encourage my wound to heal, I guess that sounds stupid but I know that my husband would pop me in the butt if he thought I was quiting.

 

Guess we all have to find our own way and what are own beliefs are....

I hope you can still feel your husbands love and understanding, I hope you find something to help you in your time of need.

God bless

 

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Permalink Reply by Sandi on August 19, 2014 at 1:15am

Well today is week 8 for me & the pain & longing has only grown worse. I am doing all the things you hear about. Stay busy immerse yourself in activity etc... With 7 year old triplet grandchildren there is no end to activities. Between club & rec soccer for the girls, baseball for the boy, taekwondo for all three, & cast calls & auditions it shouldn't be hard for me to get it together I'm told. There really isn't a minute to spare you would think, but the one I have shared al of this with is now gone. Everything I do is filled with memories of doing these same things together. I decided I desperately needed a companion to share my nights when the grief overtakes me. I went to the rescue shelter & adopted a 12 week old Siamese kitten. We had always had cats until the triplets were born. Our last cat died of old age when the triplets were 3 months old. I have not Ben ready for another cat until now. It may not be right for everyone but it works for me. The kids named her Babycakes ( Baby for short ) & she is doing exactly what I had hoped for. She is a rescue kitten who needs me as much as I need her. After 2 days she is sleeping on our bed and very vocal. It certainly does not lessen the pain but it gives me a moment to tend to her needs, putting some of my pain aside for a very few minutes. I wish I had the answers because I'm still mad as he'll at God for being so reckless in choosing my husband. I hope you find a way to begin to heal & if you do, please share it with me.
Kindest Regards,
Sandi

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Permalink Reply by Pauline Grutzeck Romano on October 1, 2014 at 12:28pm

Sandi, I understand how you are feeling, exactly!!  I have so much to live for, family and 3 beautiful grandkids. But I feel no joy. I just want my husband back. I ask why all the time! He was a good man and we were truly in love after 30 years.. I'm so lonely without him. Iam just functioning, like a robot. I'm going to my first bereavement group today.. i hope it helps  I'm trying everything. I use to be such a happy person...Now I only feel sadness..

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Permalink Reply by Sandi on October 1, 2014 at 1:45pm

I know what your feeling from the depths of my soul & so wish I didn't! It's sad but all of us that can relate because they too have & are experiencing this terrible pain.Sadly the most innocent things can set off the most incredible pain & sadness that I never knew was possible. Recently I have been waking up during the nigh much more then usual. When I awaken I am in such a state of panic I can barely breathe. I am desperately trying to find Mike & the fear is so real that I become overwhelmed with grief & pain. These episodes are becoming more frequent & more real each time. I don't understand any of this but I suspect it has something to do with the fact that I am not able to share my feelings with anyone fearing I will break down. This site is one of a couple of places I can put words to my feelings without the fear of people seeing me weak. I applaud you for having the courage to go to a bereavement group & I hope it will help you get through this. Please let me know how it goes & I wish you the best.

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Permalink Reply by Pauline Grutzeck Romano on October 1, 2014 at 5:57pm

the bereavement group was good...I think it helps to be with people who "get it"  No one can understand our pain, unless they've been through it.. It can't hurt to try it..I'll try anything to get a little tiny relief

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Permalink Reply by Lost & Alone on October 1, 2014 at 10:54pm

If that helps you then you should go, mabey you will meet some one who can help you. It is always worth it, if you can find a little peace. I hope that you will find a lot of peace. God Bless

 

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Permalink Reply by Lost & Alone on October 1, 2014 at 11:17pm

 I know how you feel to a point I do not think that showing any emotion (crying or any other type) makes some one weak. I have the  problem that I have three sons, and two of my sons were their dads shadows. I try not to let them see me cry now that it has been a while, because I want them to grieve in their own way, not because I am. I have no problem crying when we talk about their dad I cry away, but letting them see that I am dead inside is not happening. So I understand that breaking down to you seems weak, but maby people need to see that you are still deeply affected, that way they can help you. I know that my sons help, and I think letting them help me helps them to.

Don't let how any one looks or thinks of you, affect the way you grieve, to have hope in you, there has to bee room for it, so let some of your grief go, so your soul mate can give you a little hope.

God Bless You

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Permalink Reply by bluebird on October 1, 2014 at 12:32pm

I am the same way, Pauline. I used to be very happy and, despite our financial problems, i was an optimistic person. I always believed that something good might be about to hapoen. I am NOT that person anymore. There is no joy in life, without my husband here with me.

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Permalink Reply by Pauline Grutzeck Romano on October 1, 2014 at 9:17pm

I understand completely. When you lose your spouse, your WHOLE life changes..Its so so very difficult. I don't know how to live without him..

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