Hi I'm new to this site so I hope I'm posting in the right section.

My grandma was diagnosed with ovarian cancer only about a month ago her tumor was blocking most of her insides and so she went for an operation two weeks ago, it was only supposed to be day surgery but she is still in the hospital now. Her tumor has taken over her whole body basically, it is blocking vital organs and she is very sick. Today my grandad called crying saying that it's now spread so badly and seriously that they are going to do emergency surgery on Tuesday but not expecting her to live until then and if she does, not to make it through the surgery.

My grandad remarried from my blood grandma so this is my step grandma, although they married when I was a newborn baby so I think of her as my grandma ... She IS my grandma. She's a devout Christian, and only cried once through this whole ordeal, so I have a sense of peace (I don't really know what other word to use) that she believes she is going to a far better place than what she's in now and has been suffering in for months. We've never been really close but I love her so much! I never told her, because we're just 'not that kind of family', but I think (hope) she knows that i do and I know she loves me.

She's always been crazy, with the biggest laugh I've ever heard, so much fun, almost naive in some cases... She never has a bad word to say about anybody no matter what happens... She's full of pure love! When I was little I never used to like going to her house because she wasn't very into entertaining children.... She would just put her favorite music on and dance around the room, or read her bible or watch really boring tv but she was always there for me, making sure I wasn't hungry or cold and asking about my life. I am super close to my grandad (her husband) and seeing him upset is the hardest thing .. I think it's harder than losing her. I went to see my grandma in the hospital this week, and I could tell she was in pain but she was trying to hide it, she still seemed perkier than I imagined, even while she's going through all this she didnt complain about it once and was more interested in what I've been up to and if my grandad has been eating!

I've never lost anybody before, but this is so hard! I want to cry and cry but I have to stop myself in front of my grandad (who I've always seen daily anyway) I wish id have been closer to my grandma, I wish I could take her pain away, I wish I could do anything to make my grandad happy. I haven't seen her side of the family in years, with them being 'step' family we don't keep in touch, and on my Grandads side there is only me, my mum and my 8 year old sister who have a relationship with them, I feel scared to admit to my mum how sad and terrible I actually feel because on top of this she is going through a lot of other things, so im basically alone.

Sorry for the rant I just had to get my feelings out.