Don't grieve alone; 14,000 members and growing
It is just over 3 weeks since my husband Pete lost his 5 year battle with his cancer of an unknown primary. This grief journey is not new to me as 18 years ago my first husband took his own life. I never thought I would ever find love again, but I did. I was so lucky to find Pete and we had 10 special years together. However, half way through that he was diagnosed with cancer. I feel so cheated, but at the same time I feel blessed I was given another chance. I know that many people do not get that, so I shouldn't feel sorry for myself. AT the moment I do, but I know that will pass. Every day the tears come and I try so hard to find comfort in the good times. But at the moment the thoughts of the good times are what bring on the tears. As someone once said to me, "you will never get over this, but you will get through this." Thank you for listening.
I hadn't heard of that particular glacier breaking away. The climate all over the world is out of whack isn't it? The areas of our state that recently flooded and thankfully missed us this time, have just had their 4th flood this year. It is unbelievable and unheard of before. No wonder they are just so fed up. Even our town Lismore, is still struggling with many businesses not reopening and people wanting to leave. You can't blame them. The flood in our area went over the flood wall by a couple of metres.
Thank you for the boost to my morale over my car towing experience. It meant a lot to me. I'd never used the tow bar on the car before and Pete wanted it there in case I ever needed it. Probably not for what he had envisaged, but it was so useful.
How I wished you lived closer. I've also had a shocking week. I couldn't stop crying. It was 8 months this week since I lost Pete and I felt this overwhelming sadness that wouldn't leave me. Then a friend rang and I had a talk to her and I felt so much better. I even managed to go and do some work outside. I have been working really hard since the 2 days of rain we had this week have gone. Hard work definitely helps, but like you with the heat and us with the rain, when they occur and you can't do much, you are simply stuck with your thoughts.
I also live 20 minutes out of town and couldn't imagine living anywhere else. I feel my calmest when out here and with the amount of birds I'm getting due to all the trees and shrubs we have planted over our 10 years together, they are able to survive and multiply.
I remember on Christmas day last year, just only weeks after losing Pete. I was devastated. I walked outside and normally you would hear birds, but that day I think just about every bird that was able to sing was singing to me. I felt my heart soar as it was so out of the ordinary and I knew then it was a Christmas gift from Pete.
What dates in August are the hardest for you? Two of my children were born in August: the 4th and the 22nd. It would be lovely to be able to post photos for you to see.
At 2pm today I'm invited to my daughters for afternoon tea. We will see how that goes. I still feel like an intruder around there and at the back of my mind is always the knowledge they simply aren't interested in what Pete and I had: only themselves and that makes me sad. I spoke with my mother on the phone the other day and she asked me what I had been up to. I told her I had been having a terrible time feeling so sad. Of course she just grunted and changed the subject. I have to accept that is what she is, it will never change, but by god it is hard to cope with. I understand that you know all about that as well.
Make sure you drink plenty of water during this heat wave won't you? As for me, I'm still having my nightly fire which is great. Marty our dear friend, came over yesterday and chopped up more firewood for me. I've been doing it, but what is left I simply couldn't get through. I was very thankful.
Take care dear friend, I think it is just so special that you and Claudio had that music connection together. Those tunes Claudio wrote for the both of you will always take pride of place in your heart. Every time I look at all those many, many trees and shrubs we have planted together over the years I also can't help but think of Pete. Even when Palliative care would come out here to care for Pete they were so impressed and said how much they loved our "parkland." Which is exactly what it is. You just feel like putting a blanket down and having a picnic in many places. I have to smile to myself when I say that because as much as Pete and I would have loved to do that, if we sat on the ground we probably wouldn't be able to get up again. So we cheated and used chairs instead!
Big hugs and I look forward to much to hearing from you again
I've been seeing on the nightly news the heatwave currently hitting Europe. I'm thinking of you and hoping you are coping ok. Would you believe we have had lovely weather here, but the nights are cold. Three to 4 days of rain is forecast for later this week though.
On Friday I burnt another huge bonfire. On Saturday I spent basically all day mowing. On Sunday I gathered more rubbish as the bon fire site was still smoldering under all those ashes, plus I poisoned off a lot of weeds and did more mowing. I've worked hard but I've totally enjoyed it, I actually felt I have achieved something.
Afternoon tea went ok. I still feel the odd one out. My middle granddaughter who is 14 asked me would I like to watch her play netball this coming weekend and I said I would. I'm not a sports fan, but I will go. The eldest who is 17 wants me to have lunch with her one day and I said I would do that too. All positive that way. The youngest who never knew me at all is very distant and I can understand that. I feel the same way about him: no bond. I do wonder what the future holds with regards to them all. Still no contact from my youngest daughter who turns 40 on 4th August. I intend sending her flowers and will see what eventuates from there.
When you said you wake up in the morning and can't wait until night time to get over another day, it sounded just like me. That is what I do. Of an evening I do jigsaws as they help pass the time, but I miss not having Pete to talk things over with, get his take on things and just to have that special someone to lean on when you need support the most. You can get a hug from a stranger/friend or whoever, but it will never ever be the same. How can it be?
I'm so proud of you for nurturing those tomatoes. It is something you have achieved all alone and I know Claudio will be very proud of you for doing so. I remember Pete was also proud of me as I used to love making plants grow from cuttings. My pride and joy are 2 camellias that I grew from small cuttings. I love camellias and they are scattered all over the place here. I do agree, our soulmates are helping us here on this earthly plain.
I'm taking Bonnie out to get a groom this morning. She looks like a woolly mammoth without the tusks of course. She isn't a fan of her thick hair and loves it when it gets thinned out. She is only a small dog, but I love her to bits. My last piece of Pete if you like. She was his mate and initially 5 years ago when Pete's brain tumour was first diagnosed, Bonnie was the one who found it. We couldn't work out why she wanted nothing to do with Pete when of an evening she loved to sit on his lap for hours on end. When the tumour was removed, she was back in his lap again. She also knew the side effects of the chemo were making Pete's legs throb and she wanted to lick them all the time. Bless her, she knew he was ill.
Anyway I had best get going, her appointment is in half an hour. You take care and I look forward to hearing from you. Keep safe during this terrible heat.
Hugs to you
I've never been sporty. I was always picked last for teams in school. But when I was 15 I took up Ju Jitsu and that was something I could do alone and not be expected to please others. My daughter said another netball game is on this coming Saturday. I said I would go, but I won't be doing it every weekend.
I've had a gastro thing on and off for a couple of weeks now and I feel tired. I've made a doctors appointment for 5th August (9 months that day since Pete left), so it will be a difficult day for me. I also want to get some moles checked over too. I just hope I don't cry in the surgery.
Not sure about where you live, but over here power prices are going through the roof. Of a morning I put the reverse cycle air/con on just to warm the house for about 10 minutes and in summer it is the same to help cool it off. But we would generally try and use fans. Where the house is situated is quite high and during summer we are lucky enough to get the sea breezes. The house is well insulated, despite all the glass, so I know that helps.
I'm very proud of you for nurturing those tomatoes from seed to what you are getting now. I love growing flowers, shrubs and trees, but when it comes to vegetables it is hit and miss. I've had good success with capsicums (peppers), bok choy and herbs. Sometimes I've grown the mini tomatoes, but not with the success you are having. Mine seem to get eaten by bugs and when the odd one did sprout I just ate it!! Nothing like home grown tomatoes, they are so sweet. Oh, I've also succeeded with snow peas and cucumbers. Once I tried to grow sweet potatoes, but usually some little native animal beat me to the draw. Still, I don't mind sharing!
I'm having lunch with Olivia, my eldest granddaughter tomorrow. I hope that goes well. Wish me luck
I agree with you, life is just so lonely. When Pete left I know part of me went too. I feel as if I just can't give anymore at times. I know I have aged a lot. I've lost weight too and that doesn't help either. I hate looking at myself in the mirror and I know Pete would be so sad to hear me say that. Like you, I've been through a lot and sometimes you just have to wonder how much more you can actually take.
Enough of the woes, sorry about that. I'm just heading out to do some long awaited pruning as even though the day is quite cool, the rain is gone for the moment.
Enjoy those fruits of your labour, you are doing so well and Claudio can see that too - I know it!
I'm already looking forward to hearing from you. Big hugs back to you.
I do look forward to your emails. I was wondering if you were ok as I hadn't heard from you and after looking in the "junk" folder, I discovered your email. Maybe a psychic connection between the two of us, because it was waiting to be discovered.
I have had a good chat with my 17 yr old granddaughter. I've tried to say to her that there are 2 sides to every story, don't entirely blame Pete or I, plus a few other things I felt she was old enough to understand. She said, "you were in a toxic relationship?" I felt she was directing that towards Pete and I, so I simply said, "that's right, with my children." I left it there. Other than that I've never said anything untoward about her parents to her. She I feel has heard so much negativity about myself and Pete and I think in her own way, she asks me these questions to get my take on what happened. It's tricky.
Her mother sent me a message thanking me for taking the girls to their after school work commitments while she was away last weekend. Olivia (17 yr old), organised it all and my daughter said she was pleased with that because she never wants to ask me for help in case I accuse her of taking advantage. It just crushes me when I'm trying so hard to move on and she every now and then takes a jab at me. I have plenty I could jab back with, whats the point? A) things are totally denied and B) I want to move on. There's Hurt on both sides, not just hers and I can't change the past but I can move on. C) I'm able to forgive, but by god, I can't forget either, so I am guarded. So things are ok on some levels, but mostly I feel like an intruder.
On Sunday my mother was admitted to hospital. The doctors still don't know what is wrong, after conducting many tests. She was given a blood transfusion which helped I believe and she is to see a cardiologist, so they must believe it to be her heart. I'm making the 6 hour drive over there tomorrow for a few days to spend some time with her and to see what is going on. I don't really want to, but feel obliged to do so. Her house is so cold and I will miss my fire and my electric blanket.
That was a very heartfelt story about your sons appendicitis episode. Thank goodness your husband knew what he was doing and insisted on his operation. He basically saved his life didn't he? You must really miss him on so many levels Enza? It is hard to cope some days isn't it?
My doctors visit yesterday went well. She said the moles are nothing to worry about. She is lovely and I told her about her colleague who treated Pete and I unkindly with the palliative care issue. She simply said, "Ros, you should have called me." I wish we had, but we felt we couldn't as she hadn't handled Pete's case.
I'm pleased your tomato crop is coming along well. That's because you have green thumbs!
I had a lovely dove fly into the glass door this morning and unfortunately broke his neck. It happens every now and then. I always shed a tear as it is so sad.
I passed Pete's 9 month anniversary last Friday to the day. It was a long day as I relived it all over again.
That's about all my news. I hope the weather calms down a bit for you over there. We haven't had much rain this month, but the days are lovely if you can get out of the wind. The nights are still cold.
Take care my friend. Big hugs and I look forward to hearing from you when you get the chance.