PART 1

I knew it was coming, but I am broken.    If you're interested, I have chronicled our experiences here:  https://community.breastcancer.org/forum/8/topics/843804

If not, I will just say that she had stage one breast cancer five years ago.  2 years ago this month when we got back from a trip to her native Peru it came back - stage 4.  We found out on a Saturday AM before a day trip to Georgetown, CO.  I was shellshocked.  I took her hand, couldn't stop crying, and told her I would do everything I could for her.  And I did - nutritionists, naturopaths, acupuncture, Chinese medicine, and TONS of research.  I never stopped.  We even did expensive MMJ oil in the last month (I had hired a consultant).  I stayed in touch with her oncologist, always pushing for more,  I was the eternal optimist - well, more like in denial.

This beautiful, wonderful, woman who loved life was barely recognizable at the end.  What a cruel disease.  Everyone who met really liked her.  She adored me, threw me big birthday parties, always took care of me, and she would even track my flights and e-mail me updates of where I was along the trip to show that she was following.  She was remarkable.

In return, over the past 7 or our 10 years, I cheated on her, took her for granted,  and we broke up 3 times because of me.   That last time I REALLY missed her and wanted her back in my life.  I was really hurting.  We got back together three years ago and I had learned my lesson.   Things went well.   We traveled, had fun, and did things.  She even recently said that she always believed that we were meant to be together, and that she was put here to make me a better person.  She did that.

She had bad kidneys, and last winter kidney failure, primarily caused by chemo put her in the hospital.  Her aunt, mother, and even ex-husband came up from Peru for a few months to stay with her and me and help out.  It was a medical miracle when her kidneys came back to life when we had been told that she'd be on permanent dialysis. 

She had moved into my place (it just kind of happened) and retired from her job - thanks to the cancer.  A few months ago her mother and aunt from Peru came up and stayed at my place to help her 24/7.  Massaging her feet, helping her when she threw up, administering MMJ oil, etc.  That's all they did.  That had to be hard.  Then her college son and ex-husband again joined us.  I was very gracious and supportive, but sometimes resented all of the confusion, lack of privacy, and all the people.  Everyone said that not many BFs would have done what I did, but I don't think it was enough.

I wanted to give you some background as I ease into the grief component.  I will work on part 2....

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Jeff C., I am very sorry to hear of your loss. I can't seem to find the words(if there really are any)to help ease the unbelievable pain you're going through now. I lost my girlfriend a number of years ago to lung cancer and to this day I'm still not the same. I learned that you can't rush the grieving process in order to save you the pain of the loss. I'm not sure if that makes any sense to you or not? I pray that your closest friends will be there for you when you do decide to reach out to them. For me, I didn't want to talk or see anyone right away, I needed time with myself, but in time I needed them desperately. You may think that there will never come a time when you'll find the peace and strength to carry on, but there will be.

Thanks, Doug.  I appreciate that, and I am sorry that you experienced a similar loss.  I have never felt so bad in my life.  I am constantly analyzing our relationship, things that could have been done differently, I can't concentrate on work and have to keep walking around the office, can't sleep well, my appetite is off, etc.

I am not someone who likes to take drugs, but I am in touch with a doctor to see if I can get something for the worst anxiety moments.  I will begin meeting with a counselor tomorrow.

I am spending time with friends, but so far it doesn't seem to help.  It's hard to explain.

Thanks again.

Well, here we are.  A long fun weekend for most.  Mila's many friends have disappeared, although one did check up on me.  I appreciate that a lot.  But it's been a lonely weekend.  For the past two years Mila and I went up to a Denver mountain park in which a bunch of families get together every year in memory of a sister who was lost to cancer 20 years ago.  This year I wasn't even invited.  I don't really exist anymore to them.

I have a friend up the street who I have known for over 20 years.  We used to be an item.  We get together for iced coffee and talk once every weekend.  Now it's every day on the weekend.  Mila used to be (unnecessarily) jealous of her.  She has been very helpful about my grief.  I never expected that.  All of my other friends are too busy to hang with me.  Maybe we'll go to Boulder tomorrow.

Today I drove to Mila's house and retrieved some of her clothing for sentimental value.  I cried.

Then I went to Costco, her favorite store and the one she introduced me to.  We used to love going there together.  Such a small thing.  In later months she had to use an electric shopping cart.  I used to get behind her with my regular cart and push her faster than she wanted to go. Playful fun.

Now I'm home.  

I miss her so much.  I can't believe how much I took our time together for granted.

I agree with Bluebird.  What loving God would so severely punish and kill such a remarkable person at 52.   And then destroy my life and the lives of so many others who loved her?  One of her Chilean friends, a nice lady in her 70s, wants to talk with me about her but is unable to due to her grief.  She doesn't deserve that kind of pain.

I deserve punishment for the way I treated Mila earlier on.  I really do.  But this is so very cruel.

On the other hand, just recently a bird built a nest over my front door.  Never happened before.  I wonder if it means something.

  

Well, here we are at week 5.  I was doing a little better, but never that good.  Last night it got dark early and started raining.  I felt very lost and lonely and couldn't stop crying for 15 minutes.  It started again this morning.  Here I am at work with tears rolling down my cheeks.  Geez...

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