Don't grieve alone; 14,000 members and growing
Hi, I just lost my dad 3 weeks ago unexpectedly...
I was having such a great day at work. I actually remember thinking to myself at work ...wow..I`m in such a great mood.
I went to the upstairs cafeteria with a coworker and as I was coming back down to my desk another coworker said, "Hey, I know your ringtone...its the music from Casper"...I was like, "Oh, my phone rang while I was gone?" and she said "Yeah, a couple times"....I look at my phone and saw that it was my mom calling. She never calls my cell phone during the day...we usually converse over work email all day. I immediately had the pit in my stomach.
I saw 5+ missed calls. I called her right back. She answered crying, "Honey, you need to come home, daddy had a heart attack"....I dropped everything...I was shaking so bad I could barely think. I went into the meeting my boss was having and told her I had to go. She wanted to drive me but I just rushed out of the building. As I got outside the building, tears and all, I thought to myself..."What? whats going on here...where am I going...What hospital am I going to drive to?"
I called my mom back and I asked her, "Mom, where am I going??! What hospital is dad at?" and there was a long pause as I hear my mom force out the words, "No, honey, daddy`s gone. Hes dead"
The walk to my car was the longest walk I have ever taken. The drive to my parents house was the longest drive I have ever taken. I`m sure the people downtown thought I was a crazy person. I was in shock. I didn't believe what she told me. I had just seen my dad the day before last....how could this be? The whole way home I kept repeating.. THIS IS NOT REAL. THIS IS NOT HAPPENING. MY DAD IS OK...I CAN FIX THIS.
I finally got to my parents house and as I drove up there were two cop cars out front. My dad was still in the house. What happened was, my dad usually calls my mom at work around 9ish to kind of check in and see how her day is going. (This is a Monday) ...Well, my mom didn't get my dad`s call so she called him. No answer. Thought to herself.."well, maybe hes out for a drive or in the shower"...she tried calling around 10..no answer...so she repeatedly called the house phone and his cell phone...no answer...She raced home...went in the house...looked in the bedroom to see he wasn't in there and thought for a moment., "ok, he just left his phone at home...he must be out"....then she saw the bathroom door slightly open with the light on....He was still in a standing position and rigomortis had set in.
My mom found him at home dead. The coroner said he had a massive heart attack and went quickly.
I cannot believe my dad is gone. I`m only 26 years old and am getting married in 2 MONTHS. The pain is unbelievable. I think about him ALL the time. Every minute of every hour. I get this pit in my stomach...and the anxiousness isn't going away. Its like that feeling you get before a big interview or speech...I have that constantly. I feel so horrible for my mom. I hate seeing her cry and upset.
His death makes me question a lot of things about life. I never really was religious in any way...but I always thought people died to be put in a better place...to end their suffering and pain....but my dad loved his life. He loved us so much...I cant imagine him being in a better place than with us here....
I cant picture my life without my dad. In the last couple years we became pretty close. I always made sure to kiss him on the cheek and give him a hug everytime I would leave their home. I moved closer to my parents because I loved them so much and loved being around them.
I dont know what to do at this point. Reality is starting to hit now and its raining hard.
I get the same annoying comments, I should be happy he had a full life and that we all have to die sometime. I remember all my grandparents, I still have on around. My Dad's mother, I remember the deaths of the other three grandparents. Each had its own pain and process, but this is extremely hard. Mom is already talking about setting up the village that Dad put together for Christmas...something I am not looking forward to, I actually asked if we could skip the decorating this year and got told "No".
wen people say get over it i canet denise the thort of going to a suport grup scares me im a bit wel im very shy rond to many people id end up stutering all my words out i sum times thng sum peple hav no fealings at all my granmother kate woz her anversry this month i cant rember the yer she died i woz abot 15 im almost 38 now even i dont want any xmas decratsions up this yer the only thnk i want is my dad to cum bac but i no he cant at his funrell wen we warket be hind his coffen and follering the preast and funrell directer i wispit to my dads coffen i luv u dad u wer the best
I understand your feelings and I whispered the same things to my Dad.
I am told it takes time, there is no limit to the healing process. Like yourself I keep my pain hidden in the office. I cry at home and often, I am glad you found a group for healing. The only ones here, my mother is involved with and she would only worry more about me than her healing.
it least on hear i can get my fealing dooooon with out people judge u coz we r all going thru the sam pain and greith but in difrent ways my mum lost her parents over 40 yrs ago and she told me she never ever got over luzing thm even wen she lost my anti flo her sister to bone canser my mum never got over losing her yunger sista but this yer as bean a very nasty yer to our family a bit to nasty this yer espesely the way my dad died lazy nurses not helping just stud on the ward gosping and bean rasest wish woz not nise and the post mortem i dont no wish report is rite or wong al i no is my cuzen whos a charge nurse wen i last saw her nobody dies of natswell carses even wen she woz a nurse in casulty and peopl cum in after a car acstend or wot ever thy hav died of a nasty acsetentd