Don't grieve alone; 13,000 members and growing
I can't really offer any advice or help, because I feel much the same way about my husband as you do about your boyfriend, and like you I am not really here, and my husband died nearly 5 years ago. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in feeling as you do.
Charlotte, even though you may not hear back from all members here, it's a very special place. Because we WANT to hear what an amazing person your boyfriend was, we have walked this long, lonely mile before you and we know how you are feeling in a way that nobody else can unless they, too, have walked it. Your boyfriend was your center of life, and how do we ever get over that? We don't.
I lost the finest man ever born 3years and 7months ago. We were married within 3 months of knowing each other and spent 20 years together, inseparable. And now? He died suddenly of a drop-dead heart attack in front of me, and I held him and watched him die. It's taken 3years/7months to go from the worst thing that ever happened to me in my life, untold sorrow, to it is now the best thing I have, because he was all mine and I have 20 years of memories of growing in love with him, and him with me. Love from AnneJ.