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I lost the love of my life...
I have read many of your stories, and trust me, I can identify totally with what many of you are feeling and have gone through. I write this now, with tears in my eyes. Here is the story that has brought me here. My wife Rhonda, suddenly died on Sept. 4th 2015. I came home from work at 12:00am, and I always check on her as soon as I walk in the door. She has had type 1 diabetes since the age of 4, and two years ago she was diagnosed with Sjogren's, an anti immune disease. She wore an insulin pump and was constantly fighting low blood sugar episodes. We would be in a restaurant and she would start getting low and then have a seizure before I could help her get her blood sugar back up. She had a lot of accidents because of it. I would find her laying in the floor, she would fall into things. I saved her life at least 50 times throughout our ten year marriage. So, it was typical for me to come home from work at night and to check on her the first thing. When I went into our bedroom, she was asleep, but snoring louder than I have ever heard her snore, but it wasn't enough for me to feel alarmed by it. She was sleeping on her side. I let our dog out to use the bathroom and shut the door. When I got ready to go to bed myself, about 1hr 15min later, I found her laying face down in the middle of our bed. I called her name, no response. But, this was just a normal thing with her, because of her blood sugar dropping so low all the time. I thought it was just low blood sugar so I went to the kitchen, made up a glucose shot, went back and gave it to her. After giving her the shot, I rolled her over and noticed that something was seriously wrong. She was not breathing, not responding. This darkness came over me like something I cannot explain. I immediately called 911. I started CPR on her, which I had never done before. The paramedics did not arrive for 15 minutes and I was furious! They tried to revive her but decided to take her to the hospital. They could not revive her at the hospital. I was in the operating room, with my body wrapped around her foot, staying out of the doctors way. When he pronounced her dead, I fell to the floor. So many things were going through my mind at once. I was in tears, devastated, lost, lonely, worried, helpless.... everything. I have never felt like this in my life. The doctor said that he thinks she had a massive heart attack. She was 43. Going home and trying to wrap my head around what just happened was overwhelming. It's still overwhelming, even 8 months later. I loved her with every ounce of myself. She was the best wife you could ever imagine having. God I loved her so much. The questions started going through my mind, how did this happen, how did I not see this coming, what could I have done to prevent it, what if I would have been in bed with her.. .could I have saved her life? The guilt was and still is overwhelming. They perform and autopsy due to her age. It comes back suicide. I told the funeral director who gave me the news that they have the wrong death certificate, there is NO WAY that she committed suicide. They said that she took a lethal dose of her arthritis medication, hydroxychloroquine that is used to treat Sjogren's syndrome. The pathologist told me that she had to have taken at least 15 pills. I told him he is wrong. I went down to the police station to see if they had the bottle of hydroxychloroquine and they did. There were still 59 out of 60 pills in the last bottle that she had filled. The night that she died, we had been texting. We were both talking about how excited we were that a 3 day weekend was coming in a few days and how we were going to be able to spend all of our time together. We were making plans for our vacation as well. She was so excited. The final message from her before I got home that night "Luv you, please check the fridge when you get home because it feels cool but not cold". This is not the words of someone about to commit suicide. The pathalogist said that there was AMBIEN in her system, normal amount. He said that she must have slept walked and took the pills. I thought that was the dumbest explanation anyone could have come up with. He said it happens all the time. I spent a month doing research about that drug and people who have died from overdose. Many studies show that it can build up in your tissue and then get released at time of death. The longer it takes for the blood to be checked, the more toxic it becomes. She sat in the morgue for 4 days with her insulin pump beeping, which is also very bothersome to me. Just shows me how they neglected her, and then claim she committed suicide. Anyway, with all that out of the way, I want to talk about my emotions. It was devastating, and still is. I was and still am suicidal. Within a few days of her death, I started searching the web on ways to kill myself, a way that would be easy, that would work. I finally chose the gun inside the mouth as the best option but did not own a gun. I kept going back and forth, should I do it, should I try to wait this out? Finally, I was so low that I attempted to buy a gun online... a 40 caliber. I have never owned a gun but found that the 40 caliber is a good way to kill yourself. I went through the checkout, but then was told I must have it shipped to an authorized dealer here in Arkansas. I closed out the page and didn't follow through. Christmas day I spent alone at her grave. I was ready to die. At times, I still just want to die. The emotional pain is incredible. The guilt, of not being in there with her, of not paying more attention to what medications she was taking, of living my life, benefiting from everything that we both achieved together financially. And the worse part, not being able to say goodbye. THAT IS THE KILLER for me. I am not religious, although I was when I was younger. So, I do not sit here thinking that one day we will be together again. She was a strong Christian. It makes it is even more painful because I am pretty sure that I will never ever talk to her or see her again. She was the must loving and caring wife. She worried more about my health than her own. Does it get better, so far, no. I had to remove all of her belongings from the house, take down all of our pictures. I cannot stand it. It is too painful. I changed out most of the furniture and remodeled. I should have sold the house and moved but it is easier said than done. People say "Cherish your memories, hang on to these, etc" I do not want to cherish our memories, I want those memories to end because those memories are too painful for me, knowing what we had together is gone forever. I have dated a few women since then, but most of them are not my type. And, it has nothing to do with me trying to find my wife in them. I was looking for me wife when I found her. If the right woman came along, I think it would help me tremendously with moving forward, but I am starting to believe that she does not exist, especially at my age 46. I did go to counseling 3 times, but the counselor left the practice and I didn't want to start all over. Do that is some of my story. For all of you who have lost someone, I do understand your pain, and my heart goes out to all of you. It is the most devastating thing I have ever faced and probably ten fold. Love to everyone here.... :)
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by BillT on
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Jimmy,
I wish I could say something that would help. I feel your pain and anguish when I read the words you wrote. I lost the love of my life just 10 weeks ago, so I have not been where you are. I know that the pain that I feel is crushing and all consuming. The guilt of which you speak is, from what I have read is pretty common and has no basis in reality. Just another way for us to beat ourselves up.
Hope that you will find respite from your pain, at least for seconds, or minutes. I can't fathom longer than that at this point in my journey.
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Hi Bill,
Thank you my friend. I am hoping that you find your way through this as well. I was told by the counselor early on that I was numb and in shock. Now, I didn't feel numb at all. She told me that the worse is yet to come... that was about 1 month in. I can't say that my emotions worsened after that, they just kept changing as questions began to be answered about how she died. I was looking and hoping for more closure from the autopsy report but it just opened up the wound and made it deeper. Can you tell me what happened to your wife if you don't mind? How long were you married, how old was she? Hoping the best for you....
Jim
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My Darling and I were together for almost 18 glorious years. We meshed like two well oiled gears. Every day, every prayer I ended with thanking the Lord for my Sweetheart. We retired in 2014 and we anticipated a wonderful retirement. We enjoyed each other and had fun doing just about anything as long as we were doing it together!
My Sweetheart was the picture of health at 63 yoa. She got a headache, which was not unusual for her. It did not go away as it usually did. One night, she woke babbling incoherently. I rushed her to the ER, where the doctors determine there is an infection on her brain. Surgery is performed, and two weeks latter, she is recovering well and scheduled to be transferred to Rehab in a day or two. I am with her and I determine that her pain is returning, and have the nurse call the doctor. They rush her to have another MRI and find bleeding in the brain and irreversible massive damage. We took my Darling home to Hospice care. She died ten days latter, never regaining consciousness.
The pain - it comes in waves. I am crushed. I cry and I scream in anguish. Does not matter. To never hear her voice calling out "I'm home", or saying "I love you!" or "You're MY Baby!" creates a hollow in me that is bigger than me. I am nothing but pain without her. The thought of a future like this is abhorrent.
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The pain is certainly bad today. I think that at four weeks, it is still sinking in that my darling sweetheart is not going to walk in the door, or call on the phone. When I busy myself with some mundane task, I find myself slipping into the delusion that she is just away at the moment, and she will be back shortly. She would often run up to town to run errands while I stayed home and puttered. If I was in the front yard where she could see me when she pulled up the drive, I always got her beautiful smile and cheery wave as she pulled up.
I cant see the screen for my tears. Most awful pain in the world.
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Today has been quiet. Just me stumbling from one end of this house to the other, dazed, breaking down with regularity. My heart is broken. The pain does not go away. There is no peace. I miss her and scream silently in my pain, but it does no good. She was my life and my reason for living. Now both are gone.
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I wish the Lord would take me. She was my everything in this world, and now my everything is gone. Nothing here for me but pain in my heart and in my gut and in my body.
Nothing left. No family. Few friends close by. Just this big silent house that I spend my days stumbling about, alternating between numbness, exhaustion and shattering grief that cuts through me like a knife. The hours drag by. I covertly eye the clock, calculating how long until I can take to the bed, booze and a sleeping pill and attain a few hours of oblivion. When I wake I will repeat my stumbling wandering from room to room. The silence is deafening.
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It is noon here, just 8-9 more hours until I will get to go back to sleep. The days are long, and this house is silent.
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I miss you so much, I don't know if I can go on. I wish that I would have saved you. I would have if I had only known! Why did you not know it was not your usual headache? I want to die and be with you. There is no reason for me to go on living without you. The thought of going on living without you must be what Hell is!
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Two months my sweet darling Sweetheart has been gone. She was my everything on this earth. I am lost, adrift, no destination, no motivation, just existing in a sea of pain, despair and anguish.
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Today, exhausted as usual. I feel a change today - it is hitting home that my sweet Baby is gone from this earth, never to return. I am left with figuring out how I am going to exist without her. Nothing good about this. ...
I miss you so much, the tears flow just at the thought. I try to be thankful for every thing, but my loss of you overshadows ALL! The missing you today is deep, penetrating my being, infusing every fiber, every bone, every drop of my blood.
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I call out to God to hear my plea!
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11 weeks,
Sweetheart I miss you so much that it makes me want to die so that I might be with you. I know that you are in the loving embrace of our Lord Jesus Christ, and I want so bad to be with you. There is nothing here on this Earth for me. I love you so! I hurt so bad, it feels as if my heart has been ripped from my chest. The pain just seems to get worse.
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Bill,
You just said the same things that cross my mind constantly about my wife. At first, I kept staring at the front door waiting for her to walk in. I kept waiting for some kind of supernatural sign. Nothing. I too, miss her smile, her love, her little quirks. I would never wish this pain on anyone, ever.
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Permalink Reply by FLORA on
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Jimmy, I know what you're going through. I lost the love of my life only 8 weeks ago. We weren't married but We were always together almost everyday for 8.5 years. If we didn't see each other, then we talked over the phone or text. I too found him in bed. I hadn't heard from him all day , no calls no text and he wasn't answering any of mine, so I knew something was wrong! I rushed over to his place straight from work, and that's when I found him. In that quick second, my life changed!! I will never be the same as long as I live. I also question the would of, the could of and should of's, The pain is so great That for the first week after it happened I could barely get out of bed. And everything around me reminded me of him, so like u I put everything away, it's just too painful to see his things, I cant even go to certain places or listen to certain songs or watch certain movies or TV shows, I just can't!!! Its too hurtful. And the autopsy and toxicology stated natural causes, really? So this 53 year old fairly healthy man just passed away just like that?. I'm just suppose to accept that it was just his time to go? Just like that? I know it happens but its hard to accept when there's no reason behind it! people say his spirit will always be here, and remember the good things about him, but that's what hurts, maybe it's wrong to say and maybe i'm being selfish, but I don't want to remember him. Its too painful!!!!!
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Flora, first of all, I am so very sorry for your loss. Whether you were married or not doesn't matter, it's a legal piece of paper. He was the love of your life. I can see how frustrating the autopsy report can be, TRUST ME!!!!!! I argued with the pathologist and he refused to change it from suicide to unknown. He doesn't know, he even told me he doesn't know exactly how he died other than her lungs were full of liquid. Anyway, there is a lot to this whole autopsy story that just floors me, not a bit of it makes sense whatsoever, none of it. All it has done is brought more pain into my life. Yes, it is too painful to keep things, at least for you and I. I would have never understood that until I experienced this myself. I do not want to remember my wife either, I quit going her grave 2 months ago. I just can't do it. She has a double stone with my name on one side to be buried next to her. All I think about is grabbing a gun and going to that grave and killing myself right there. A 53 year old dying of natural causes sounds like an incompetent answer. I live in Arkansas. This entire state is incompetent, especially the government. If they don't see an obvious crime, I think they just label the report whatever and send the body down the line. Again, I am so sorry...
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