My daddy was a us navy veteran who brutually killed himself on September 27, 2017 at the age of 51.

My Daddy had become really emotionally sick in recent years. He was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia. Which of course he didn't believe because he thought that was the Va trying to control him. He became really hard to be around as he has these crazy conspiracy theories and he heard and saw things that didn't exist that proved to him he was right. Then he started believing people were out to kill him. I was at the store with him once and he lost it in middle of the store because some man was chasing him with a weapon... Only that man didn't exist outside of his mind. He became angry and occasionally violent. He started having outbursts regardless of where he was, ie in middle of a restaurant we were at for my sons 10th birthday.

Then came the suicide notes. He sent many of them to both my brothers and I. To his brother and his best friend. We tried so hard to get him help over the past five years but it proved difficult. Somehow he never quite fit the criteria to be forced into getting help and he wouldn't go on his own. He became irate at us. He thought we were trying to lock him away. He said some very, very hurtful things to me that under normal circumstances he would never say.

I started getting irrational nonsensical letters that were on average between forty and a hundred pages of gibberish. Then he started doing it on facebook. One of his postings reads this "Roger Roy booms Ring of Fire for a redbox seven ate another Click to Graceland thee pink Hello Kitty This Elvis dress under House arrest. She riff a rafter can to grow cotton Maryland. A bending snap chipper from a block of Swiss cheese Tina Turner molds for Pokemon. Wink Suzie 12 times five. You feeling ME? If not, send the Coast Guard to hear ME. This Elvis can't keep it all IN." I couldn't understand what he was trying to say and he grew frustrated that we couldnt because it made sense to him.

After 14 year sober, he started drinking again very heavily. He told me he was either going to go to rehab or kill himself. He promised me he would go to rehab.

He went on a trip for 5 months visiting people on the east coast that he hadn't seen in many many years. When he was there... He told people he was dying of cancer and wanted to say his goodbyes. He didnt have cancer.

3 weeks before his death he asked me to come over. He wanted my husband to have his truck or he was going to donate it. When we were there he wasn't the same. He was rational and level headed. Back to the Daddy-o I remembered from childhood. He was apologizing for things he did and said during the past 5 years. Then he gave me his dog tags and said i would need them for after he jumped off a bridge. He said this in front of my child. He made my son tell his papa goodbye because papa was "going to jump off a bridge and die."

He started calling me daily begging me to leave work and come be with him. I live 2.5 hours away. I work as a cna in a nursing hime and abandoning the residents can get me in alot of legal trouble so i couldnt.

2 weeks later... He tried to od on a med thats not fatal in high doses. There is a recording on the va crisis line of him saying what he did. The va sent the police out and they came out. No one called me. I didn't know. If i had... I would have found a way to be there. They were checking on him frequently after that.

A week after that he cut his wrists, walkes around his houae for a while, and then cut his neck which caused him to bleed out fast. The house had blood everywhere. There was even a piece of his skin from hus wrist on the kitchen floor

My youngest brother... Who is autistic... Lived with my dad. He came home from work and found him like that. My sister doesnt believe my dad would do this and is accusing the whole family of sitting around and watching my autistic brother kill my dad. She says we all are lazy and dont work and just wanted a handout from my dad and were going to get it by any means necessary. She is the only one out of the 4 of us kids not working or paying her own bills.

The investigators said based on the wounds and the way he bleed out it isnt possible anyone else could have inflicted them.

This whole thing is a nightmare. Everything makes me cry.

Does this ever get better?

Views: 97

Reply to This

Replies to This Discussion

I really don't know what to say Ashley.  I'm so sorry.  There is some kind of weirdness in this universe that seems to have its way with us when we are not at all prepared for how to handle it.  Death by any means is hard to reconcile but your father seems to have had a hard time finding a way to go without a lot of pain (for everyone).  

When we have to face the aftermath we question everything that went on before.  The whys are the biggest unanswered tortured part of our souls.  Before death we don't seem to have the same questions.  We look at life as a challenge that we manage.  But so many things are really unmanageable.  Your father sounds as though his mind ran away and as his daughter you wanted to help him find it.  No reasons are given why we don't always succeed.  

I think crying is the bodys natural mechanism to release us from insufferable pain.  Our minds try to make sense of something that we cant and if held in will make us crazy.   Crying for me is cathartic but I have suffered from the crying although I still prefer it over the reverse.  

Does it get better?  Hard to answer if I would call it better but it does change.  After the shock wears down some you will look at things through a different lens.  How and what else we have in our lives will effect our understanding but we are all forever changed.

Your father was suffering and you may be asking the same question he asked himself.  Our hope here on this site is we try to do what we can to support each other because we all feel the pain.  May you find some moments where you can try to understand that we aren't meant to understand it all.  

I’m so sorry Ashley, your situation sounds truly horrendous, life seems so unfair. My husband died from suicide on 29/30 September 2016; I have the uncertainty because he disappeared for a night and wasn’t found until the next day, so I’ll never really know when he died. I feel so much anger and guilt, I cry every day, the world seems empty, tainted almost, and I feel like I’m just existing most days. I think any loss is devastating, but it is particularly difficult to cope with when the person you love did it to themselves. It is like a nightmare you can’t wake up from. I can tell you a year on that I have learnt to cope with things a bit better, but it still hurts, I don’t think that will ever go away. I try to keep myself busy, days are divided up into sections and I plan what I will do in each one. That seems to help a bit, but I think one of the most important things to do and what I have really struggled with is giving myself permission to feel whatever I need to and telling myself again and again that it is ok to feel a particular way. I think part of you wants to rush through it, to feel better and it’s hard to accept that it takes time. It’s hard for me to accept it, I just want it to be over and to feel better, but I don’t think it works that way. I don’t know if that helps. Wishing you strength and hope you find some peace.

RSS

Latest Activity

monty thompson replied to monty thompson's discussion My wife passed 5 days before christmas in the group Lost My Spouse...
"Hi All I have noticed lately that i am having dreams with re-occuring teams. my wife leaving (though some circumstance) and having greater responsibilities to look after others.. are other experiencing dreams with constant team's ? that being…"
53 minutes ago
Nancy commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Joe:  I'm with you on the signs.  I was positive my husband would send me signs.  I've read many books where people say it happens.  It's not a bird or a butterfly,  but they actual see and hear their loved…"
3 hours ago
joe kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Geraldine, it'll be five months on Thursday that my Darling died in my arms.  I know she loved me with all her heart and if she could she would send me a sign.  I'm convinced that she can't.  I just hope that she can…"
3 hours ago
Ammy commented on Kar's group Missing my Son or Daughter
"Connie, I hope your mom is okay.  I know how hard it is when another family member is ill.Our son's birthday was last Thursday (June 14).  The 8th without him.  And on Friday the 15th, my only sibling, my brother passed. …"
5 hours ago
Ammy commented on Kar's group Missing my Son or Daughter
"B. Windsor, I am so happy for you that you finally were able to see and visit with your grandson.  I hope it brought you some peace and happiness, and I hope you will be able to have a good relationship with him."
5 hours ago
Ammy commented on Kar's group Missing my Son or Daughter
"Hello.  Where has everyone gone?  I don't ever remember it being so quiet here.  I would like to think that is a good sign, but fearful that the newbies are being ignored.This place was a place of comfort and understanding when I…"
5 hours ago
Geraldine Brown commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"I miss my love so much and keep waiting for signs that he is still with with me. Would anyone like to share their stories of signs that their loved one is sending them. I need some hope."
6 hours ago
toni m dicarlo replied to Kar's discussion Please share your Story = the Loss of your Son or Daughter in the group Missing my Son or Daughter
"I haven't posted in awhile. May 26 was the 7 year date of my sons death and June 2 would have been his 23rd birthday, Gabriel was kind thoughtful and a pure joy to everyone he met. this life and the grieving have been very cyclical and when I…"
8 hours ago
Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Hi Morgan You and I are in the same boat and we both wish it sink with us on it."
9 hours ago
Avi commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Great words Bluebell. I did not even leave my job as you and Virginia did so I have more reasons to feel guilty. I did not even tall to her enough before her illness. But as Bluebell said guilt has life of its own. "
13 hours ago
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Its been a long long road since the day my husband died.   I cannot lie.  This is not getting any easier.  Instead of being in such a fog about what to do next I have more clarity as to what things are going to be like and I dont like…"
21 hours ago
BLUEBELL commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
""I quit my job and had the most important job, to take care of her.  She gave me life and took care of me my whole life, only for me to fail her when she needed me.  But what do I do with this guilt?  How do I punish…"
21 hours ago
Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"AnneJ Thanks for your kindness, I will be so glad when this pain ends and join my Husband in paradise."
yesterday
AnneJ. commented on AnneJ.'s status
"I sent a reply with a couple questions but what forum it ends up on, God only knows. :)"
yesterday
Profile IconJenny Silva, B McLean, Vickie lemoigne ecklund and 3 more joined Online Grief Support - A Social Community
yesterday
Trina Mamoon and Geraldine Brown are now friends
yesterday
Brett Bowman commented on AnneJ.'s status
"Anne, ask away."
yesterday
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Virginia, I never, ever want to give anyone the impression that I did everything right. And I got way too much praise through mom's illness and after her death. I knew better. They were right about one thing. I sure loved my mom. I could have…"
yesterday
Virginia G replied to Madeleine's discussion What would you do if you could have your lost loved one back for just five minutes?
"Thank you for the detailed answer Dennis"
yesterday
AnneJ. left a comment for kathleen akin
"Kathleen, I really miss you. Love, AnneJ."
yesterday

© 2018   Created by Jarvis.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service