Don't grieve alone; 14,000 members and growing
I really don't know what to say Ashley. I'm so sorry. There is some kind of weirdness in this universe that seems to have its way with us when we are not at all prepared for how to handle it. Death by any means is hard to reconcile but your father seems to have had a hard time finding a way to go without a lot of pain (for everyone).
When we have to face the aftermath we question everything that went on before. The whys are the biggest unanswered tortured part of our souls. Before death we don't seem to have the same questions. We look at life as a challenge that we manage. But so many things are really unmanageable. Your father sounds as though his mind ran away and as his daughter you wanted to help him find it. No reasons are given why we don't always succeed.
I think crying is the bodys natural mechanism to release us from insufferable pain. Our minds try to make sense of something that we cant and if held in will make us crazy. Crying for me is cathartic but I have suffered from the crying although I still prefer it over the reverse.
Does it get better? Hard to answer if I would call it better but it does change. After the shock wears down some you will look at things through a different lens. How and what else we have in our lives will effect our understanding but we are all forever changed.
Your father was suffering and you may be asking the same question he asked himself. Our hope here on this site is we try to do what we can to support each other because we all feel the pain. May you find some moments where you can try to understand that we aren't meant to understand it all.