Don't grieve alone; 14,000 members and growing
There are a lot of things in your story that I can relate too. I'm so sorry for all your losses. It's devastating knowing you have no close family left. I feel that is where I'm headed. I have some family, but sadly, a lot of the younger family members have passed, so many older ones remain. Our family tree is dwindling. I had one sibling and now there is just me. My parents are old and I'm all that is left. I had to put down an emergency contact at work and I used to use my sister. I felt like I wanted to throw up at the thought of one day having no emergency contact. Imagine having to tell someone that. "Oh, I don't have anyone you can call in an emergency."
You have had so many losses close together that it's no wonder you are overwhelmed. Also, losing a pet is the same as losing family, so don't think you can't be as devastated over your dog.
I had the exact same experiences you did with friends and trying to get help. I remember calling around to some hospitals that had bereavement groups listed and never got a reply. I left a couple of messages and gave up. Like you, it was tiring, sad and exhausting, and also disappointing to get no help from the grief center. I belonged to an online grief group, but all of them lost a spouse and were older. I had nothing in common with them other than we had someone we loved pass away. Over time I have left that site, I was there out of desperation. So understand the feeling of disconnect you felt with the group.
My friends have done the same things as yours, they have drifted, or falling off the earth. They have disappointed me. After my loss I guess I thought I'd continue to hear from them and they'd have more compassion. I realized that people just continue on and are very much only into themselves. I understand they didn't experience the loss and they have their lives, but it's still very hurtful and upsetting.
I felt every word when you said you took 3 hours to text your friend and then they basically blew you off. That was so awful.I feel so hurt for you that it took you 3 hours to ask, then they said they'd "try" to fit you in. That's really fucked up. And I know our friends have their own lives, but damn.
I get what you're saying about wanting them to just say "Of course, love too! When?" I feel the same. I also know just what you mean about being so exhausted and not having the energy to reach out. I would like to be thought of, instead of the one thinking about trying to get someone to think about me, I have to make the plans, etc. I see a therapist and she told me I should reach out to them and get "something on the books" like picking a weekend in advance and not something last minute. I get that, but it's still tiring.
I told a friend I wanted to be social again and missed hanging out. She says yes, we will hang out again and I haven't heard from her since. It's been months. Sometimes it's all I can do to get through the day without crying, so to have the energy and the mindset to try to connect with friends is just to much, not to mention disappointing. I am the exact same way in that I need more than what my friends can or want to give to me and I hate everything about this situation. I hate that I want social interaction and have no one to get it from. I hate my entire routine has been shattered and destroyed. I'm just lonely and angry.
Definitely try to see the counselor you have set up. And eventually you may be ready to try do some activities around your town that will help you interact with people, even if it's once a month. That's what I'm trying to do. It's hard because it's still not something I want to do, its only out of desperation. Take care.
Thank you Hollow Heart for your response. It's helpful even to know that someone else feels the same way. I am tired of people telling me that "it will feel better" later. I know that it will but it is not helpful for me to hear, it feels dismissive and like an attempt to minimize my experience. It's so good to just hear someone else echo what I'm feeling.
I am so sorry about your sister. I have the same experience with the "emergency contact" situation. It's a terrible lost feeling to know that when the chips are down, there is no one who will naturally assume the duty of helping me if I need it most desperately.
But I too feel alone and angry and I am trying to not destroy my "only ok" friendships with that rage. It's difficult because I feel irrationally angry with everyone who's life is good at the moment. I know this is not reasonable or fair but I feel it strongly all the same.
I have definitely been scheduling activities - I hike a lot and it helps me so much to be physical and outside. It's good to be with people and distracted sometimes. It's not bringing me the same amount of joy that it did before and I imagine it will not for some time (if ever) but it's a lot better than sitting in my house feeling sorry for myself and angry all the time.
I feel a bit better today than I did yesterday. A friend from far away phoned out of the blue to check on me and I'm grateful.
I can only say I really relate to this on so many levels. I hope you new counselor will be more helpful.
I can relate as well.. specially the fear of burning out the very few people I have left that I trust, and the "too young to be so alone" thing. I hope your new counselor has helped. I will be seeing someone soon...