I feel horrible admitting this. But I think I gave up on my mum surviving before everyone else did. She had the same tjing Steven hawking had, she passed away on the 12th of July this year, a few months before that I remember thinking "why does she have to keep suffering" and, idk, I just sort of gave up.

I thought I'd cry a lot more and be a lot sadder than I am. Now I mostly just feel relieved and I can't seem to sake it. I do have days where I feel sad, but its more of a shallow sadness. Asside from at the funeral I've cried once since then.I feel bad because I'm not sadder.

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I don't think you should feel bad.  When someone is ill for a long time, it's natural to start grieving quite a long time before that person actually dies. It's a kind of disengaging that protects you a little bit, and it is quite common in that sort of situation. Besides, you felt that way in part because you didn't want your mum to suffer anymore, and it makes sense that you would feel relief because now she is no longer suffering. 

With that said -- grief affects each person differently, and often is even expressed in one person in different ways. So at some point(s) you may find yourself feeling very sad, even though you don't so much right now.  Or you might not.  Either way is normal. 

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