Don't grieve alone; 14,000 members and growing
I am so irritated and tired of people telling me that I need to accept my loss and learn to accept what I am left with. I dont want to, i just dont want to accept. I have thought about acceptance and what it means to me. I feel that I am not accepting yet my husband's loss. I still hope that he will soon walk in through that door, or that i will be waken up from this bad nightmare, that we will soon be together again like we were back in April 28, 2011. I feel that by holding on to these thoughts, I am so holding on to him here close to me. But whenever I think about the word "acceptance", I feel so scared of reaching that path in my grief, because I am scared of "letting go of my husband". And I never, never, want to let go. I miss him so very much, every minute, every hour of every day. My life is just turned upside down without him. I was not suppose to go through this road....
I please, please hope someone understands what I am trying to say.
Amanda you have probably read other posts from me saying I keep expecting my husband to just come home now too and it has been over 6 months. I "know" he is gone, but I guess I dont accept it either or I wouldnt still have those moments like that. I think people just need to keep their advice to themselves unless we ask them for some. We all have to find our own way on this journey we did not choose so even if they think they have all the answers because they have been through something similiar, they are not us. They do not know what will work for us. My kids are grown with spouses and children so it was just the two of us for 300 plus days a year and he was my life. Nothing will ever be right or the same again and I know you feel the same way. Maybe next time one of your so called friends think to tell you that you need to learn to accept what life you have now, maybe you could suggest they learn to accept you for who you are now without him!
I understand exactly how you feel. The people who tell me I need to move on and how I must accept my husband's passing have never lost their spouse. I lost my husband to asbestos cancer in 2006. From the time they discovered the cancer ( stage 4 ) it was 5 days short of 4 months till his passing. It's been almost 6 years this March. Like you, I never wanted to let go of my husband. We were married 17 years....I would have loved to have another 50 years. I always say I had my own personal 9/11. My world blew apart into a million pieces. My world still is a mystery to me. I feel like I'm living a life that I never wanted to live. God has chosen this path for me and I don't understand where I'm suppose to be going. I just wish through all this, the purpose would be revealed. I guess I'm selfish, I really miss my buddy. He was my best friend. The only thing that time has revealed is the hurt does get better. You will find that you will be able to deal with your pain better. I still have a very hard time on the Christmas, our Anniversary and his Birthday. It's OK to feel what you are feeling. The journey of grief will take the rest of your life. He will never leave your heart. Eventually, you will start holding on to the happy moments of your life. When I go to those moments, I find I can smile and laugh about our funny family stories.
I can relate to what you're saying. After two months, I feel like I'm beginning to accept that my hubby is gone. It's just the tip of the iceberg; I know it's going to take more time. Still, I've come to believe, through other losses in life, that accepting the loss and letting go are very different. The people who've passed on, from my life, are still very much with me - in memories, in how I think about life, in a multitude of ways. For instance, my grandmother passed away in 1979; I still smile and remember her whenever I see a cardinal (her favorite bird). Each person I've held dear has stayed with me in special ways. They've become a part of me so I'll never totally let go of them - it would mean letting go of part of myself.
Hope this helps,
Amanda, You don't have to accept anything until YOU are ready. Bottom line. I lost my spouse in Sept. 08 and it took almost 3 years before I started to feel acceptance. Actually, it's not acceptance, I just started to feel more like a person again. I still miss him terribly. I know he is in such a wonderfu wonderful place and we will be together again one day. Just wished we had a longer life together and I am very blessed to have had 34 years with him. Grief is such a roller coaster ride. But I am better today than I was a year ago. You just take one day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time.
Hi Amanda. I hope you don't mind me pulling this thread up but I'm still a little new around here and I wanted to say something about your post. I'm dealing with a lot of things in regard to recently losing my mom. It includes dealing with "advice" from others who say things like you've got to accept this or that or you need to do this or that. I think I've found a commonality we all share and it's something I'm going to challenge myself on this week when I'm facing one of those moments where someones words or "advice" annoys me. What I'm thinking we all deal with is trying to gain approval from every one who thinks they have the answers or they have elected to psychoanalyze our individual losses. I think we need to stop and hold our heads up and look that person or people in the face and tell them to stuff it. We aren't on this earth to gain their approval or live life based on their script of how they would deal with emotions. I guess the proper response to anyone who thinks they have the answers to your life would be... I'm gonna do me and you can do you so keep your advice to yourself. No one knows your heart Amanda. We all have that primal instinct to survive. Your heart knows how it can survive your loss. My heart knows that about me as well. We don't need to apply anyones suggestion that we don't want to. I'll never let my mom completely go. NEVER. and some how I'll make it.
I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my mom, my best friend a few weeks ago to Pancreatic Cancer and I am devastated! people just do not understand and say you have to move on. I miss her so she was my life. we shared so much and I cn't let go either. so I feel your pain.