I just don’t know how to do this anymore.  I am exhausted. Spent. Tired.  It is everything I can do to get a start on each day.  My solution to the pain is to diminish my physical health as much as I can through limited intake that biology will take over and naturally and more quickly than if I was to be taking care of myself I will expire.  Thus I have not nor will I go to a doctor because if I do they will see the nutritional effects and be compelled to help change it. 

 

At the same time every day I reach out in fits and starts towards something, anything that provides me with knowledge that my pain is somehow shared.  I come to websites such as these searching for the tiniest shred of a word that helps me get through these unending days.  A word that might push me to accept my husbands death because I have come to a realization that this is my problem. I cannot accept.  I will not accept. 

 

There is a caveat though in what I won’t accept.  Intellectually in the part of the brain that includes logic I know he is dead.  Biologically, physically checking reality he is no longer here.  It’s all in the feelings.  My feelings will not allow me to accept his death.

 

In the depth of my brain, the same brain that knows it, there is a conscious part of me that “feels”.  It feels this separation and will not allow it.  The information that is being received in that part of my brain cannot let go of the feeling that I must be with my beloved.  When I think of times past I feel what it was like to be there in that moment and it rips my psyche even more.  “Feeling” him in my own body, as a part of me that my senses drank in while he was alive beside me are now killing me.  I can do things daily and keep myself so busy that I am distracted by having to feel anything.  I think relationships that never mature do just that.  They are so busy “doing” things that they just don’t feel each other and thus never really become part of one another.   Yet I can look at a picture of my beloved and I can tell you thousands of ways I can feel just his face.  I can feel another million ways as to what he was feeling in the way his eyes looked at me.  It’s about feeling.  People who turn off feeling or those who ascribe it’s importance to some other worldy phenomena  somehow seem able to accept death.  They manage to find reasons to accept the why of what has happened.  I cannot.  I just don’t know how.  I feel him too strongly to accept any reason for why he was taken and I was not.  Surely there is something that we have yet to discover that explains why some find reason to accept and others cannot but as of yet that discovery is hidden.

 

I have seen many reasons for acceptance.   Maybe not total acceptance but enough to give reason to strive and thrive.  Strength of character.  Faith in a diefied phenom.  Ability to transfer fealty of love to others.  Responsibility to children or grandchildren.  Meditation or just a deep well of wanting to live even if it means living alone.  I read to see if I can find for me the spark to ignite reason to accept and go on.  I am failing and falling.  The struggles are further apart in time but they take me to a place now that defies explanation.  I never thought it possible to hurt this much.  To not be able to accept something that I know to be true.  For me its about acceptance. 

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hi m morgan, im so very sorry you are in such pain, I know what you are going through. I lost my son my only child. yes its unbearable pain, we will have the rest of our lives.  I pray each night to go with shawn, we do not have x mas or any other holiday  any more. time and go see my baby each and every day.  in this room  we all have that pain, these people are not just friends there family to me now. they have been here for me and help me through the days and nights. they know the dark place im in because there here with me.  please talk to us in here , we do understand and we do care a lot.  hugs   kim

Kim,

It takes me awhile to get the energy to respond when someone has taken their time to add to my comment but I read them and try to get back when I can.

I have read many of your posts and I can see that you are in the dark place that all of us struggle with to find some light in the depths of the hole we are in. I have come to this website and others to reach out for understanding by trying to describe how impossible it is to separate myself from that person who I was when I was the wife of the man of my dreams.  How to restructure my thoughts and imagine a life without my husband.  

Even though I am more capable now of doing things that I would never have attempted 22 months ago, I am not happy.  In fact I hate living.  I don't want to just "do things".  I want my husband.  I want the feelings back that he gave me. And because I can't have that I don't want to live anymore.  At 62 I have done what I need to.  I had what I wanted.  I lost it to death.  It is not recoverable.  I am only existing now.  I have no children, no god and no one or nothing that gives me reason to do more than exist.  It's not any more or any less than that.  I am ready. Of that I am certain.

I understand; it is the same for me. Well, unfortunately I'm younger than you are, but I hope that doesn't mean I have more years to live. But emotionally it's the same for me. I'm done with life, I want it over. If there's an afterlife where I can be with my beloved, great. If there's no afterlife, I would rather be dead and cease to exist altogether than live one more day or one more hour without him.

I don't know if it helps you (it doesn't really help me), but you are not alone in feeling as you do. Of course, it's never exactly the same for any two people, but I feel much as you do. I'm sorry you are in this horrific situation too.

While I know that my husband died, I will never "accept" it. I will never "move on". My life is done, it ended the moment he died.

Morgan, I am new to this forum...my son died tragically in an auto accident 2 months and one day ago. I agree with you that we have to find a way to want to survive, to love the people in our lives enough to want to stay here with them instead of leave this reality where our loved one is gone. Acceptance has been a problem for me, as well. Although my conscious mind knows Aaron is dead, his is still alive in every single memory I retain and alive in every fiber of my being. All of the times we spent together were real and that will never change. We will just not build new memories.

I go from not eating to overeating, and do not really care one way or another. Hunger has no meaning and the pleasure I used to derive from food is gone, too. I guess I just try to go from chore to chore, keeping busy and trying not to think. Then a sound, a sight or a smell will remind me of my reality and I will fall back into my despair. It is like riding the waves of the ocean, up and down. The pain abates a bit, for whatever reason, and then comes crashing back down on me.

I feel like I made a pact with each of my children when they were born. I will love you, unconditionally, forever. I will do my best to care for you and protect you. You will never be alone as long as I draw breath...but I did not expect to outlive those to whom I made these promises. I just never considered it to be a possibility.

I pray for your peace, for all of us to have peace. Remember the joy that your loved one brought to your life. Know what he would want for you and strive for it. Make surviving your final act of love for your husband. I will pray for you, and your unending pain, to heal.

me 2 fed up 2 mush multi loss 

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Hi everyone, I am new to the group, but not to loss. Thanks for adding me.I wanted to share an essay I wrote, "Welcome to the Freak Show: Becoming an Orphan in My 20s", that is in the New York Times today. Even though all of our experiences with grief are unique, I hope it resonates in some way.Best, KelliSee More
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