Online Grief Support - A Social Community
Don't grieve alone.
how do i release the hate?
on 3-21-08 my daughter was shot and killed. since then i have become the stereo type biker. no 1 used to mess with me or my family for fear of what i will do to them. after this i am openly hostile. i want to go to the execution to see his mom cry and follow them home and turn his family tree into a stick. i have become scarry to bikers i ride with. i really need help but i have noone to talk to. so it just builds. i frequently find myself flying into blind rages. i am dying inside i can feel it i do not care. as long as i see him die first ill be ok. see i need help badly. any takers i just need to vent. im not as crazy as i sound im a well thought of person by my peers. thats the worst part. and im not going to do anything im just hurt to my core.
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Diana Young on -
I soooo understand the hatred and it can be so consuming. Have you joined the group "missing my son or daughter"? The people in that group will understand and listen. You should seek out a grief counselor in your area, but in the meantime, we are here for you. Do you have pictures of your daughter you can post?
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Permalink Reply by fred upton on -
her picture is the one on my page
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Permalink Reply by Lou LaGrand, Ph.D. on -
Fred: Your anger is a normal response to such a terrible tragedy. Don't think there is something wrong with you as a person. You are doing the right thing by talking about it on line as you are. However, it would help you immensely if you could find an expert in grief counseling in your area that you could talk to and get some info on dealing with anger. At the very least, find someone you can talk to every day. Perhaps a good friend that you need to tell how much you must talk about what is happening inside of you. Ask the person if he or she will listen to you because of the need to express. Also, is there a cause that you can direct all of that anger energy toward? Some way to keep the memory of your daughter ever alive? Also, be sure to exercise every day to release your anxiety as well as the tension in muscles. Start with a minimum 20 minute walk. Also, find a diversion every day where you do something just for yourself. You will not be demeaning the memory of your daughter by trying to find peace and balance your intense grief. Taking this stress break and trying to balance some of your grief will help you in the long run. You are early in your grief and self-care is a must. You might also consider joining a group for parents who have lost children called the Compassionate Friends. They are a national organization with chapters in most cities. LLG
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Permalink Reply by fred upton on
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as money is an issue i cannot ignore theres no grief counselors willing to touch my case.and as for friends i'm learning fast theres no such thing. but thank you for the attempt
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Permalink Reply by Stan Goldberg, Ph.D. on -
Hi Fred,
There are no words that I have to ease your pain. As I hospice bedside volunteer I've stood at the side of parents and held their hands as we watched their children die. They never understood why it was their child who became terminally ill, and possibly you wonder why it was your child who was killed. While the parents were angry, it was subdued and often months after their child's death it lessoned, but their grief didn't. As one parent said to me, "the pain never goes away, it just takes on different forms." I can understand why you are anger, but I can't pretend to feel it. I don't think anyone can really feel what you're experiencing. I can also understand why you may believe that only revenge, might lessen the pain. It might, but I wouldn't count on it.
I've never believed in telling people what they should feel; not as a father, husband, or counselor. What each person feels is based on their experiences and needs. It's all legitimate. The anger you're feeling is neither right nor wrong--it just is. Sometimes the key to transforming it into something "livable" is understanding how it is effecting you and everyone around you. Tibetans have a saying, "You can throw hot coals at your enemy, but you'll burn your hands doing it." Maybe this is good place to stop for me. If what I've written is helpful, please let me know and we can "talk" some more. If not, I wish you the best, as one ex-biker (Triumph 650's for 15 years) to another.
Take Care,
Stan
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Permalink Reply by fred upton on
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honest aproach thank you. i have tried talking untill it hurts. ok thats full time, im thinking i will never be right in the head again, and your smarter than most ive spoken to as well. i hope you are able to help
thank you,
fred
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Permalink Reply by Ann Edmondson on -
Fred: I am truly sorry to hear that your daughter was killed. I know exactly how you feel. On 16 Dec 2006 my son was shot and killed by his roommate and they tried to make it look like a suicide. It took 2 years for the USArmy to figure it out. I was angry at the world for taking my youngest child from me. Anger is one of the steps in losing a loved one. As many others have said, I recommend finding a grief councelor in your area to help you. Talking about the good times with us here on this web site will help too. I would love to see a picture of your daughter if you have any you would like to share. Another web site that is for those of us who have lost someone is http://mylovingtribute.ning.com/ and you will find many of us there who have lost loved ones. As a Christian I have no understanding as to why God allows these types of problems un our lives. I can only find solice in that He understands when people are cruel as they murdered His only Son. Don't worry I am not going to preach I just thought I would let you know that you are not alone in your feelings. Write anytime you feel like it. Someone here or on the other website will be glad to talk to you.
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Permalink Reply by Jacob Michael scott McLeod-Steinmetz on -
((((((( Fred))))))))
I'm so sorry for your loss and your pain ...I can't say I know what you are going through I lost my child to cancer not to murder so the pain would be so different
My jake died from huge mistakes made by Doctors and i know how eaten up with anger I was to the doctors that made my Jake die in such a horrible painful way ...all I can say is time heals ...I still wouldn't want to see those doctors again ....but I don't hate them as much as before
I guess this isn't really helping you ..but I hope it does a little
with Love always Jacob's mum
"Leukaemia Sux!"
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Permalink Reply by fred upton on
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a loss is a loss. im sorry you had to go through it. im not really in need of help per sey but venting. thanx 4 th thoughts.
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Permalink Reply by Andrea Davis-Upton on -
i'm sorry baby i didn't realize that you just needed me to sit there and listen to you. Not to say anything but just to listen to you and let you vent all your pain and anger. I was very wrong in not letting you do this. I know now that you truely wouldn't turn his family tree into a twig.....I know you feel you could but you won't because you are a good man at heart and you know Jessie wouldn't want you to throw your life and and family away
All My Love,
Andrea
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Permalink Reply by fred upton on
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this is the reason i havent went on a killing spree in fla to get put in with that punk. the reason i came looking for help in the first place. the reason i get up every day and go on. otherwise id be in prison. thanx my love!
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Permalink Reply by Dj French on -
Fred, my son was shot and killed. We were told for 33 days that he took his own life which i never believed. the autopsy report proved he didnt, no gunpowder, no alcohol, drugs, etc,etc. we know that his girlfriend did this but the police said there was nothing they could do because of shoddy investigation. there was no investigation, the gun wasnt even taken? they didnt do residue test that nite and we didnt get the autopsy report back for 33 days. i went to every pawn shop in our small town and tried to buy a gun but everyone knew why i wanted it and wouldnt sell me 1. i took a gun from my ex husbands gun rack and went to the house where this gf lived and waited. she was home and as i sat outside of her house with her in the sites of the gun, i tried to pull the trigger, hating her because she took my son from me. but i couldnt pull the trigger no matter how much i hated her. i drove away so disgusted with myself that i couldnt take her life. i drove a few miles hysterical and finally pulled off the road throwing open my car door and was so violently sick that i fell out of the car. as i lay there on that dark gravel road, in my own vomit hating myself for being so weak, it hit me. it just wasnt in me to take another's life, no matter how i hated her because God had His hand on me and His Spirit in me leading and guiding me and this evil wasnt in me. i have come to the point where i actually pray for her and wish i could tell you that i have forgiven her but i havent. i know that i must because Jesus has forgiven us but im human. i have saw her several times and each time, rage boils thru my whole entire body. i know the rage, anger, etc that you feel but let God take care of this person. the only thing that keeps me going is knowing that although there will never be justice for Shane here on earth, she will stand before Jesus one day and be judged by Him, the one true Judge. my prayers are with u and urs, dj
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And let me take your hand.
I, who have known a sorrow such as yours, can understand.
Let me come in--I would be very still beside you in your grief;
I would not bid you cease your weeping, friend,
Tears bring relief. Let me come in--and hold your hand,
For I have known a sorrow such as yours, And understand.
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