I am having a hard time moving forward with all of this weight of loss and grievance. I lost my 56 year old dad, who I was exceptionally close with. He was my person. Most people have their mom as their person. I had two people as my person: my dad and my maternal grandmother. I my dad and I swapped spots in December and then lost him in March and my maternal grandmother and I swapped spots last October. I have to be her rock and had to be my dad's until the end. I have never been "rock-less". I have siblings and my mother, but I have not been close to them since I was a pre-teen. My pre-teen and teen year were with these two people along with all of my adulthood. I've lived on my own since 18, but these have been my go to people for silly questions, advice, and support. I have never been free falling. 

My dad also had a terrible end. I fought so hard for him. He deserved so much better. Our health care system appalls me. He was just 56. I am so heartbroken, angry, and miss him. We talked everyday, if not every other day.Then for his last three months, almost four I spent everyday with him. Half of it was 24/7 and the other half was +12 hrs a day except Thursdays. I was only with him for six-eight hours depending on the day, Thursdays were my friends' night. I would always end up back at the nursing home after though to make sure he was comfortable and content. That is all I wanted for him, comfort and content. I knew I couldn't fix fix, cure him, or make him happy all the time. He was dealt a bad hand. Stage four kidney cancer that was all over and in his spine and it had almost already entirely consumed both lungs. There was no fixing it. I hadn't see my dad since June and his back was hurting him, but I thought it was just acting up because he was 6'8 and it happened once a blue moon. The thing was him and his family weren't telling me everything as to how bad things were and they were not real worried about it. They were stupid. I have been out of state for five years and went down every other month at least if not more for the first four years because I was only a two hour greyhound away, but this past year I had only gone down the once since Christmas because I moved +700 miles away and had gotten married--which I am sucking at. No one was talking about how poorly he was doing or the fact he had been doing poorly nonstop. He didn't even tell me that. 

I am angry that he is dead because of lack of action on his part, his doctors' part, and his family's part. I am so angry. I had just graduated college and was a newly wed. I was finally able to do more with my life and for-fill my promise to him, to take him to Barcelona Spain. I was finally going to make him proud. I was going to be able to take care of him instead of my paternal grandmother taking care of him. I was going to for-fill my promise. I am a weird one, I do not make promises that I cannot keep and I do not say I love you, unless it is 102% true. I am hard on that. Ask my husband, it drives him insane. I take it very seriously. 

When I went down to FL in December, I thought I was just going to be down there for a week and we didn't know my dad was a dead man talking until after being in the hospital for two weeks. We were in that hospital, a month. He had spinal surgery that was unnecessary and caused him more issues and pain and prevented him from ever going back home. It caused far more issues than fixed and he was never going to recover to begin with. Why did they do that him. I wanted to go down there before the surgeries, but him and his family told me to come after the procedures if at all. I listen to them. I never have listen to anyone in my life before. But I did this time. The one time I shouldn't have. My dad was by himself drugged up making these choices and my paternal grandmother was going with them with misinformation from the hospital. I showed up on the day of the last surgery. I went in believing he was have a kidney surgery. Nope it was a second spinal surgery. His last few months were a shit show and I couldn't fix for him. 

I miss him so much. I have never gone this long without talking to him. I want to know that he is okay now. I want him to be okay. I want him back. I want this night mare to be over. I want to hear his ringtone. I want to hear his laugh. I want one of his jokes. I want him to ask me about Lord Thunderbutt (the nickname he gave my cat, who he adored). I want to hear him say "yep" in his poppy way. I want one of his, "are you that dumb?" looks. I want all of his looks. He was one of those people who have a loud face. I miss him. I want him back. I cannot do this alone and I need to know he's okay. I need to know that he is okay. I need to. 

Views: 128

Reply to This

Replies to This Discussion

I am a Christian. His suffering is over. In heaven you get a new body. So he got a new healthy body. What kind I don't know. This is what I believe. So I think he is happy and healthy.

I am not a believer and nor was he. We covered the bases just incase though. We were both raised Catholic. That is all besides the point though. 

Amy,

I am so sorry for your loss. The journey of caregiving is extremely difficult. The loss of our especially loved dear ones is unspeakable.

There are so many different ideas about what happens to us when we die. Religion teaches many different ideas. Atheists have their own ideas. Hardly any of those ideas really comfort us. 

 The Bible (not religion) says this :

Ecclesiastes 9:5 — For the living know that they will die, but the dead know nothing at all ...

John 11:11-14 — After he said these things, he added: “Lazʹa·rus our friend has fallen asleep, but I am traveling there to awaken him.” 12 The disciples then said to him: “Lord, if he is sleeping, he will get well.” 13 Jesus, however, had spoken about his death. But they imagined he was speaking about taking rest in sleep. 14 Then Jesus said to them plainly: “Lazʹa·rus has died,

You will notice that the Bible basically likens death to sleep, and the dead know nothing at all.

What does that mean? That our loved ones are indeed RESTING IN PEACE. 

this truth won’t take your pain away, or fill the void in your heart, but it is comforting to know that your loved ones are resting in peace.

so sorry on yore loss u can olnly do it wen u reddyy

i no i had a loto of set bacs i di d but we all difnro peplee we is

i no in 2018 i fondmy slf goin 2 spirtlastt churchh for ansesrd

in steds of try  to seak medims lk a fe wpeplee do on hear

i got my anserss i ddi dad dided get rhu hts yrs

he did'

evn few oths famly i loss

u got tofind yore own way but dnt rush it 

tak yore tim to find wish u need to be

i no still hav blipss now agan sisne dad died in 2012

dnt feal bad or ashamd if u do  

in 10 or 20 rys tim

RSS

Groups

Latest Activity

Vicki left a comment for Nicole
"Hi Nicole. I am so sorry for your loss and suffering. I have been on here for almost 4 years, since loosing my husband suddenly as well. Just like you we had a huge life time of plans for the future. Even arguing who the grandkids are gonna like…"
9 hours ago
Lindsey replied to Kim's discussion Mom passed away suddenly
"I just saw you posted this is 2016. Hopefully you're doing better now that some time has passed. I hope you got married and I hope you have been able to cope better over the last few years. I hope things have been better for you and I wish you…"
Tuesday
Lindsey replied to Kim's discussion Mom passed away suddenly
"Hi, my name is Lindsey. I'm 28 years old and my mom passed away suddenly 7 months ago in April, just 4 days after her 56th birthday due to heart failure. She had just come home from a dinner cruise with her boyfriend celebrating her birthday.…"
Tuesday
Lindsey updated their profile
Tuesday
Profile Iconallan and Lindsey joined Online Grief Support - A Social Community
Tuesday
Joe Kelly left a comment for Allen
"Hello Allen, Go to "Lost MY Spouse" and read through some of the posts.  There are some of us who share pretty regularly and respond with caring identification with each other.  You're not alone.  Grief of losing tho…"
Tuesday
Joe Kelly left a comment for Linda l Cunningham
"I too wish you didn't have to be here.  I lost my wife on Jan.21, 2018 and wish I could say it gets better as time goes on, but for me it's just keeps getting worse.  We were together since age 16, close to 52 years together and…"
Monday
morgan left a comment for Linda l Cunningham
"Linda, I am so sorry you have had to join our grieving group.  Each of us know your sorrow and we all grapple with how to deal with the worst thing we could ever have to deal with.  On January 21st 2013 my husband doc 35 years (knew him…"
Sunday
Allen posted a status
"I also lost my mother 1 year ago. I was with my darling wife for 25 years. Am I supposed to survive or give up and die."
Sunday
Allen posted a status
"Hello and thank you. Is there a certain time that people chat or anything, I need to talk to someone ."
Sunday
Profile IconJill Varrichio, Cath Ellara and Allen joined Online Grief Support - A Social Community
Sunday
M Adams left a comment for Allen
"Dear Allen, condolences on your the death of your wife, sorry that you are going through such a difficult, life-changing loss.  Just wanted to respond and say you are doing everything right in terms of the website, your comment and status…"
Saturday
Allen posted a status
"Is anyone there?"
Saturday
Allen posted a status
"What are you up to?"
Saturday
Allen left a comment for Allen
"My name is Allen,I just lost my wife. I don't know how to use this website. Does anyone see this? "
Saturday
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Linda, Your post is a perfect description of where I'm at. Morgan"
Saturday
Louise is now a member of Online Grief Support - A Social Community
Nov 15
Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
Nov 15
Trina Mamoon commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"morgan, Your message is so moving! Every word you say rings so true! I could have written the message. You express my innermost thoughts and wishes. It's been a little over five years for me since Joseph has been gone, but I feel his lack as…"
Nov 14
Trina Mamoon commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"morgan, Your message is so moving! Every word you say rings so true! I could have written the message. You express my innermost thoughts and wishes. It's been a little over five years for me since Joseph has been gone, but I feel his lack as…"
Nov 14

© 2019   Created by Ninja.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service