I am having a hard time moving forward with all of this weight of loss and grievance. I lost my 56 year old dad, who I was exceptionally close with. He was my person. Most people have their mom as their person. I had two people as my person: my dad and my maternal grandmother. I my dad and I swapped spots in December and then lost him in March and my maternal grandmother and I swapped spots last October. I have to be her rock and had to be my dad's until the end. I have never been "rock-less". I have siblings and my mother, but I have not been close to them since I was a pre-teen. My pre-teen and teen year were with these two people along with all of my adulthood. I've lived on my own since 18, but these have been my go to people for silly questions, advice, and support. I have never been free falling. 

My dad also had a terrible end. I fought so hard for him. He deserved so much better. Our health care system appalls me. He was just 56. I am so heartbroken, angry, and miss him. We talked everyday, if not every other day.Then for his last three months, almost four I spent everyday with him. Half of it was 24/7 and the other half was +12 hrs a day except Thursdays. I was only with him for six-eight hours depending on the day, Thursdays were my friends' night. I would always end up back at the nursing home after though to make sure he was comfortable and content. That is all I wanted for him, comfort and content. I knew I couldn't fix fix, cure him, or make him happy all the time. He was dealt a bad hand. Stage four kidney cancer that was all over and in his spine and it had almost already entirely consumed both lungs. There was no fixing it. I hadn't see my dad since June and his back was hurting him, but I thought it was just acting up because he was 6'8 and it happened once a blue moon. The thing was him and his family weren't telling me everything as to how bad things were and they were not real worried about it. They were stupid. I have been out of state for five years and went down every other month at least if not more for the first four years because I was only a two hour greyhound away, but this past year I had only gone down the once since Christmas because I moved +700 miles away and had gotten married--which I am sucking at. No one was talking about how poorly he was doing or the fact he had been doing poorly nonstop. He didn't even tell me that. 

I am angry that he is dead because of lack of action on his part, his doctors' part, and his family's part. I am so angry. I had just graduated college and was a newly wed. I was finally able to do more with my life and for-fill my promise to him, to take him to Barcelona Spain. I was finally going to make him proud. I was going to be able to take care of him instead of my paternal grandmother taking care of him. I was going to for-fill my promise. I am a weird one, I do not make promises that I cannot keep and I do not say I love you, unless it is 102% true. I am hard on that. Ask my husband, it drives him insane. I take it very seriously. 

When I went down to FL in December, I thought I was just going to be down there for a week and we didn't know my dad was a dead man talking until after being in the hospital for two weeks. We were in that hospital, a month. He had spinal surgery that was unnecessary and caused him more issues and pain and prevented him from ever going back home. It caused far more issues than fixed and he was never going to recover to begin with. Why did they do that him. I wanted to go down there before the surgeries, but him and his family told me to come after the procedures if at all. I listen to them. I never have listen to anyone in my life before. But I did this time. The one time I shouldn't have. My dad was by himself drugged up making these choices and my paternal grandmother was going with them with misinformation from the hospital. I showed up on the day of the last surgery. I went in believing he was have a kidney surgery. Nope it was a second spinal surgery. His last few months were a shit show and I couldn't fix for him. 

I miss him so much. I have never gone this long without talking to him. I want to know that he is okay now. I want him to be okay. I want him back. I want this night mare to be over. I want to hear his ringtone. I want to hear his laugh. I want one of his jokes. I want him to ask me about Lord Thunderbutt (the nickname he gave my cat, who he adored). I want to hear him say "yep" in his poppy way. I want one of his, "are you that dumb?" looks. I want all of his looks. He was one of those people who have a loud face. I miss him. I want him back. I cannot do this alone and I need to know he's okay. I need to know that he is okay. I need to. 

Views: 119

Reply to This

Replies to This Discussion

I am a Christian. His suffering is over. In heaven you get a new body. So he got a new healthy body. What kind I don't know. This is what I believe. So I think he is happy and healthy.

I am not a believer and nor was he. We covered the bases just incase though. We were both raised Catholic. That is all besides the point though. 

Amy,

I am so sorry for your loss. The journey of caregiving is extremely difficult. The loss of our especially loved dear ones is unspeakable.

There are so many different ideas about what happens to us when we die. Religion teaches many different ideas. Atheists have their own ideas. Hardly any of those ideas really comfort us. 

 The Bible (not religion) says this :

Ecclesiastes 9:5 — For the living know that they will die, but the dead know nothing at all ...

John 11:11-14 — After he said these things, he added: “Lazʹa·rus our friend has fallen asleep, but I am traveling there to awaken him.” 12 The disciples then said to him: “Lord, if he is sleeping, he will get well.” 13 Jesus, however, had spoken about his death. But they imagined he was speaking about taking rest in sleep. 14 Then Jesus said to them plainly: “Lazʹa·rus has died,

You will notice that the Bible basically likens death to sleep, and the dead know nothing at all.

What does that mean? That our loved ones are indeed RESTING IN PEACE. 

this truth won’t take your pain away, or fill the void in your heart, but it is comforting to know that your loved ones are resting in peace.

so sorry on yore loss u can olnly do it wen u reddyy

i no i had a loto of set bacs i di d but we all difnro peplee we is

i no in 2018 i fondmy slf goin 2 spirtlastt churchh for ansesrd

in steds of try  to seak medims lk a fe wpeplee do on hear

i got my anserss i ddi dad dided get rhu hts yrs

he did'

evn few oths famly i loss

u got tofind yore own way but dnt rush it 

tak yore tim to find wish u need to be

i no still hav blipss now agan sisne dad died in 2012

dnt feal bad or ashamd if u do  

in 10 or 20 rys tim

RSS

Groups

Latest Activity

jacq kramer is now a member of Online Grief Support - A Social Community
4 hours ago
Carol Klotz is now a member of Online Grief Support - A Social Community
Sunday
Maria replied to Melissa's discussion I am new here and hoping that I can talk to someone who lost a child to suicide
"Hello Melissa, I'm so sorry for your loss. My son took his own life on August 25th. He was 20 yers old and the pain is almost unbearable. He was a wonderful human being and I miss him every day."
Saturday
Profile IconLani M., Gina, Maria and 1 more joined Online Grief Support - A Social Community
Saturday
Eileen replied to Melissa's discussion I am new here and hoping that I can talk to someone who lost a child to suicide
"Thank you !! Feels good knowing I have someone I can chat with and understands. Have a peaceful night."
Saturday
Melissa replied to Melissa's discussion I am new here and hoping that I can talk to someone who lost a child to suicide
"I’m sorry for your pain also!! I’m always here if you ever need to talk!! Your friend melissa"
Saturday
Eileen replied to Melissa's discussion I am new here and hoping that I can talk to someone who lost a child to suicide
"Hello Melissa, never lost a child to suicide. However lost my mother, father and husband. So my heart goes out to you. Stay strong because it's not easy. Your friend Eileen."
Friday
Eileen posted a status
"Thanks for accepting me into the group. I am finding it very difficult to move forward so I decided to reach out for online support."
Friday
Eileen is now a member of Online Grief Support - A Social Community
Friday
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Hi to everyone,   I am sort of a broken record when it comes to how I have managed to cope with my husbands death.  I can honestly say that for the first four years looking back I was pretty much in a stupor.  The shock after sharing…"
Nov 7
Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Hi Fran, So sorry for your loss. It's been 7 years since I lost my Beloved Husband. I have and never will be the person I was. I have accepted that and just go through the motions. There are no good days for me. Since the day he died, I died…"
Nov 6
Fran commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"5 years ago tonite I lost my Love. Since then I check in here periodically to see how others deal with the passage of time. Apparently, pretty similarly. We do what we must. We have "good" days and worse days. Our memories blindside us yet…"
Nov 6
Terry k is now a member of Online Grief Support - A Social Community
Nov 6
Sand updated their profile
Nov 4
Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Jonathan, So sorry for the loss of your Wife. All the friends on this forum are just waiting to join their spouse again.  It's all we can do. "
Nov 4
Jonathan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"It has been about 16 months since I lost my beloved wife. Still as painful as though she just "sleep in Christ" on 10th July 2018... Life has been aimless and without any objective since then. Everyday has been slow but to me, everyday…"
Nov 4
Kizzy Tinner is now a member of Online Grief Support - A Social Community
Nov 3
Profile IconRina, Sand and Chaw joined Online Grief Support - A Social Community
Oct 29
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Linda,  I've been thinking about you wondering how Babie J is?  I just started feeding a feral cat here where I live on the woods and though I refuse to get too attached these little critters also get a piece of our heart.  I…"
Oct 28
Blythe is now a member of Online Grief Support - A Social Community
Oct 27

© 2019   Created by Ninja.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service