I am having a hard time moving forward with all of this weight of loss and grievance. I lost my 56 year old dad, who I was exceptionally close with. He was my person. Most people have their mom as their person. I had two people as my person: my dad and my maternal grandmother. I my dad and I swapped spots in December and then lost him in March and my maternal grandmother and I swapped spots last October. I have to be her rock and had to be my dad's until the end. I have never been "rock-less". I have siblings and my mother, but I have not been close to them since I was a pre-teen. My pre-teen and teen year were with these two people along with all of my adulthood. I've lived on my own since 18, but these have been my go to people for silly questions, advice, and support. I have never been free falling. 

My dad also had a terrible end. I fought so hard for him. He deserved so much better. Our health care system appalls me. He was just 56. I am so heartbroken, angry, and miss him. We talked everyday, if not every other day.Then for his last three months, almost four I spent everyday with him. Half of it was 24/7 and the other half was +12 hrs a day except Thursdays. I was only with him for six-eight hours depending on the day, Thursdays were my friends' night. I would always end up back at the nursing home after though to make sure he was comfortable and content. That is all I wanted for him, comfort and content. I knew I couldn't fix fix, cure him, or make him happy all the time. He was dealt a bad hand. Stage four kidney cancer that was all over and in his spine and it had almost already entirely consumed both lungs. There was no fixing it. I hadn't see my dad since June and his back was hurting him, but I thought it was just acting up because he was 6'8 and it happened once a blue moon. The thing was him and his family weren't telling me everything as to how bad things were and they were not real worried about it. They were stupid. I have been out of state for five years and went down every other month at least if not more for the first four years because I was only a two hour greyhound away, but this past year I had only gone down the once since Christmas because I moved +700 miles away and had gotten married--which I am sucking at. No one was talking about how poorly he was doing or the fact he had been doing poorly nonstop. He didn't even tell me that. 

I am angry that he is dead because of lack of action on his part, his doctors' part, and his family's part. I am so angry. I had just graduated college and was a newly wed. I was finally able to do more with my life and for-fill my promise to him, to take him to Barcelona Spain. I was finally going to make him proud. I was going to be able to take care of him instead of my paternal grandmother taking care of him. I was going to for-fill my promise. I am a weird one, I do not make promises that I cannot keep and I do not say I love you, unless it is 102% true. I am hard on that. Ask my husband, it drives him insane. I take it very seriously. 

When I went down to FL in December, I thought I was just going to be down there for a week and we didn't know my dad was a dead man talking until after being in the hospital for two weeks. We were in that hospital, a month. He had spinal surgery that was unnecessary and caused him more issues and pain and prevented him from ever going back home. It caused far more issues than fixed and he was never going to recover to begin with. Why did they do that him. I wanted to go down there before the surgeries, but him and his family told me to come after the procedures if at all. I listen to them. I never have listen to anyone in my life before. But I did this time. The one time I shouldn't have. My dad was by himself drugged up making these choices and my paternal grandmother was going with them with misinformation from the hospital. I showed up on the day of the last surgery. I went in believing he was have a kidney surgery. Nope it was a second spinal surgery. His last few months were a shit show and I couldn't fix for him. 

I miss him so much. I have never gone this long without talking to him. I want to know that he is okay now. I want him to be okay. I want him back. I want this night mare to be over. I want to hear his ringtone. I want to hear his laugh. I want one of his jokes. I want him to ask me about Lord Thunderbutt (the nickname he gave my cat, who he adored). I want to hear him say "yep" in his poppy way. I want one of his, "are you that dumb?" looks. I want all of his looks. He was one of those people who have a loud face. I miss him. I want him back. I cannot do this alone and I need to know he's okay. I need to know that he is okay. I need to. 

Views: 49

Reply to This

Replies to This Discussion

I am a Christian. His suffering is over. In heaven you get a new body. So he got a new healthy body. What kind I don't know. This is what I believe. So I think he is happy and healthy.

I am not a believer and nor was he. We covered the bases just incase though. We were both raised Catholic. That is all besides the point though. 

Amy,

I am so sorry for your loss. The journey of caregiving is extremely difficult. The loss of our especially loved dear ones is unspeakable.

There are so many different ideas about what happens to us when we die. Religion teaches many different ideas. Atheists have their own ideas. Hardly any of those ideas really comfort us. 

 The Bible (not religion) says this :

Ecclesiastes 9:5 — For the living know that they will die, but the dead know nothing at all ...

John 11:11-14 — After he said these things, he added: “Lazʹa·rus our friend has fallen asleep, but I am traveling there to awaken him.” 12 The disciples then said to him: “Lord, if he is sleeping, he will get well.” 13 Jesus, however, had spoken about his death. But they imagined he was speaking about taking rest in sleep. 14 Then Jesus said to them plainly: “Lazʹa·rus has died,

You will notice that the Bible basically likens death to sleep, and the dead know nothing at all.

What does that mean? That our loved ones are indeed RESTING IN PEACE. 

this truth won’t take your pain away, or fill the void in your heart, but it is comforting to know that your loved ones are resting in peace.

RSS

Groups

Latest Activity

Nancy is now a member of Online Grief Support - A Social Community
19 hours ago
G B is now a member of Online Grief Support - A Social Community
yesterday
Dennis C. replied to Amy's discussion How do I get unstuck?
"Amy, I am so sorry for your loss. The journey of caregiving is extremely difficult. The loss of our especially loved dear ones is unspeakable. There are so many different ideas about what happens to us when we die. Religion teaches many different…"
Friday
Sue Toler commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"I just feel like I am in a fog.  I have a little dog that is at least ten years old.  She adored my Mom & she has really grieved for her.  I know how you feel about your dog.  I worry about her.  She is all I have. …"
Thursday
Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Me too Brett, I sit here an look at my 12 year old Labrador and I know he is on borrowed time, and my heart breaks, losing him will be something that I am not looking forward to. As you said Brett, we have the live our lives until we are called…"
Thursday
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Yes, I was looking at something that popped up on my Yahoo news feed. It was an article naming 106 celebrities who have passed away in 2019. So many names and faces that I remembered. Now they are gone, and they aren't coming back. Their time…"
Thursday
Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Brett so true she was my security blanket I feel like I have no one to lean on that understood me like her You know what keeps coming in my mind. How true it is and scary that everything has a beginning and an end."
Thursday
Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"I hear it all the time you don’t know how lucky you were that your mother wasn’t sick and you didn’t have to take care of her I say to them lucky I was lucky that my mother died and I was not right by her side to tell her I love…"
Wednesday
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"M, the problem is that our security blankets were ripped away. Like you, sometimes I am glad to be sad. I feel like I am closer to my mom when I am crying. At least, her memory is fresher with me when I am in that zone. I feel like the hard reality…"
Wednesday
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Theresa, millions, billions of people have lost their moms. Sometimes someone will tell me that they have lost their mom, too, but they were able to deal with it, and they wonder why I haven't dealt with it as well. This may sound like an…"
Wednesday
M Adams commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Me too ...I was sitting marking a paper yesterday and suddenly realized that I can’t see or talk to my mother about this or anything else and the tears came.  But I’m glad to think of her, in a way I can be glad to be sad sometimes.…"
Tuesday
Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"I sometimes will just be sitting down and I start to cry because I keep thinking I miss my mom so much my whole world is just not the same I think that I’ve become a different person it will be four years and I still cry I can’t put into…"
Tuesday
M Adams commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Definitely a colder world now.  I like the image of the security blanket — like, as we go forward, we will always keep it but eventually may be able to wash it, fold it nicely, and put it in some place of honour close at hand but without…"
Tuesday
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"The world just became a colder place when my mom died. I just remember feeling like all was right with the world when my mom was in the next room. "
Tuesday
Sue Toler commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"It is such a traumatic event, especially when you have had a wonderful Mom.  It is so hard knowing she is gone.  Knowing this is permanent.  There is no one that can fill the void she left.  My brother was close to Mom, but he…"
Tuesday
Cherie is now a member of Online Grief Support - A Social Community
Jul 15
Amy replied to Amy's discussion How do I get unstuck?
"I am not a believer and nor was he. We covered the bases just incase though. We were both raised Catholic. That is all besides the point though. "
Jul 15
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"While I never forget that my mom is gone, for some reason it just hits me over the head sometimes. Just out of the blue I'll be like, "Mom is gone." It's horrible. It's ever present. And the thing is that it is always with…"
Jul 15
Sue Toler commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"My Mom also.  I could always talk to her about anything & knew she was someone I could totally trust.  I am constantly thinking of something I want to share with her & then I remember she is gone.  I loved spending time with…"
Jul 15
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"There is no doubt that it is anxiety. In fact, I think we are experiencing fight or flight. Since birth my mom had been my security blanket."
Jul 15

© 2019   Created by Ninja.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service