I suffered a loss in May (my best friend here of 16 years passed away from brain cancer). He was my anchor and it's a tremendous absence in my life. He'd been ill for about a year, but we thought he would pull through. He remained positive and I was naive/in denial so when I found out he was suddenly in hospice, it was a shock. I thought I would have time to say goodbye, but he stopped the cancer treatments he'd been on and was gone less than a week later. 

He was in hospital before hospice but I didn't know about it. There was a circle of people who did, including those who had only known him briefly (he told that person, who was given the opportunity to see him while he was in hospital and relatively okay) That he didn't tell me has been a source of confusion and also has made me angry and sad. I don't understand it and I feel cheated. 

The anger and grief are making me feel like I'm drowning at times without any relief. I have a couple of friends to talk to about it and a grief counselor I've seen a few times. But overall it feels like I don't have the support I want/need and that's why I wanted to come here. 

Thanks. 

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I understand why you feel cheated, but consider that perhaps it is because you and he were/are so close that he didn't want you there at the end, that he didn't want you to see him like that.  My husband died of a sudden and unexpected heart attack, at only 41 years old, and I was not with him when it happened (though my sister and her husband were, thankfully).  On one hand I am upset that I was not with him, but at the same time I know that he wouldn't have wanted my last memory of him to be of him keeling over and dying (not that he had any control of it, though perhaps in some mystical sense he did), and I know that image would be imprinted on my brain and in my soul forever, so on the other hand in a way it's better that I wasn't there.  Perhaps your friend viewed it like that as well.

Otherwise it seems that your situation and mine are quite different, but to some degree I -- and most others here -- know somewhat how you feel. Even similar situations can never be identical, because different people are involved, but I certainly understand the overwhelming anger & grief, and the feeling of drowning, and the absence of relief. I'm sure many others here do, too.  You are not alone. {{hugs}}

Hi,

Thanks for the response. I was wondering if anyone was going to join the discussion. Yes, there is that possibility, but I really don't know what was going through his head about the decision. That's what bothers me. I get what you're saying and by not being with your husband, that was do doubt better for you that you don't have to carry that with you. 

Appreciate the hugs and words. 

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