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Permalink Reply by kim on August 11, 2014 at 7:19am

hi Hannah, im so very sorry you are going through this. I know the pain you are in, I have just lost my only child my son shawn. the pain is truly unbearable. everyday I cry and every night. I pray every night to go with him, I forget how to laugh or smile any more. without shawn theres nothing here for me.  this site there are wonderful people in here, they know your pain, and its so very good to talk about it, to get it out.  if you want to add me to friends ill be here for you,  we can help each other.  take care hugs  kim 

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Permalink Reply by bluebird on August 13, 2014 at 1:10pm

Many of us here understand, in some way, what you are going through. My husband died, and I want to die -- that's all there is to it.  I haven't had so many people die like you have, but my husband is my heart, and now my heart has been torn from me.  You said "I wake up sometimes and wonder if this is even real. I feel like I can't trust anything and that life is just pointless and cruel." -- I agree, I feel the same way.

I know it doesn't diminish your pain at all the losses (both human and animal, because love is love) you have had to endure, but at least you do have your husband with you, and your mother. Maybe you could find a way to focus on your relationships with them, perhaps that would bring you some peace?

As for medication, there are some that help with depression and anxiety, and it's not a bad idea to see if you can find one that will work for you. Just be aware that each person reacts differently to each medication, so you may not find the one that works for you on the first try -- if not, keep trying, it doesn't mean that another medication won't work for you. Good luck.

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Permalink Reply by Hannah Complin on August 14, 2014 at 1:21am

Thank you for your kind replies, and I'm sorry for your losses.  

I had no energy today.  I got some stuff done on a project and I went out for a while to look for my cat, but other than that I was in bed most of the day.  I really miss him and I hope he is okay.  Searching is really frustrating and difficult when most of the time I just want to be asleep.  I wish he would just come home.  

I have therapy tomorrow, maybe that will be good.  I don't know.  I keep thinking about Robin Williams, that's scary and sad for anyone who suffers from depression and loss.  And of course as soon as the news broke, I knew that there would be stupid idiots writing articles and blogs and comments all over the internet about how he "had no reason to be depressed" and should have just "chosen" to live and be happy like that is something you can just switch off when you have a clinical mood disorder.  This is the reason people who grieve and people with depression don't feel they can talk about it, jerks like that who don't get it and dismiss mental pain as something that you choose for yourself.  

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Permalink Reply by bluebird on August 14, 2014 at 10:23am

I hope your cat comes home soon, safe & sound. I understand missing him (we have a little female cat that died a few years ago).

I also understand depression and not wanting to get out of bed. I have not been really prone to depression in my life (I am prone to panic/anxiety), but my husband's death has killed me. I don't enjoy anything, and I don't want to enjoy anything.  It's very sad that Robin Williams killed himself, and his death has touched me (and, it seems, many other people) more than most celebrity deaths, but at the same time I understand why he did it, and I am envious of him because at least now he knows what, if anything, comes next (and hopefully he is no longer in pain).

The thing I don't get is when people say "Suicide is a permanent answer to a temporary problem".  Yes, sometimes that is the case -- but other times it is an answer to a permanent problem, like the death of one's soulmate.

I hope you find your therapy helpful, and that it brings you some peace.

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