While grocery shopping I noted a man sitting waiting for his wife as I surmised, my husband used to do wait patiently for me. It hit me hard that I no longer had 

anyone waiting for me.  So alone after 36 years.......

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yep i get evn 6 or 10 yrs pepeelis still hit by it evn longr 

Grocery shopping seems to be full of memories for many of us.  My husband loved food and shopping for food -- he was such a great cook -- so we almost always shopped together.  Shopping for food alone feels wrong -- it is still so strange to not have him next to me.  In the last months, when he was (we thought temporarily) not up to walking around the store, he was still present because there were so many highly specific treats that he craved and wanted me to watch out for.  Now whole aisles and areas of stores are no longer relevant -- at the same time, sometimes one of his favourite things appears unexpectedly in a promotion spot, and I'm still conditioned to reach out for it...but no one's at home looking forward to it. I need to get used to it, of course, but it's hard to break habits and expectations built over decades.  

I remember in the first several months going to the supermarket, and in particular one time, I ended up standing in a corner of one of the freezer aisles just crying my eyes out.  I stood there with my face pressed into the corner of the last part of the aisle with the freezer case against my one side and and end cap on the other......

Today I visited the event "Relay for Life"  in a town I have recently moved to.  I got through most of my conversation with the organizers wondering how I might in the future make a contribution of a gift basket etc and I did ok for awhile and then eventually I felt it coming on and I sort of quickly retreated and ended up crying my eyes out again.....

I ask myself each and every time I keep breaking down how can I do anything different.  I cant erase him from my mind and no matter what theres always a trigger around a corner.  If i were to stop doing everything and going everywhere I guess I would stop crying.  But I cant.  And I just don't know when a certain trigger is going to set me off.

I'm so tired of trying to function in a life I don't even want to be in.  All the talk of these current celebrities committing suicide doesnt surprise me.  In fact I understand it.  There is "something missing"......we are missing something in our lives....and at some point, rich or poor, celebrity or not, it has gotten unbearable, whatever is missing is no longer available to us.......

so we go to the supermarket and cry.......

i no wen dad died thng or dad needs 2 get theses ilget thm by thm thn relzie his gon i did or teats runnin on me i did stil doon off or fogetin 2 pay for my shopinn i ddi thn fo shi shops i did uses locktlyy i did new me thy did do thy do 

coz if thy did not iwud hv bean in castrated for crimses coz of greif i wud of bean 

sum dys it can stillgt me on off 

but shopin 1 is still so hardd ut is even afr 6 for sum even after 10 yrs oof loss we had so on

but emrasin bit wz fogetin 2 pay for my shopin it wz in 2012 but thnx  2 me i did locklty i did staff in storess w z unstadnin ty wear any weareleses ty wud of not bean 

Yep, I get it. I just had a 15 minute crying jag which was set off by looking at a cute photo a woman posted of her husband and their dog, with the dog sitting in the husband's lap and him hugging her, titled something like "This girl has been trying to steal my husband since day one".  I'm having a shitty weekend anyway, due to a number of factors, and have actually been having a worse-than-usual month for a lot of reasons, and just the word "husband" in the post made me start bawling.

My husband died nearly 6 years ago, and I am still grieving just as much as when he first died. I feel that grief all the time, and so sometimes it is brought to the forefront by all kinds of things, big or small.  I do find that grocery shopping is difficult, too. Of course I keep seeing all the food items that my husband liked, and I can't buy them even if it's stuff I like too, because he isn't here to eat them with me.  I still have in the pantry a couple of jars of an item he particularly liked, and even though they expired long ago and I could never eat them, I will also never get rid of them. I can't buy our (shared) favorite flavor of ice cream anymore, because I don't want to eat it when he is not here to eat it with me. I don't cook our favorite meals anymore, because he isn't here to eat them with me. When I get home from the store with the groceries, I have to unload the car myself and put everything away myself. I was never that much of a cook, but now I'm really not -- what's the point, when it's just me? So mostly I eat prepackaged, frozen crap. It doesn't matter anyway, because I really don't enjoy food anymore, it just doesn't taste good.

I'm sorry, I kind of went off on a long rant, but your post just happened to hit me on a day when I was thinking a lot about this stuff anyway. I hope somehow you are able to find some peace.

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